I can't speak to anyone's experience but my own. When I discovered my husband's affair last year, it was the classic case of him being the last person in the world you would have ever thought... And in those first weeks, he was often angry like I had never seen. Not screaming and throwing things angry, but just bitter and nasty and awful to me. While it came out at me, it was really his anger at himself for how royally he had screwed up our lives. Your husband may be feeling the same sense of failure about himself.
At that time he was also angry - and then heartbroken - about losing his AP. This was horrible to experience and at the time I wasn't strong enough to tell him to go grieve her and be pissed about losing her somewhere else. So I stuck through it and have to say that experiencing this side of him for nine weeks until he finally decided to end their relationship completely is one of the biggest things that has made recovery difficult for me. So whatever your situation right one, please be focused on taking care of yourself and protecting yourself emotionally (and certainly physically) from the fallout of his anger.
Eventually the anger passed and we got on a good course for R. It turned out that H's inability to express his feelings to me or anyone was a big contributor to his having an affair. So now when he is upset, he tells me (in the right way), and that has been a big positive step for us and our marriage.
Hugs to you and keep coming to SI as much as you need.
[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:36 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]
He also spent some time being defensive and he did not realize what was expected of him at first for healing and R. He thought this could be rug swept but I didn't allow that. I was relentless and stubborn but also patient. I cut him slack when he failed because I realized cheaters have poor coping and decisionmaking skills.
I think the phases will vary depending on so many factors and circumstance.
[This message edited by whattheh at 9:14 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]
ETA: You have 2 ddays on your profile...is this the strategy you used last time? Please don't give in to the temptation to blame yourself or rugsweep what he has done. He needs to be accountable to you, his W of 16 years!
[This message edited by badmedicine at 10:44 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]
I am currently doing 180 and she has been kissing MY butt, as everyone on SI told me she would. I'm not doing it for that reason though. I'm not giving in to her sudden renewed interest in me. I'm distancing myself because I know that when I confront her with the ultimatum of showing me her electronics or getting a D, she's most likely going to choose D. There is no way she's going to show me her secrets. She'll probably wipe her electronics and try to show me after I serve the D papers, but by then it'll be too late, and the 180 will have hopefully given me enough distance to cope.
Is it possible that your WS is still cheating?