Just like everyone else, I am sorry you are here and that any of us are here with you.
(Sorry...this turned out longer than I thought.)
I find myself in a VERY similar situation as you and am just 2 1/2 months out from DDay myself. Our stories seem very similar to me and the reconciliation/recovery seem to be following a very similar path as well. First assumption is that your husband got CAUGHT and did not end the affair voluntarily and then confess. I think we must remember this when thinking about their comments and their answers to our questions. Why do I say this? At DDay, we are bombarding them with questions while they are still reeling from the fallout of getting caught. This is not sympathy on my part, but just a factual understanding that we are asking very difficult questions to a man that is NOT in an emotional state of mind to be able to accurately answer these. Yes, my husband tried his best, but now after 2 months I am seeing just how confused and shell-shocked he was that day and for the days to follow. If we let the dust settle a bit I think things become a bit more clear.
It appears that most of the people on this forum disagree with this, but I am finding that if reconciliation is TRULY what I want and that I am offering the gift of forgiveness to my husband, then in turn, I must show him a little grace as well. If he is making sincere efforts to help me heal, answering my questions, and is truly remorseful, I need to understand that there are some things that I will never "understand" fully.
I think we must also remember that an affair is very similar to an addiction. I am very fortunate that my husband did not have to go through the "withdrawal" part of the addiction because he snapped out of the fog VERY quickly due to the actions of the OW and her treatment of me and that he was ready to confess and "wanted" to be caught to get out, but there were still days/weeks where I could see that my husband was trying to figure out the "whys" and the "hows" and the "Did I really love her?" He needed time to process these things and when he was ready he came back to me with different answers than the ones he had given during Dday. I don't consider this TT but instead him actually beginning to SEE THE TRUTH. During an affair, they are not only lying to YOU, but they are lying to THEMSELVES.
One aspect that we have had to approach VERY carefully are the "details" of the affair. While some may see the following as withholding truth, I believe my husband's efforts are sincere. He is willing to answer ANYTHING I ask, but he is also trying very hard to FORGET the details of the affair and my questions can make this very difficult for him and take his mind back to that place. (He has an uncanny ability to "forget" painful things- always has.) He has stated very clearly and with deep sorrow that he will NEVER forget that he had an affair and how royally he screwed up, but as far as the details...he wants them gone from his head and wants to focus on building new memories with us and not have the OW as part of this picture. While I am UNABLE to do that at this point, I still must appreciate his need/desire to do this AND appreciate that he WANTS to remove all memory of her.
We also did not have a great marriage before the affair. Now, from the outside, everyone would have said it was great, but we have always struggled. Within the first two weeks after DDay we were both FLOORED by how many things that were wrong between us had NEVER been discussed before- most dating back to our long dating history prior to marriage. While I think it is important to focus on the affair and get the information needed to heal, make changes, and discover the "Why", I also think it is equally important to start "fixing" what was wrong...both individually AND as a couple. This in itself is very soothing and healing to me. We are NOT the same couple we were 2 months ago. I refuse to accept any blame for the affair itself, but I am at fault (at least 50% worth) for the state of the marriage prior to the affair. I think it is important to LISTEN and HEAR the comments the WH makes about the state of the marriage prior to the affair. Do not instantly take these as "blame" or and "excuse" for the affair, but know that he may very well be trying to fix the marriage as well- on my part, I appreciate those efforts that weren't there pre-A.
Again, I have read enough on these forums to know that this is not a popular approach here, but these are my thoughts as they relate to MY M, MY healing, and MY R process. And, I think the above is relevant only if you see true remorse and that your H has done "a 180" themselves.
Give yourself some grace as well. This is a tough road and if you're like me, it's the first time you've traveled this road (and hopefully the last). Know that you will make mistakes as will your H...show each other grace. Expect the roller coaster to continue, but I am truly seeing that as time goes on and we do the "work" to heal, that the ups are more frequent than the downs and that I have hope that the ups for the long-term are going to be so much better than the status quo marriage of years gone by- that marriage is GONE forever. My new motto is "Our marriage will not only survive, but it will THRIVE!"
Good luck to you in this journey. May you find peace with where you are and the future to come.