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Why don't all (WS) just leave?

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Badnewseverybody posted 7/12/2014 19:45 PM

I'm not sure I understand why any of the WS's stay? If they've found new/better love or are no longer in love why not just break it off and move on instead of all the betrayal and anguish. Of course after being betrayed multiple times-why don't I?

simplydevastated posted 7/12/2014 19:49 PM

Because they are selfish. Why give up a good stable relationship when you can keep something on the side? At the time, in their mind, it's a win-win. They probably think they'll never get caught. Just my opinion...

redsox13 posted 7/12/2014 19:53 PM

I think it is a simple calculation:
They don't think they will get caught, and if they do they are confident we are too weak to leave.

So they get their A and they don't have to change their lives completely.

Ostrich80 posted 7/12/2014 20:00 PM

They don't think they will get caught

This ^^^^
Why leave when they have the warm and fuzzies of a comfortable home plus have a little excitement on the side.
Theres also the financial part, either dependent on bs or if they are the main breadwinner they may not like to divvy up the $$, child support, alimony and such.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 8:03 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

deena04 posted 7/12/2014 20:39 PM

Selfishness and cowardice...this sums it up.

tfkeel posted 7/12/2014 20:43 PM

Because staying is easy, keeps them supported financially, and allows them to keep a facade of being an upright, stable member of society.

It protects them from criticism, and from accountability to their extended family, jobs, church, social clubs, etc.

In my WWs case, she knew there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell that her AP was going to take on her medical bills, her special-needs child, and maintain child and spousal support to his own family. He was a blue-collar steel worker in a non-union shop who made 8 bucks an hour (1985)


[This message edited by tfkeel at 8:46 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

HeBrokeVows posted 7/12/2014 20:45 PM

Mine only left after getting caught. He would've lived a double life for years probably because it was better for him financially. I really believe that is the only reason why he stayed.

kernel posted 7/12/2014 20:52 PM

Mine left. I didn't find out the real reason why until 4 months later. The abandonment did not make any of it easier, believe me. There is no easier or less painful version of infidelity - it all sucks wide.

whattheh posted 7/12/2014 20:58 PM

Because they are not all cheating to end their marriages.

Many cheaters are risk taker types and don't think they will ever be caught. Mine didn't want me to find out so badly to the extent that he put up with being threatened and blackmailed by an OW wiith mental problems.

My fWH thought for sure I would demand D when I found out but I told him I wanted to give R a try because I still loved him, he loved me and he was extremely remorseful and went NC and transparent immediately on dDay. I don't feel I was weak to agree to R instead of D.

[This message edited by whattheh at 9:05 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

FightingBack posted 7/12/2014 20:59 PM

my WH never wanted to leave his family. That would have been too much work for him.

Luckily for him he had a married OW who was quite satisfied to engage in their fantasy world without pressuring him to leave.

Hell, she didn't want to give up the comforts of her home or her marriage either.

Had they both really considered leaving their spouses, they would have said........errr, Noooo.

She was the perfect mistress. No pressure.

musiclovingmom posted 7/12/2014 21:43 PM

Because they are not all cheating to end their marriages.
Many cheaters are risk taker types and don't think they will ever be caught. Mine didn't want me to find out so badly to the extent that he put up with being threatened and blackmailed by an OW wiith mental problems.

My fWH thought for sure I would demand D when I found out but I told him I wanted to give R a try because I still loved him, he loved me and he was extremely remorseful and went NC and transparent immediately on dDay. I don't feel I was weak to agree to R instead of D.

This. Almost word for word. My H never wanted to leave at all. He has a history of making decisions that have high short-term benefits without considering the long-term cost until it is staring him in the face. He liked the attention. His OW kept him from being alone when we were apart (different work schedules plus his out of town work). For him, they were the whipped cream on top of dessert - a nice bonus but not really much on their own. Our family was the dessert, and, honestly, his priority almost all the time when we weren't physically separated (I can only think of one exception).

stunnedin12 posted 7/12/2014 21:58 PM

Wh did not leave because of the divorce laws in our state. 50% gtd. no questions asked by the judge and then whatever a killer lawyer can get in addition to that 50% ...

