SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Rubix posted 7/12/2014 15:58 PM

Me and my Husband got married 2 months ago. We are expecting a baby next month too. I thought we had a very happy, healthy and loving relationship. Then a month ago I went to look on the internet for information on something, and he had left a hotmail account open, one I had never seen before. Usually, I would just open a new tab but noticed the content. It was very hard but forced myself to read messages and saw explicit pictures sent to and from him, both male and female. Their were messages asking to meet up. He promises he never has or would cheat, but he has lied to me about a few things before. Really finding it hard to deal with. I don't trust him at all. So many thoughts are racing through my head. I came here for support. I can't really tell family or friends.

Want To Wake Up posted 7/12/2014 16:15 PM

(((Rubix))) Welcome... just wanted you to know you have been heard, weekends can sometimes be slow on replies here.

Check out the Healing Library...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp

I'm sure other members will be along presently with some sound advice for you... hang in there, we are here for you.

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 4:15 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

totalheartbreak posted 7/12/2014 16:20 PM

Read the library!!!
Gather evidence and a game plan BEFORE you confront.
Don't let him know how you know what you know....

My WW also betrayed me around our marriage.
I am so sorry you are here. Hang in there.

norabird posted 7/12/2014 23:54 PM

What were the lies about in the past?

As you know, his denials in the face of what you saw are worse than meaningless. I would consider getting a. Keylogger or a VAR or a tracking device on his car if you feel you need to gather proof and confronting is only getting you a stonewall. Take some steps to protect yourself and maybe even secretly consult with an attorney.

I am sure you want to save what was supposed to be the start of a beautiful new family--sadly some people deceive us about who they are, whether from shame or pathology. It could be that he is a SA; it could just be that he is wired to not have empathy and that you've been taken in. No matter what it's awful! Please take care of yourself. Try to be strategic if you can so that you can figure out what you are actually dealing with.

Hugs and strength honey.

Guinness23 posted 7/13/2014 03:01 AM

From my perch here, I suspect he only married due to the baby, as hard as that might seem to hear.

You are too newly married for this to happen. Check out annulment options only AFTER you lawyer up and check out his responsibilities toward the baby. Clearly, this man is a lemon. I am SO sorry for your pain.

I am sorry for being so harsh...but if you put more time into him, he will only waste more of your life and your child's and you will end up having to break ties with him down the road.

Huge hugs and mojo

Rubix posted 7/13/2014 03:27 AM

Thank you all so much. It's so good to know I'm not being silly in thinking about keeping tabs on what he does. He is so hard to trust because he has always been so loving (which I know sounds crazy) that's why it was such a shock when I found out. What's even crazier is that we have an extremely good sex life (but maybe I'm not very good). He lied to me about ever being with a male, I'm very open and it would not of bothered me, and yet he lied. When I confronted him about the websites, he said he would never act on it, that it's just a fantasy and the idea of it. That when he was with a male (before we met) he didn't like it. That he isn't attracted to males but likes the attention. I gave him every option to come out. Said we could be friends and pretend to stay married if he was afraid of coming out but wouldn't be with him. That we could stay friends and stay in the same house. But he said he had no reason to hide it if he were gay. That he wanted to stay with me, that he loves me. That I am his soul mate. He also lied about the fact that he had slept with his best friend (a girl) before we met. He said it was the once and that it was only a few seconds, then 2 years later he tells me it was a few times they did it properly. While I'm writing this I feel so silly, cause anyone else I would be telling them to wake up and realise what's going on, but with how he is with me and the things he does for me, I'm so confused :/.

crashednburned posted 7/13/2014 06:23 AM

I am so sorry that this has happened to you but am glad that you found this site. There are many wonderful people here that will give you support. Just keep posting your thoughts and questions. Read in the Healing Library in the yellow box. You will find lots of useful information.

You need to go into investigative mode to make sure you know the whole truth. Put a keylogger on his computer and quietly watch. This is your life and you need to know what is going on in it.

I am sorry but I think he is meeting up with men and women and keeping it from you. Please take care of yourself and your baby. Make sure you are eating and drink plenty of water. My heart goes out to you.

doggiediva posted 7/13/2014 08:38 AM

Go ahead and assemble all of the physical and moral support you will need ahead of time for helping you take care of your new baby...Parents, relatives, friends...

