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WS phases after A?

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whymewhyus posted 7/12/2014 18:42 PM

Do they go through any certain phases after the A is revealed and possibly looking into R? Were 1 meeting into MC and he has agreed to NC unless it's work related (they work at the same place). Do they get angry out of no where? Good days, awful days? He was quite mean yesterday and said he wasn't 'attracted' to me anymore. Out of no where when 3 days ago he said he wanted to save 16 years in our MC. I just don't get it. I hate being down and feeling blamed.

Arnold01 posted 7/12/2014 19:23 PM

I'm sorry that you find yourself here because of your husband's choices. SI is a great resource and you will find lots of sound advice and support here.

I can't speak to anyone's experience but my own. When I discovered my husband's affair last year, it was the classic case of him being the last person in the world you would have ever thought... And in those first weeks, he was often angry like I had never seen. Not screaming and throwing things angry, but just bitter and nasty and awful to me. While it came out at me, it was really his anger at himself for how royally he had screwed up our lives. Your husband may be feeling the same sense of failure about himself.

At that time he was also angry - and then heartbroken - about losing his AP. This was horrible to experience and at the time I wasn't strong enough to tell him to go grieve her and be pissed about losing her somewhere else. So I stuck through it and have to say that experiencing this side of him for nine weeks until he finally decided to end their relationship completely is one of the biggest things that has made recovery difficult for me. So whatever your situation right one, please be focused on taking care of yourself and protecting yourself emotionally (and certainly physically) from the fallout of his anger.

Eventually the anger passed and we got on a good course for R. It turned out that H's inability to express his feelings to me or anyone was a big contributor to his having an affair. So now when he is upset, he tells me (in the right way), and that has been a big positive step for us and our marriage.

Hugs to you and keep coming to SI as much as you need.

doggiediva posted 7/12/2014 20:33 PM

Umm yes..The WS has to tell you he or she is upset before having an A..That is if he or she wants to conduct things in a way that preserves a marriage, a friendship...OMG...The misbehaviors that people expect to be excused from astounds me...I would think that this common courtesy is taught in emotional relationships/friendship 101, barely out of high school, lol.....

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:36 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

whattheh posted 7/12/2014 21:14 PM

My fWH held some false beliefs about us and our M which he had built up so he could allow himself to cheat. Lots of deep conversations helped him to recognize this is what he had done along with revising our M history.

He also spent some time being defensive and he did not realize what was expected of him at first for healing and R. He thought this could be rug swept but I didn't allow that. I was relentless and stubborn but also patient. I cut him slack when he failed because I realized cheaters have poor coping and decisionmaking skills.

I think the phases will vary depending on so many factors and circumstance.

[This message edited by whattheh at 9:14 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

whymewhyus posted 7/12/2014 21:24 PM

I just really dont get it. 3 days ago he wanted to attend MC with me and to save our marriage and didn't want to lose me and now he says he isn't attracted to me, I get on his nerves and he doesn't know if its going to work. I am trying so hard to get him to notice me and see that our marriage can work but at the same time I know it's makings look like a door mat and he sees that. This is so hard and I hate being this way :(

badmedicine posted 7/12/2014 22:43 PM

Do NOT try to get him to notice you or see that your marriage can work. He needs to come to this conclusion on his own and it doesn't sound like he is there yet. I'm not trying to be harsh, but please take care of yourself. You should not feel guilty about this!! His comments that he isn't attracted to you are NOT the signs of a remorseful spouse ready to work on the M. Are you/he in IC? I think that might be more helpful right now so that you can each work on yourselves. You should consider the 180 for now...protect yourself and gain some strength. If he comes around then you will know it is because he truly is ready to work on the marriage and help you recover from his poor choices and bad behavior. That is much better than him doing this out of some sense of guilt/obligation without real empathy for what he put you through. If you just found out then there are so many emotions that will be happening on both sides.

