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Says something is missing

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Badnewseverybody posted 7/12/2014 09:49 AM

First DDay was months ago –this is going to be ramble-y, disjointed and can’t cover everything. I will give you the broad brushstrokes. Together for over 20 years no kids. I found out when I saw a SKYPE message while typing a letter for him on his phone while on our way into work. Was shocked, we just bought a house together, well correction I bought a house for us-not married remember, it’s in my name. I shouldn't have been shocked as has done this several times before. He has a history of depression and internet porn and chat addiction. Our sex life has been a mess for years from his other wandering episodes. Then just habit I suppose.

I find out she, the OP, lives in another state. They met online in a sex chat room. At the time he told me it wasn't my business, it wasn't about me etc. Promised to stop talking to her “take a break”. Of course he doesn't and I find out and he tells me she wanted him to be her Master, and it’s nothing more than that. More lies and deceptions, I find out he’s been having online sexual relationships with several people for years. One who knows who I am from snooping me online-checking out my twitter, Instagram, fb etc. I get more promises and then he goes to another state to meet her to figure it out and spends a romantic weekend with her –he calls from there and tells me nothing is going to happen. He loves me and it’s fine. He comes home and tells me the same again, that they didn't have sex decided to try to make it work with their respective spouses. Then I find out that was a lie and he loves her. We start MC. I kick him out. After 2-3 weeks of separation I let him back in the house. He has promised not to talk with her over and over again and has lied every time. Last Thursday he says he broke it off for good. I have access to the SKYPE and secret email accounts and so far I believe him, even though I know full way he an just create new accounts etc. I have read the last love letters and goodbyes. I am in hell and not sure what to do. He says he “loves me more” and is committee to me. He has shown remorse and cries about what he has done to me/us. He is in therapy and started a second therapy to deal with addiction issues. I can’t stop checking SKYPE and the others emails. She is always on looking for him despite telling him to run to me and make it work, that she’s trouble (manipulative right?) etc (followed by if we are to run into each other again she’s sure it would be something more-all manipulative BS) She has a partner of 18yrs that has no idea. There is a history of both of them cheating. It also messes with me how similar she and I are-he chose a younger but f’ed version of me. She has addiction issues (sex & alcohol) and a infidelity habit. She keeps checking in and trying to manipulate him to chat again. It’s only been 9 days and she’s reached out to him 4 times and been online hoping to see him on chat and SKYPE during all their usual times. Her last message was she was going to delete and block him –that was 2 days ago and no action on her part, she’s still there-no surprises. In the meantime we are having tons of hyper bonding sex and he is mourning her and I am hurt and don’t know what to do. I've written her a letter-which is ridiculously long-but have not sent it. I am about to go out of town-I travel a lot for work-and getting an ulcer worried he will take up with her again.

He says he is now realizing the thing he thinks is missing with us is missing within himself. He has committed to therapy, as I said, and figuring that out. He is in 2 hrs of IC and 1 of MC with me a week. I am also in IC. I still love him and despite it all I believe he loves me. I am trying to concentrate on the fact that he chose me, but it’s hard not to feel like a second choice.

deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 09:55 AM

Sorry, but glad you are here.
I know H can create new accounts, but would it help to log on to his profile and block OP(s)?

Badnewseverybody posted 7/12/2014 10:03 AM

I've thought about that-will she knows shes blocked? Will it really make a difference?

Badnewseverybody posted 7/12/2014 10:09 AM

Perhaps I should be posting in a different place? I feel like it just happened as the love revelation was recent, but as we are trying got work it out are we in reconciliation? I'm confused-sorry!

Gotmegood posted 7/12/2014 10:33 AM

It sounds to me as if YOU are in reconciliation mode, but you might be there alone, which doesn't work. You recount a long history of promises, always followed by more lies, and more deceit. For me, I could not be happy living that way. It is very promising that he is receiving so much (and much NEEDED) therapy. First thing I would do is ask your own therapist, and insist that he ask his counselor, how he can establish accountability to you. You need to have that, given that his past and present behavior shows him to be a pathological liar. Sexual betrayal using smart phones and computers seems insidious as everyone with a job needs these tools - but they are the direct line into the sex chat rooms. I feel like you are in for a loooong road of being a parole that okay for you? I'm so very sorry for the pain you're in.

Badnewseverybody posted 7/12/2014 11:36 AM

How he can be accountable and show me change is on ongoing discussion between us. Hw says he's working on it. I'm not sure I understand why any of these folks stay? If they've found new/better love why not just break it off and move on? Of course why don't I?

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