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trying to move forward

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lmdon posted 7/12/2014 15:46 PM

My husband was having an affair for about 4 months. I found out by reason texts. We have been together since we were 16. Married for 13 yrs with 3 kids.
Its been 2 months since I found out and its been such a struggle. I have to admit my husband has been amazing, as he should be! Sitting up with me all night while I cry and we talk. Always reassuring how much he loves me and how sorry he is.
But man has it been hard and everyday is a challenge. I have some days where I feel so down in the dumps and other days where im great. Im sure these r very normal feelings. Im just hoping over time it gets better?
The relationship my husband had was more than sex and this is what I find so difficult to understand. Maybe I shouldn't try to understand it?
he says he wishes he could go back and regrets what he did. Hes always telling me how much he loves me and what I mean to him. Im really struggling and have doubts all the time about his feelings for her. Im always bring in it up and hes always reassuring me but I can see his frustration with it.
My thought is, you did this to me, now you need to deal with the consequences.
We have gone to a councellor, only once. I hated it! I hate having to bring it all back up and go through it. I know its a huge part of the healing process but really dislike it.
anyway, we r both trying so hard. I just need to know there is hope and things get easier. Do I stop focusing on what they had?
They did say they loved eachother and the night I found out I asked him if he did love her. He said yes I do love her. Then quickly said no I love you. This keeps replaying over and over in my head. He says he said it without thinking and didnt mean it. He ended the relationship with her the next day and has had no contact with her.
We didnt have a great marriage before the affair and he treated me terribly throughout it. I have so much hurt that I dont know how to get over. He says he felt I didnt want to be with him and was shocked I was so hurt by it. No hes not using that as an excuse, as he says.
Im always asking him questions about the affair. Things they did etc. He gets annoyed by this and thinks I need to stop thinking about it and move forward.

Want To Wake Up posted 7/12/2014 16:10 PM


I have some days where I feel so down in the dumps and other days where im great.

That's why its' referred to as a "rollercoaster"

Im sure these r very normal feelings

Perfectly normal... although the definition of "normal" is now, sadly, forever altered

Im just hoping over time it gets better?

Time alone doesn't heal, it's what you (and if your plan to R, more importantly your WH) do with that time that heals.

Check out the healing library...

There's lots of helpful information there

It's the weekend and they can be a little slow around here at times... welcome lmdon, this is the best site we all wish we never had need of.

whattheh posted 7/12/2014 17:40 PM

My fWH and I are finally beginning to move forward and that's due in large part to many discussions and many questions I brought up. You know thoroughly discussing everything helped us to get on the same page about the narrative, and in hindsight talking and answering my questions with deep reflection really helped my fWH see the eroor of his ways in an effective way. Many of my questions were centered on what he was thinking when certain things were happening. This helpedhim to retrace his steps and understand the stupidity of what he did and what the reality of the situaion is. For example your fWH didnt love the OW. Wouldn't it be nice if u worked thru what his feelings really were when with OW because that would give you closure and he would be enlitened.

This approach worked for us and I now have acomplete understanding of my fWHs motives thoughts and feelings befor during and after his A. Anyway I'm the kind of person that needs that to happen before I can move forward.

Have your fWH read how to help your spouse heal from your affair and follow that. You will not have a fulfilling M and successful R if he trys to shutdown communication. He needs to face what he did and answer your questions until you feel no need to ask them. Bottom line he needs to be open and honest and make the healing process more about you and your needs instaed of his needs. If he does that he will also be redeeming himself with you.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:48 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

norabird posted 7/12/2014 23:57 PM

The early days are so rough. Moving forward is really just a painful slog through unending muck. But there is no shortcut. It's good he has been mostly patient but he needs to figure out how to accommodate your questions. It may be too early for MC--can you both get into IC? He needs to find his 'why' and fix it or there is a high chance this will happen again. Also know that your feelings and your obsessive questions and thoughts are 110% normal.

For a start, ask him to read 'how to help your spouse heal from your affair'.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/13/2014 06:31 AM

We didnt have a great marriage before the affair and he treated me terribly throughout it. I have so much hurt that I dont know how to get over. He says he felt I didnt want to be with him and was shocked I was so hurt by it. No hes not using that as an excuse, as he says. Im always asking him questions about the affair. Things they did etc. He gets annoyed by this and thinks I need to stop thinking about it and move forward.

So, he feels that 2 months of him putting up with you crying and being emotional is enough, and how you need to move on? How big of him to decide how YOU should heal. Yeah, he's real remorseful.


He says he felt I didnt want to be with him and was shocked I was so hurt by it. No hes not using that as an excuse, as he says.