ETA: You have 2 ddays on your this the strategy you used last time? Please don't give in to the temptation to blame yourself or rugsweep what he has done. He needs to be accountable to you, his W of 16 years!

[This message edited by badmedicine at 10:44 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

norabird posted 7/13/2014 00:06 AM

If he is saying those things, he isn't really remorseful. Do not participate in MC until he actually is talking the talk and walking the walk. That means no blame shifting and gaslighting. It's very foggy to be so hurtful towards you.

stronger08 posted 7/13/2014 06:57 AM

When dealing with an A and the subsequent fallout, coupled with a foggy and assholeish WS its imperative you be active in moving along instead of reactive to their mood swings and rants. Keep in mind that R is a gift from the BS to the WS. That's right my friend, a gift.... and a damn big one if you ask me. Do not sit there waiting for him to make up his mind. Throw his ass out and let him live with the consequences of his actions. Personally I would not waste my time going to MC while my WS was acting this way. Let him attend IC as a requirement to R. Your allowing him to call the shots here. He is using that power you gave him to emotionally terrorize you. Take back your power and begin to heal yourself. Let him know he is welcome to heal with you, but there are certain non negotiable requirements that go along with your gift of R. Remember he is the one who is broken, he is the one who fucked up and created this mess. He is no prize to be had, nor should you even entertain that thought. YOU on the other hand did nothing wrong and certainly are a prize. He should be kissing your ass begging for forgiveness. Make sure you make that point perfectly clear to him ASAP. If he continues to give you shit, how him the door and let him live the life he thinks he wants. Trust me reality is very different then the fantasy they have in their heads. He needs to know exactly what he will lose due to his cheating ways. That includes you, money, custody and any other thing he thinks he has under his controlling thumb. Assholes like him need to be shown that life doesn't follow their rules. That consequence is certainly a by product of acting like a dirt bag. Its up to YOU to show him that. If you sit there letting him run the show, the show is never going to stop playing.

deceivedguy posted 7/13/2014 07:18 AM

16 years here, too.
I went through the same thing with my WW. I was so frazzled trying to get her to like me. This was only a month and a half ago, but in hindsight, I realize that the more I kissed her butt and tried to be whatever I thought she wanted me to be, the more I was empowering her. In my situation, I believe my WW was, and probably still is cheating.

I am currently doing 180 and she has been kissing MY butt, as everyone on SI told me she would. I'm not doing it for that reason though. I'm not giving in to her sudden renewed interest in me. I'm distancing myself because I know that when I confront her with the ultimatum of showing me her electronics or getting a D, she's most likely going to choose D. There is no way she's going to show me her secrets. She'll probably wipe her electronics and try to show me after I serve the D papers, but by then it'll be too late, and the 180 will have hopefully given me enough distance to cope.

Is it possible that your WS is still cheating?

whymewhyus posted 7/13/2014 07:32 AM

Yes this is the 2nd dday and I guess I'm resorting back to the same old way I was when the first dday happened 4 years ago. Begging and feeling sorry for myself so that he will notice me and start putting his heart into the right place but I know that's not good for either of us right now. I feel like I'm the one that is constantly being punished and paying the price for this A. I feel like he is feeling no pain for me, no empathy, nothing. One minute he's soft and sweet and 'flirty' and the next, he doesn't touch me while were in bed all because he isn't 'attracted' to me. And no, I don't think he's still cheating. I access all records and we blocked her number from his phone. So far so good but that doesn't mean anything right now. It counts for something yes but whether or not it continues, I am not sure. I feel like we're completely in limbo right now. Dday #2 was revealed a week today and that evening he was so remorseful and thought he'd lose me because of the way I was acting and he begged for forgiveness and now this? Now I get the cold shoulder? I've been the only constant thing in his life for 16 years, he can't even count on his own family and he knows it. Why treat me like this? Just almost fed up now. I'm tired and exhausted.

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