What did you do RIGHT on Dday or After?
I made it clear I had evidence and insisted on a divorce if he wouldn't talk to me/continued denying- without telling him what evidence I had-- so he ended admitting more than I knew
I insisted on IC/MC.
I read, "I love you but I don't trust you", and "Should I stay or Should I go"
I installed keylogger software which gave me passwords for everything (email, facebook, online cell phone bill)
I gathered evidence and provided it to the APs BW
I went on a personal trip and reconnected with various friends
I changed to a less stressful job that has me home more often
I confronted him with evidence whenever I found it and forced TT until I knew I knew absolutely as much as possible.
I wrote an untraceable email to AP w/CC to APs BH explaining the additional photos/videos I had and explaining what I would do with them if there was any more contact
I made sure we spent some time together where we were NOT talking about what had happened, and trying to build new memories.
As an AA member, I never took a drink (just in case--because the last thing I was going to do, was give him ammunition for getting custody!)
BW: 42 (me) WH: 40 (him)
DDay 1 - 1/13
DDay2= 7/14 (False R)
What I did right was:
* get myself into IC right away, going 2x a week. I needed to figure myself out, I needed to make myself a priority.
* went into intense detective mode immediately and DID NOT SHARE WITH HIM EVERYTHING I WAS FINDING.
* met with a divorce attorney for a consultation. I did not hire him, I just needed information. I also told my then-husband that I met with a divorce attorney. This scared the shit out of him because he realized I was not going to tolerate his shitty behavior any longer.
* began sharing what was happening with family & neighbors. Until that point I had become fully isolated from basically the entire world aside from my children. It was classic abuse isolation. I was determined not to be alone any longer.
* accepted that the way I'd been trying to handle things previously didn't work, that I needed to change my actions, and I was willing to do whatever was necessary to effect a different outcome.
* Told him to go NC w/OW on DD. Off course, he said he would, but didn't ... so
* Right back to the psychiatrist (prior lifelong depression issues)
* Starting detaching w/in 10 days or so
* Physically left him w/in 2 weeks
* Refused to take the blame for his A
* Quit drinking
* Calming kept pointing out that the S/D was due to his A and no other reason
Sign a postnuptial agreement giving me huge portion of his income if he cheated again, or continued with OW. It includes all forms of cheating.
He had to block her right that minute from everything. He had to give me all passwords.
I put a keylogger on his computer desktop. (I smashed his laptop..that falls under bad :) )
No passwords to be put on his phone ( I smashed his phone..my bad..bought a new one)
I gave him a second chance and he has worked hard to get me where I am thankful that I did.
[This message edited by Feelthrownaway at 5:55 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]
What doesn't kill me, scars me.
LISTENING to the veterans here at SI saved my bacon on numerous accounts. I avoided things like alcohol addiction and RA's by just coming here and getting out my feelings.
The one big thing that I did right was - when I first confronted my husband after finding definitive proof of an affair - to keep my cool. It was like an out of body experience - I guess the shock and numbness kept me from reacting any other way.
I'm not suggesting in any way that people who discover an infidelity and react with anger, tears, screaming, etc. are making a mistake. What I am saying is that on that day and in that moment, my husband was expecting me to go ballistic...and he was ready to use that as an excuse for leaving me and as proof that his AP was a better person than his miserable, crazy, out of control wife.
My rage and screaming and tears came not long after that first day, but it was the fact that I could have a calm and rational discussion with my husband that make him realize that I wasn't as terrible as he'd told himself during the affair. It's what initially gave him hope of reconciling.
Might not be the right thing to do for everyone, but in our case my initial reaction was a big factor in what came next.
