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We are just emerging from the disaster of a three-year affair that included five false reconciliations and all sorts of terrible pain. We are struggling along as best we can, but her AP won’t leave us alone! Can you help us?

Let me give you a little background so that you can see where we stand and what sort of person he is. My wife started the affair in fall 2011. She had legitimate reasons to be upset with me, but, as she freely admits, none of them justified her actions. I caught them in June 2011–and again in October 2011, February 2012, July 2012, December 2013, and March 2014. It was essentially one long affair with me lulled into a sense of semi-security over and over.

After the March 2014 revelation, my wife made no attempt to cover up any email trail. In fact, she said she wanted me to read them because she couldn’t bring herself to tell me the details that I needed to know. It was horrible. I had no earthly idea how bad it continued to be right up until this spring. I could see how all my intimate secrets had been betrayed and it was clear what a controlling, manipulative bastard he was. He even struck her across the face once in a crowded restaurant and got up and left. The resultant email exchange was my wife expressing her outrage and pointing out that this was the only time in her life anyone had struck her, and him saying that the blow was nothing compared to the painful comment that caused him to hit her. He never admitted what he had done was wrong, but he did (once he realized she wasn’t buying his BS) eventually profess great pain over what he had done. She took him back.

There is so much more to tell, but I hope that gives you an idea of who he is. As for my wife, I am as convinced as a person could be after three years of lies and betrayal that she is telling the truth. Something felt wrong up to March 2014–that feeling is gone. Not that things are happy, of course.

Now to the current issue. He basically doesn’t want to let go and has made a half dozen plus attempts to reconnect and has clearly been keeping tabs on my wife. We have navigated these with the help of our MC (an absolutely wonderful guy). We had been trying our best to ignore messages from the AP, hoping this would send the appropriate signal. But, it wasn’t, so that finally, on June 6, my wife sent this:

“I have asked that you not contact me again. I am responding to this because I believe I owe John a lifetime of apologies for treating him with so little respect when he showed me what he was willing to do for me because he loved me. I also know that I wanted to believe that you really were the person I thought you were. As I look back on what I allowed to happen, I see what cruel people we were. I allowed myself to be convinced by you that I was doing what was best for me. I will have to carry the guilt and shame of my cruelty and weakness forever. I must ask again that you do not contact me.”

That seemed to do the trick as, up until two days ago, we heard nothing more. I still felt as if he would not make any attempt to avoid us in person, but that hadn’t come up so all was well. Then she got this on Thursday morning (apparently sent at 1:00am–I’m guessing alcohol was involved, too):

“I want to the option to attend this event and bring friends, as I wish to also do with Person X’s party.

I will assume a non-answer means 'YES'.”

The event to which he is referring is one that my wife has poured her heart and soul into. I need to be there to run the technology. It would obviously ruin it if showed, especially since we expect a crowd of no more than 25-50. Not only would his presence be conspicuous, but he would refuse to be ignored. We don’t know what party he is talking about and we don’t care.

He has delivered an ultimatum and we cannot ignore this since he has said he will take no answer as the equivalent of a yes. That bastard, why can’t he leave us alone? I’d love to send a note reminding him that he physically abused my wife and to stay the hell away from her and me, but we have to walk a tightrope between sending a firm, unequivocal message and antagonizing him unnecessarily.

Any advice? Our MC agrees that we have no choice but to respond. Has anyone had experience with this sort of person and did you find something that worked?

I’m so totally out of emotional reserves to deal with this crap. I want to be happy again.

[This message edited by JohnT61 at 12:10 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

Has your wife blocked him on her cell, email, and facebook? If not, then she needs to do this immediately.

If he continues, then you need to see an attorney. The attorney can send him a formal no contact letter, telling him any further attempts will be met with legal ramifications.

Since you have had so many ddays, and you were basically in false R since your first dday, it's understandable that OM isn't paying attention to your WW telling him no more contact. She has said that many times, yet continued the contact. So her behavior about the past NC's will make it exceptionally difficult to make the OM go away. Having an attorney tell him NC will hold more weight than your WW telling him NC at this point.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:59 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

I would have an attorney sent a C&D letter. She could sent him a NC letter stating he is not to be there nor contact her again. If he does she will go to the police about harrassment.

Can she ask that he not be allowed in the event?

Thanks, all. Your comments led me to search for the specifics of the harassment laws in Texas. I found the following and I believe we might be able to use this as leverage against this jerk--maybe:

Sec. 42.07. HARASSMENT. (a) A person commits an offense if, with intent to harass, annoy, alarm, abuse, torment, or embarrass another, the person:

(c) An offense under this section is a Class B misdemeanor, except that the offense is a Class A misdemeanor if the actor has previously been convicted under this section.

First of all why hasn't your wife CHANGED all her contact information. That would solve two issues.

it would make it hard to stalk her and if she has contact with him it would mean she gave him the information.

I would file a police report for the record as well as change every password and log in information on all her electronic media.

Go to the police station with the email correspondence where he admits to having hit her, and correspondence where she has asked for no contact, and ask for an RO. And have him served. That should get the message across, especially if he violates it and has the police take him away.

He has struck your wife, and she has an email trail to prove it. He's also still contacting her. This should be enough for a restraining order.

How much time do tou have before the event? If not enough to file for a restraining order, it shouldn't cost much to find an attorney willing to work on an hourly basis to write up an official NC letter, and tell him a restraining order will be sought.

Barring even that, I'd write him yourself. He sounds like a coward, and perhaps hearing from a male may have more of an effect. Tell him your wife is not contacting him because she's pursuing a restraining order.

Sorry for all that you have gone through. The multiple DDays must have been incredibly stressful and traumatic. I wish you well with R.

I wonder what prompted OM to text your W about the event if she has not had contact with him since the NC letter in June. Why wouldnt he just show up at the event if he wanted to attend? Is it invitation only? I can only guess there is more to the back story. It seems as though he is taunting your W with the statement "that means the willingness to speak directly to each other...".

Has your wife considered filing assault charges from the restaurant incident? If not, why?

If she does not wish to file charges, then I agree with the other posters who recommend a C&D letter.

If you choose not to reply to his text, it doesnt matter how large or small the event is, you and your wife do not have to engage with OM if he does attend. Let people wonder and form their own conclusions as to why the two of you are not interacting with OM.

At the minimum, your wife should change her phone #.

JohnT61 -

Please remember to follow the guidelines of the Recon forum. There is to be no venting about or name calling the OM/OW in this forum. Thank you.