Of course he is. He's using EXACTLY that excuse.

He has no remorse. He feels totally justified in what he did or he wouldn't have used that LAME excuse about thinking you didn't want him. He feels like he's given you 2 months of lip service and patting your back while you cried, and now you need to shut up and move on because he's been inconvenienced enough by your emotional neediness.

This guy has no remorse at all.

peaceBmine posted 7/13/2014 08:16 AM

Just like everyone else, I am sorry you are here and that any of us are here with you.

(Sorry...this turned out longer than I thought.)

I find myself in a VERY similar situation as you and am just 2 1/2 months out from DDay myself. Our stories seem very similar to me and the reconciliation/recovery seem to be following a very similar path as well. First assumption is that your husband got CAUGHT and did not end the affair voluntarily and then confess. I think we must remember this when thinking about their comments and their answers to our questions. Why do I say this? At DDay, we are bombarding them with questions while they are still reeling from the fallout of getting caught. This is not sympathy on my part, but just a factual understanding that we are asking very difficult questions to a man that is NOT in an emotional state of mind to be able to accurately answer these. Yes, my husband tried his best, but now after 2 months I am seeing just how confused and shell-shocked he was that day and for the days to follow. If we let the dust settle a bit I think things become a bit more clear.

It appears that most of the people on this forum disagree with this, but I am finding that if reconciliation is TRULY what I want and that I am offering the gift of forgiveness to my husband, then in turn, I must show him a little grace as well. If he is making sincere efforts to help me heal, answering my questions, and is truly remorseful, I need to understand that there are some things that I will never "understand" fully.

I think we must also remember that an affair is very similar to an addiction. I am very fortunate that my husband did not have to go through the "withdrawal" part of the addiction because he snapped out of the fog VERY quickly due to the actions of the OW and her treatment of me and that he was ready to confess and "wanted" to be caught to get out, but there were still days/weeks where I could see that my husband was trying to figure out the "whys" and the "hows" and the "Did I really love her?" He needed time to process these things and when he was ready he came back to me with different answers than the ones he had given during Dday. I don't consider this TT but instead him actually beginning to SEE THE TRUTH. During an affair, they are not only lying to YOU, but they are lying to THEMSELVES.

One aspect that we have had to approach VERY carefully are the "details" of the affair. While some may see the following as withholding truth, I believe my husband's efforts are sincere. He is willing to answer ANYTHING I ask, but he is also trying very hard to FORGET the details of the affair and my questions can make this very difficult for him and take his mind back to that place. (He has an uncanny ability to "forget" painful things- always has.) He has stated very clearly and with deep sorrow that he will NEVER forget that he had an affair and how royally he screwed up, but as far as the details...he wants them gone from his head and wants to focus on building new memories with us and not have the OW as part of this picture. While I am UNABLE to do that at this point, I still must appreciate his need/desire to do this AND appreciate that he WANTS to remove all memory of her.

We also did not have a great marriage before the affair. Now, from the outside, everyone would have said it was great, but we have always struggled. Within the first two weeks after DDay we were both FLOORED by how many things that were wrong between us had NEVER been discussed before- most dating back to our long dating history prior to marriage. While I think it is important to focus on the affair and get the information needed to heal, make changes, and discover the "Why", I also think it is equally important to start "fixing" what was wrong...both individually AND as a couple. This in itself is very soothing and healing to me. We are NOT the same couple we were 2 months ago. I refuse to accept any blame for the affair itself, but I am at fault (at least 50% worth) for the state of the marriage prior to the affair. I think it is important to LISTEN and HEAR the comments the WH makes about the state of the marriage prior to the affair. Do not instantly take these as "blame" or and "excuse" for the affair, but know that he may very well be trying to fix the marriage as well- on my part, I appreciate those efforts that weren't there pre-A.

Again, I have read enough on these forums to know that this is not a popular approach here, but these are my thoughts as they relate to MY M, MY healing, and MY R process. And, I think the above is relevant only if you see true remorse and that your H has done "a 180" themselves.

Give yourself some grace as well. This is a tough road and if you're like me, it's the first time you've traveled this road (and hopefully the last). Know that you will make mistakes as will your each other grace. Expect the roller coaster to continue, but I am truly seeing that as time goes on and we do the "work" to heal, that the ups are more frequent than the downs and that I have hope that the ups for the long-term are going to be so much better than the status quo marriage of years gone by- that marriage is GONE forever. My new motto is "Our marriage will not only survive, but it will THRIVE!"

Good luck to you in this journey. May you find peace with where you are and the future to come.

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