Insisted on going NC immediately
Made it clear from day one that I was not afraid of the possibility of hefty-bagging his shit and visiting the divorce lawyer
Searched for and found an out-of-state job
Made pragmatic stuff like readying the house for sale a priority, just in case things got worse
Never hesitated to share what I was feeling, even when that meant shouting, furious anger, tears, telling him some unpleasant truths in no uncertain terms, etc. He was aware from DDay onward *exactly* how his affair affected me. I personally think this was the #1 most important factor in improving his rectal-cranial inversion and his leaving the rainbow-unicorn-farts fog for the Land of Remorse. Not feeling like I had to temper or stuff my emotions during our post-DDay discussions also contributed to me having enough emotional stability at other moments to get my life in order (e.g., finding a job, finishing my Ph.D. dissertation). I also allowed myself to completely feel positive emotions when they happened, including HB.
Refusing to submit to anyone else's notions of when or how I should "get over it"
Outing him, the OW, and her husband to our entire circle of friends via social media. Everyone always says you shouldn't do this if you want to reconcile, but it's been a year and I still have never regretted doing it. It allowed me to control the narrative before people started wondering and gossiping about why we weren't all friends anymore, it shone the cold spotlight of reality on everyone's bullshit behavior, and it meant that I didn't have to add the burden of "pretending" around other people to my already difficult life circumstances. I also got a lot of social support after the fact that I would have missed out on if I were hiding it from people.
Reading Not Just Friends (he did too)
Coming to SI (wish I had done that from Day 1, but it took me a few weeks to find my way here)
I did not go to IC, MC, or take antidepressants (for various reasons that I don't want to get into in this post, but you can read other people's IC/MC horror stories all over SI). This is not a choice for everyone, but it was the right one for me.
I also made some mistakes after DDay that I wish I could go back and change, but that's for another thread.
[This message edited by TheGarden at 6:31 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]
I finally started doing things right 1/17/2011 when i googled ILYBINILEY. Holy scheisse! What a revelation! That also happens to be when found SI!
Due to revelation started having full blown panic attacks, so got into IC. Told her symptoms without background and immidiately diagnised as PTSD. The 3 1/2 yrs since has been both the hardest thing ever done and most rewarding. Not only for dealing w idiot unremorseful WH, but also job and friends and family and kids.
Learning i am not responsible for other people. I have to own my own shit,but not everyone elses. Make time for me. Support others but don't do it for them. Honesty with feelings. The list goes on and on!
I have a long way to go, but i now barely recognize the person i used to be, in a very good way!
Notthst i'm doing everythingright now,butI at leastnow recognize the BS and din't
Notthst i'm doing everythingright now,butI at leastnow recognize the BS and don't accept it anymore.
What I did right way:
Stay clam, while FWS freaked out.
Didn't fall for his gas lighting ("I love you, I'd never be with her, you're crazy! It's just a coincidence!")
I didn't play into the drama OW was trying to create by taunting me, I maintained my smug, confident, "I am better than you, bitch." composure when dealing with her.
I didn't break down until I was safely on the freeway, miles away from them.
I packed up his shit and 180'ed him so hard, and went about my life as though I was unaffected, and didn't respond to any of his fishing attempts until he dumped OW and made a sincere attempt at reconciliation. Then I insisted on transparency, IC/MC, and absolute NC (this was a month or so before she showed up pregnant).
[This message edited by Want2help at 8:32 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]
- got into IC immediately
- did not start drinking (12 years sobriety intact)
- mostly kept it together in front of the kids, except for when they saw me crying
- confided in my father who has been a great help keeping me sane
- did not quit my job (came close)
- kept investigating to uncover what I hope is the whole truth after months of TT
- kept my options open
- only two episodes of losing my temper and shouting, and no physical violence
- got a good sleep med, mostly sleeping ok
- allowed myself to feel the pain instead of suppressing it
I found the emails, video and naked photos and first thing I did was email her to stop sending them to my husband, then I texted my husband a photo of the picture, I called it my favorite, while he was at work. I then sat there and watched him delete everything in his email. I know that was bad as I didn't forward it.
What I did right was yell, and cry and call him names. That was right because it showed him my actual feelings.
I think I did the best I could at the time. I was totally unprepared and totally unequipped to deal with an A. Every mistake I made, I really was doing my best.
Now I'm saturn 2.0 Don't fuck with me now.
[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 11:37 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]