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He agreed to Imago and now I'm freaked

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WhatsRight posted 7/12/2014 08:57 AM

Our son is in a wilderness program for behavior, emotional, and addiction issues. Our family seems disconnected and disjointed. I have explained to the wilderness counselor that we want to be in a better place for our son when he returns home from the program.

So, I TOLD not asked my husband that we needed to get some therapy either family therapy, or something for the two of us. He has agreed to Imago therapy.

Here is what is weird now I'm scared. I have been wanting to get help post infidelities for over seven years. Now that he is willing I am afraid. Afraid that we will learn that we cannot make things better. Even afraid that I will find out that I don't want anything to do with him.

How wired is that?

simplydevastated posted 7/12/2014 09:34 AM

It's not weird at all. The unknown is always scary. Go into the therapy sessions that you will learn something that will help you make the best decision for yourself and your family.

Sending strength and (((hugs)))

WhatsRight posted 7/12/2014 09:56 AM

Thx. I keep telling myself that this is a good thing. I tell myself it will either help us get our love and passion back for each other, or it will get us to a place where we can live peacefully and compassionately and kindly toward each other. Or it can even get us to a place where we can part in as positive way as possible.

But i wonder if all of that is just bullshit, and I am very concerned that I will find out he is not what I want.

The problem with finding that out, is that I am old, no finances, and we still have kids that need parenting, and he has a severe disability. His infidelity does not justify my bailing on someone who cannot take care of daily living skills on his own. I won't sacrifice my character because of his flaws. So, if we find out in counseling that we really don't want to be together...

what do I do?

WhatsRight posted 7/12/2014 09:56 AM

Sorry, double post.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:57 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]

Gotmegood posted 7/12/2014 10:10 AM

"will either help us get our love and passion back for each other, or it will get us to a place where we can live peacefully and compassionately and kindly toward each other. Or it can even get us to a place where we can part in as positive way as possible"

All of these optional outcomes seem reasonable and acceptable. Perhaps you are very desirous of one of the three and are afraid that it isn't the outcome your WH has in mind? Have you identified to yourself what you really are hopeful for?

WhatsRight posted 7/12/2014 10:20 AM

Excellent question! Thanks for that.

Of course, in theory, I would want us to have a "real" relationship including connection and passion. However, because of who he seems to be at this time I am in no way attracted to him. Obviously he feels the same because there has been no sex for many years. Our marriage has been dead for some time. I do not respect him. I do not like him. I think I still love him

To answer your question, it would be nice to be loved and be in a relationship. But I am worried that when we get beyond all the walls he has put up, and beyond on my insecurities he has caused, will I want him? And if not, what will I do? I cannot in good conscience leave him with his disability.

If this adds in any way to the mix I am not now and will not be in the future EVER looking for another person. I'm done. This is my 3rd marriage. I will not trust again.

I guess I am wondering what possible good outcome there could be. I have been begging for this for so long - what if the end result turns out to not facilitate healing for us? I guess I don't feel ready for that.

When I read read this post I can see how conflicted I sound. I don't guess I really know. I guess I am afraid to explore that. I guess with the Imago therapy I will find out.

Gotmegood posted 7/12/2014 11:34 AM

It seems as though you have answered one big question already. You write "I cannot in good conscience leave him w/ his disability". So, you stay with him out of moral obligation? Wonder if you are simply hoping that while engaging in Imago therapy you are wishing that HE will break down....break down the 'walls' that are inhibiting connection between you two? I am unfamiliar with Imago therapy, but I can't imagine it will be harmful. Look forward to whatever enlightenment or revelations it will bring you. Sidenote: I have also known the pain and helplessness of an addicted child. That in itself throws relationships into turmoil and fucks up coping mechanisms. I wish you the best.

Ostrich80 posted 7/12/2014 20:34 PM

It sounds like you have fear of the unknown. If this therapy does indeed have the outcome that you two don't belong together, the fact is still the fact, its just in the light now, now you know. I hope you get what I'm saying. Kind of like, just because it hasn't been said out loud, doesn't mean its not there. So if it does end up where you shouldnt be together, wouldn't you rather acknowledge it in therapy, with a professional that can assist you, rather than just living with the unknown fear? Maybe you can get help then on how to parent separately or if you choose to co-habitate, how to do it as smoothly as possible. I really wish only the best for you and your family WR

GetEvenInAZ posted 7/12/2014 20:46 PM

Good luck, WhatsRightM

You have tremendous COURAGE and BRAVERY for being afraid and still going through with it!

Try to hold on to that in potentially tough days ahead: you were afraid but did not let those fears control you!

Whatever the outcome, you are amazing for facing fears and not letting them control you!

WhatsRight posted 7/14/2014 01:21 AM

Thank you for all of your really kind words.

It is true I DO have a fear of the unknown.

Yes, the two things you mentioned are exactly what I am hoping for. Either to reconnect as husband-and-wife, or to learn how to peacefully cohabitate. At this point, either would be a welcome relief.

If we learn that there is little chance for peaceful cohabitation then, I don't know what will happen.

But, as my son who is dealing with addiction is learning in his wilderness program, you must not dwell on things outside of your control. So I'm going to try not to do that.

The outcome is outside of my control. However, my rational input is within my control and I am going to try to do my best. It's all that I can do.

Kajem posted 7/14/2014 06:42 AM

I have not done imago therapy but have had friends go thru it.

A couple of them have done the intensive weekend session with follow up visits. Those seem to get the most work done quickly. I think the weekend therapy breaks down the walls quicker than weekly visits.

My understanding of imago is that since we gravitate toward people similar to our family of origin - why not utilize those relationships to heal our FOO issues from childhood. In theory it makes a lot of sense. I know 2 couples who went thru the weekend workshop many years ago. One couple was dealing with infidelity, other a child with significant issues. They are both still together and are more of a team in their marriage.

Hope this helps.

WhatsRight posted 7/14/2014 09:37 AM

Thanks we went to see if he Imago counselor once for a consultation. My husband even said that he could see how this would help, and he was happy to know why he felt the way he did about some things. But then of course, he never did anything about setting it up. Now I am demanding it.

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