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whymewhyus posted 7/12/2014 06:58 AM

Tomorrow marks a week that I found out and 12 days since dday #2. MC went well, said he was there because we have 16 years together and doesn't want to lose me. He seems remorseful for the most part. The other day I think I was getting into the 'hysterical bonding' phase and we decides that since he has not received his STD test results yet, we would use protection. I made a snide remark in the check out line (just wondered if in general the condoms stretched for small sizes to big sizes, I was uncomfortable and I guess I just talked 'shit' like he said. And he stormed off and has been pissed since. I dont think that's the problem though. Yesterday was somewhat pleasant but last night was awful. I kept asking him what was wrong and to communicate with me. So laying in bed he says he isn't attracted to me anymore. It instantly threw me off and I was devastated. I guess he isn't sexually attracted to me and that almost hurt worse than the affair. I know I need to do the 180 but it almost seems like that's hard for people like me because I do still want to save my marriage. I am so lost right now because those are words you dont want to hear after an affair. He has agreed to NC (they still work in the same place but not together) and he is actively looking for another job. Is this a phase the husband goes thru after the A? Why say those hurtful things to me? Why be remorseful but cut me down like that? I'm so desperate for his love and attention. Yesterday I was strong...today I am feeling so weak.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/12/2014 07:17 AM

Why the HELL would he act like a child just because you nervously chattered about whether condoms stretch for big or small endowed men? Guess his under-endowment is a sensitive issue for him. Too bad.

He should have been thanking his lucky stars you even want to TOUCH him so close to D-Day #2 and he should be ashamed of the fact that his disgusting behavior has forced a married couple to have to buy condoms at the drug store due to needing protection from STDs. What a jackass.

You've handed over every single bit of your power to this undeserving person. Every single last drop of it.

You're not going to like hearing this but that doesn't negate the fact that it's true. Men don't find desperate, needy, clingy women attractive at all. Not even in the slightest. You said yourself that you're "so desperate to get his love back," and it clearly shows. Unfortunately, your constant willingness to step over your own boundaries in order to try to win him back any way you can is seen by him as exactly that - desperate and needy.

The sad truth is that the one who loves the least in any given relationship is the one who has the most power. And that person is clearly him.

How about you take some of that badly needed power BACK?

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 7:18 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]

tfkeel posted 7/12/2014 07:41 AM

Firstly, I want to say how sorry I am for your pain.
You don't deserve this and I hope your recovery goes quickly.

Your comment about "size" was a "trigger". Many of us feel inadequate in size. This usually begins with the experience of seeing our fathers naked and comparing our "size" to his.

I'm guessing, pure speculation, your husband may have been hurt regarding his penis size in the past.

Women who engage in affairs are, by the "nature of the beast", self-absorbed and self-interested. They have little empathy for their AP and are not
at all careful with what they say and do to him.

His comment to you about his attraction may have been a retaliation.

If he is equating "attraction" to his sexual responses, he is probably not considering the facts.

That he has chosen to place himself into a predicament which can seriously alter his sexual responses for time to come. His responses may now be affected by guilt, by self-recrimination, and even by simple retraining brought on during his affair.

It is also not altogether uncommon for men to develop a period of psychological ED following an affair.

deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 07:51 AM

whymewhyus, we have many similarities, 16 years married, WS works in same place as OP, not same office.
Do you suspect he is still cheating? Can he take any non-sexual criticism?
While my WW was in admitted A, she flew off the handle at any criticism or ribbing from me. It was obvious she was in a "I don't need this s**t, i've got someone else" place.
Sorry, but glad you are here.

Oh, and my WS lays there during sex, completely unresponsive. She doesn't even know what to do with her hands. It's brutal to feel unwanted by the person you've been with for so long.
Just know, as cliche' as it is....it's NOT you, it's him! I know that doesn't make it hurt less, but it's true!

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 7:55 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]

SpecialK posted 7/12/2014 09:21 AM

Someone recently posted an article discussing the "bonding" hormone men excrete after sex. Maybe he is still attracted to her. I know what he said was hurtful, but honest. On the other hand what you said in the store was hurtful and not from a good place. I am a BS, and believe me when I say that sometimes I feel like I have a demon in me when I say the things to my husband that are MEANT to hurt him as much as possible. That doesn't help me him and most importantly our marriage!

So get your sexy on and blow your WS mind and he'll soon rebond with you and see the OW as the skank she really is.

On an end note I would like to disagree with tfkeel's statement:

Women who engage in affairs are, by the "nature of the beast", self-absorbed and self-interested. They have little empathy for their AP and are not
at all careful with what they say and do to him.

I believe that OW's in general, are very careful about what they say and do to the AP, they want to win at any cost and will stroke the ego (along with other parts!) with whatever the AP wants. They will DO things with the AP that they would never do with their spouse, again, because they have to WIN!!!