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Newest Member: Jasnah (61860)

User Topic: Anniversary question
♀ 40139
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our wedding anniversary is coming up and I am feeling very anxious and triggery. Two years ago, a month after DDay 1, he gave me a plant. Not flowers... a plant. I am not really a gift person, but he loves to give gifts and so I was unimpressed.

It's been over a year since DDay 2, and R is going mostly well. We're talking about our relationship issues, so that's good.

He is stressing a lot about what to do for me for our anniversary. I actually feel like I need him to put serious effort into it this year. I told him all I want is a night AWAY with him so we can have mad crazy sex and not worry about kids. We don't have a lot of money, so I gave him a LOT of notice and he specifically said "leave it to me". So it's three days from our anniversary and he is so stressed out because I don't think we're going to be able to afford it; we are still paying off all the debt he racked up on paying for his MLC.

So it feels like he is doing the "devaluing" thing again. He is finding fault with me constantly: my expression is miserable, nobody respects him, he is trying, trying, trying and nothing makes me happy, blah blah yada yada.

I don't know how to address it. The "old me" would just pretend I changed my mind about the hotel and ask if we could just stay in and watch Netflix. But I don't want to let him off the hook this time. He had every opportunity to plan and prepare for this, and he didn't. I'm not angry about it, it isn't that. But I don't want to have to pretend I am not disappointed, and I don't want to make it ok that he didn't prioritize this.

I am a recovering co-dependant, so I honestly don't know how to navigate this so we both still feel respected.

Me: Believer, 40s
Him: Liar, 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R. It only hurts now when it rains.

Posts: 865 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 40779
Member # 40779
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simply tell him you do not expect the Ritz but you do expect some kind of effort. Also that you think he is taking his stress out on you. Explain you will be happy to listen to his concerns, but you will not be treated like that. Maybe you two can brainstorm and figure out a perfect night!

BW 41(me)
WH 41
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with whorenado
DDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)
I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.

Posts: 332 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 41245
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tricky situation. I too had a "make-up" anniversary request. He did step up, but it didn't mean he was done with lying...but that's for another post.

I've learned something about male psychology and that is, the less said the better. A simple statement about what you'd enjoy and then let him figure it out. After all with us co-dependent types, we want to "make it easy" by coaching them in exactly what to do, but that pretty much defeats the point I've found. Give him space to do this on his own, without reminding him, and he may surprise you. This is the only thing that has worked for me with any success.

What you *can* do, is express how you're feeling, truthfully and without drama. Let him figure out how to earn your good graces. Anything else will be perceived by him as "nagging." And especially let him know if he gets it right :)

Married 10 years, together for 15
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 296 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 3

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