He has his moments so I'm good with limbo, but he didn't leave because of the money.

Sunnydaysahead posted 7/12/2014 23:04 PM

Right there with Musiclovingmom and whattheh..(.only the OW wasn't crazy. I guess she was content in her marriage, didn't
love my H, she just liked having quickie sex with him). Even though he had a LTA, My H says he never wanted to leave the marriage, never even thought about it.

I can understand all the reasons listed why WS's don't leave.

I struggle more with why BS's don't leave, myself included. We have been betrayed in the worst way possible by our selfish spouses, sometimes more than once and still many of us stick around. I never dreamed I would tolerate infidelity in my marriage. I always said if H ever dreamed of cheating, his shit would be in the street....(that didn't happen, we are working on R and I am cautiously optimistic).

Ostrich80 posted 7/13/2014 02:30 AM

In addition to the other reasons I.posted above, my ws knows his daughter's cannot stand ow or her brats. I told him on DD to move in with her. He said I would never do that. My girls are are pretty close with their dad and at times I think that's why he's still here. If he moved in with ow, he knows without doubt, it would ruin the R with his DD's. I suppose the plan was get rid of me after the kids are older than act like he recently hooked up with ow but I messed that up by busting his ass.

LadyLove posted 7/13/2014 13:44 PM

I often ask myself this question. Especially since WH TT'ed for 20 months.

Just last month I found out that MOW had left her husband and moved into an apartment on my WH's route to work. She was ready and waiting for my WH to leave me and move in with her. When he finally had the balls to tell her he wasn't leaving me, she sent me a FB message outing the A. Lucky for him he got home and told me about her before I saw her message. That was DDay - 21 months ago.

The fact that he continued to lie and minimize and omit for 20 months does make me wonder why he didn't just leave. Granted, he went NC on that very day I found out (as far as I know, anyway). But why stick around if you're just gonna bullshit your way through the next 2 years? The "I didn't want to hurt you/lose you" crap just doesn't fly with me.

heme posted 7/13/2014 16:14 PM

They are broken in the very core of their beings.. Anyone who will willingly violate their vows and promises aren't whole..

With mine he was broken enough to think that he was doing me a "favor" by satisfying desires he knew wouldn't fly with me outside of marriage. He actually thought it would make out marriage better and Id never find out anyway so it didn't really matter.

In his own twisted, broken way he thought he was doing the best for everyone involved. I don't understand and the more he looks into it the less he understands. Its something he is working through during IC and group therapy. One day hopefully he can figure it out

confused615 posted 7/13/2014 16:26 PM

Most are arrogant enough that they believe they will never be caught. I would imagine most waywards don't cheat because they want out of their marriage. Most just think they won't get caught,and their marriage isn't even a consideration.

Selfishness. That's why they don't leave. And, IMO, that's the "why" for most WS's. Selfishness...and because they can.

TheGarden posted 7/13/2014 16:35 PM

I believe that my WH viewed the OW primarily as an ego-kibble dispenser. He has said since DDay (and I believe him) that he never had any intention of leaving the marriage, was not in love with her, or anything like that. He was in it for the flattery and attention she provided. Like another poster said upthread, the affair was whipped cream on top of a dessert, not much by itself but a nice addition if you can get it. He thought he could continue to get his kibble secretly on the side while still maintaining the stability and structure that the rest of his life depended on (yeah, not so much...)

Interestingly, I once caught him in a lie in which he threw her under the bus so that he wouldn't look bad in front of me. And after the fog wore off (about 1.5 weeks in), he dumped her on her ass and never looked back. As much as he failed to consider my feelings during the affair, I don't think he considered hers much either. Although I don't feel any sympathy for her (you always reap what you sow as an OW), she got used. During the affair, he was in it for him, and the rest of us just didn't matter much.

In that kind of situation, why would a WS leave? They have a nice, faithful spouse at home keeping their life together, and an eager kibble-dispensing AP boosting their self-regard on the side. It's a great situation if they can get it. (Until it all implodes around them...)

[This message edited by TheGarden at 8:58 AM, July 14th (Monday)]

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