Do the above with the idea in mind that your WH won't be there living with you..

It may be easier assembling this kind of support and making yourself ready to walk away NOW vs 5-10 years down the road... The more the years fly by, the bigger a root ball there is to untangle..

If I were a pastor or counselor advising young couples, I would encourage both partners to be independent ENOUGH from each other financially and socially so that walking away from a marriage they are about to undertake is always immediately possible for the rest of their lives..

For a marriage to be good, both partners need to be there for each other physically and emotionally,and of course love, attraction and trust needs to be there.. But this can be done from a position of strength...This strength is what keeps one partner from controlling the other partner..

Any kind of A nukes the hell out of a marriage or relationship and it is hard to R or repair the relationship in the aftermath of infidelity..Many times it is not possible to rebuild to a healthy relationship after an A is discovered..Especially if the WS tries to blame shift, or takes R ( if it is offered ) for granted..

I think R goes better when both people WANT to R and neither person feels stuck in the marriage..

Continue stealth mode to investigate what your WH is up to and take good care of your physical and mental health..Focus on you and what makes you feel better...Let your WH take care of himself and do the heavy lifting of fixing this...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:03 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]

Lostly posted 7/13/2014 09:15 AM

I first found something quite similar about my husband when I was 6 months pregnant with my first daughter. We had been married longer than you, 3 years. It was extremely traumatic and I understand what you are going through. Its awful. The pain of betrayal is like no other.

I forgive my husband and put my head in the sand, mostly because I loved him and wanted to believe him, so I did. I later discovered he was a SA (sex addict).6 children and 19 years later I finally got the courage to divorce him. He destroyed my soul in the process. I know this is an awful time to find out about your husband, especially whilst expecting your first child. There are few things worse.

But please, please, please don't do what I did. Your husband has e-mails showing he is wanting to meet up with multiple different partners and he is lying to you about it. He's not owning his shit. This most likely has been going on for some time, probably whilst you were dating.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but its actually a blessing to find out early, before you had too much invested. I am so sorry you find yourself here. I know its not fun, or fair, or OK. Please consider confiding in a trusted friend. It can help you so much having someone who is on your side that can help you through. You shouldn't have to be putting on a brave face for others at this time.

norabird posted 7/13/2014 09:24 AM

Do not let that voice in your head say 'maybe I'm not that good in bed and that is why he strayed'. The reason is not YOU, it is his brokenness!!

And why, why, why would you offer him the option to stay with you in a sham marriage? You can't be afraid of losing him. Quite frankly losing him would be a gift compared to staying with him for the outside world and letting him betray you and indulge all his sick needs. I'm not saying that opposite sex attraction itself is bad--but hiding your identity, lying to someone who trusts you, is toxic behavior.

You both need IC, you should consult with a lawyer as well about your rights and please try to practice the 180.

Rubix posted 7/13/2014 11:06 AM

Thank you all. I'm looking up keylogging. Not sure how to do that without him knowing though as it would be on his Ipad or phone. I have thought about him being an SA. I think that if he is continuing to do go on these type of sites it's when he is at work. But I'm being as smart here at home as I can. Is there anyway of accessing private browsing?

Lostly posted 7/13/2014 15:33 PM

I am not that tech savvy and I am not sure of any myself. I would start with a google search and see what you come up with. From what I understand key loggers are fairly easy to install, and that will give you passwords and access to any secret email accounts or online dating/hook-up sites he may be on. I would also invest in a VAR (voice activated recorder) and install it in his car. I have also heard that there is a way of recovering deleted information from PC's. I am not sure what the process is but I know it can be done.

If you can I would not let on that you are in Detective mode' as you don't want him to catch on and become better at hiding information. Print out anything you find and put in a safe place. WS are good at deleting incriminating content.

More importantly, please take care of yourself. If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed or if its too much, please stop and rest. The most important thing right now is the health of your baby and you. Most BS's loose weight and some become dehydrated in the first few months, so please make sure you are eating well and drinking plenty. I know there isn't a worst time to be going through this.