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soccermom9 posted 7/12/2014 17:24 PM

Well I went to my WH family members funeral out of state. While there I had a major trigger so I got quiet and tried to deal with it on my own but on the way bak to the hotel, WH ask what was wrong and I let it fly. I finally got SUPER angry to the point I punched my car window (completely out of character for me). My WH was very upset and said he could t talk about it now that he just didn't have it in him but did say he guessed we should just divorce. Why the crap am I going thru this if he will just give up so easily after vowing he was trying to make things right! I just don't understand!

Pass posted 7/12/2014 19:10 PM

He's saying that to throw you off balance. The answer he is hoping for is, "I'm sorry I expressed anger about you screwing around. PLEASE don't threaten divorce."

The Princess used to pull that shit on me all the time. Finally I was the one who suggested divorce, but I meant it!

soccermom9 posted 7/12/2014 19:17 PM

You are likely correct! I am trying but can't keep trying alone!

Salt posted 7/12/2014 19:20 PM

Yep. It's a manipulation. I got that too, intended to get me to shut up and go back to being controlled.

Next time he says it call his bluff by saying if you want to quit then go quit. Then walk away.

Ex stopped doing that after I threw it back at him and disengaged. Until finally I was the one who said I'm done.

Nature_Girl posted 7/12/2014 19:23 PM

No, you cannot have a healthy, satisfying marriage alone. However, it certainly sounds like he's hoping you'll keep trying! As long as you, meaning just you, keep trying, then he can remain a coward & refuse to do the hard work of reconciliation.

OakStreet posted 7/12/2014 19:39 PM

soccermom9 -

Shame on you! You made him uncomfortable!

Either that, or he's still "in the fog".

My WH did both of these things - didn't want to talk about it and said he hoped I would throw him out....life is too short to be unhappy, blah, blah, blah.

Your Dday is rather recent. Have you and/or WH started counseling? We went through 5 months of counseling before WH started to "get it" and supposedly invest in our R.

Then I found out they took the A underground.

Now WH is out of the fog, all for R, doesn't want to split up.
But it may be too little, too late.

Again, give it time - but set your boundaries and demands.

Best wishes.

MissMouseMo posted 7/12/2014 19:46 PM

Here's something novel to try:

Tell him yeah, he's probably right, probably ought to just go ahead and divorce. Tell him you'll go Monday. You can't reach anyone today or tomorrow, but you can make a list by doing a web review of recommended attorneys. Start making a list so you can make the appointment(s).

Either he'll freak out and scramble to start putting things back that he broke, or he keeps walking - and who cares?

Seriously, what have you got to lose?

Ostrich80 posted 7/12/2014 19:56 PM

I'm going to chime in with the others. My ws would also say we may as well D since I couldnt get past it. He would also throw in a sympathy move, "Ive been really trying but its just not good enough for you, is it"

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:22 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]

GetEvenInAZ posted 7/12/2014 20:22 PM

Ok. Nearly 4 yrs after DDay #too-fucking-many, my xWH STILL pulls manipulative, controlling crap like this.

It is meant to manipulate and control you so you fit in WWs universe. Unfortunately, that universe is not the same one most rationale people live in, including us BSs.

He wants sympathy and encouragement that what he did wasn't really all that bad and that he is somehow a victim.

Umm....no. what he did WAS that and bad and NO he is not a victim.!

What has worked lately is:
"Seriously? What normal person say that?"
"Are you high? Because thats is f'd and no normal person says/thinks that."

It put onus on him to explain, which can be quite funny if in right frame of mind.

The thing that has worked for me lately are the followingphrases:

[This message edited by GetEvenInAZ at 8:26 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

GetEvenInAZ posted 7/12/2014 20:29 PM

Ostrich80...mine was "can't win for losing". Whatevs

GetEvenInAZ posted 7/12/2014 20:35 PM

Stupid ipad!

Phrases currently working:
Seriously? What normal person thinks/says that?
Are you high? Because what you said is f'd up and not normal.

It shows i no linger believe him and puts onus on him to explain his idiotic statements.

A good eye-roll is very effective when words fail and need to gather your thoughts.