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Newest Member: timeheals (61501)

User Topic: DD16 in tears of 'family' vacation - vent
♀ 30742
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who in the world thinks that making jokes about Nazis and concentration camps is funny and appropriate?

Well, I guess the family of OW.... And xh is scolding DD16 for standing up for herself (after just having done a tour of Buchenwald last week while we were on vacation in Germany and I also wanted them to see the dark side of their history) and telling OW's brother that jokes of that nature are uncalled for.

So, not only does XH want DDs to call this jerk 'uncle' (which they refuse to do), he also lets his new family insult the heritage of DDS who are half German and allow this guy to name call and be obnoxious on top of it all.

Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1322 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
♀ 3903
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not even know what to say to such inexcusable horrific behavior! He should demand them to apologize to his children.

But of course he won't. Validating their feelings is the best you can do.

[This message edited by risingfromashes at 10:26 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

There is a wonderful life on the other side of hell.
After litigation, lawyers and courtrooms, I went back to school and recieved my Masters in Conflict Resolution. Now a Mediator helping people avoid what I went through!

Posts: 2114 | Registered: Mar 2004
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to say that your DD16 sounds like my kind of gal! I am sorry they are experiencing this though.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm always fascinated by how someone scolds someone else for calling out bad behaviour. How they actually it? It is such a ridiculous argument no matter what they say. What did DD say when he tried to scold her?

A few weeks into my job there were jokes flying around about race and homosexuality. Now none of these people are overtly racist or homophobic but clearly there is an issue if they think this kind of thing is funny or appropriate.

Jokes of this nature make me enormously uncomfortable - especially so in a work environment because I can't give them a mouthful like I would in my personal life. I find it difficult to address.

I took my boss aside (he was a part of it - I'm his assistant) and told him that as the CEO he had a duty to conduct himself impeccably and that the incident that just happened was completely inappropriate. He told me I was being too "PC" - it was just a joke. I told him PC is a word for racists and homophobes not being allowed to express their views publicly without condemnation. Is that how he wanted to be perceived? As a racist and homophobe?

Racist and homophobic jokes are jokes are for racists and homophobics - it is a pretty simple concept. Nothing "PC" about it. He understood my meaning but months later he REALLY understood my meaning when he met a 'real homophobe' (his words) and was disgusted by the things he was saying and called him out on it.

Same goes for is situation. The "PC" argument has even less merit (if that is even possible) given DDs ancestry. She gets to choose what bad behaviour she calls out - not her dad. Why should she have to tolerate that kind of ignorance? Let alone call it uncle.

He is completely out of line. X is completely out of line. Your DD was the only adult here. Even if he thought there was nothing wrong with it it is not up to him to set HER boundaries. So he can just fuck off.

Remind her that she did the right thing, that you support her 100% and that she doesn't have to tolerate that kind of ignorance. What she did is how change is made in this world. I for one am proud of her.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6008 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 22722
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mother told me early on that I do not get to choose my family. I get to choose my friends. Which makes friends enormously precious, when your family can be such a horrific embarrassment and let down. She also said it is perfectly OK to hold negative views of one's family members. What isn't OK is to let their negative qualities have anything to do with YOU. You are your own person and nobody in your family makes you any less.

She said that learning how to handle oneself when in the same space as disgusting family members (racists, 'phobes, willfully ignorant, etc) is good practice for how to conduct yourself at work, where you don't get to choose your co-workers, either.

It might be helpful to talk about the options she has for how to conduct herself.

Silence is one, but if it implies consent that's another issue.
"Excuse me, I'm going to the lady's room"
"I'd prefer not to discuss this"
"How about those Giants?"
"You racist pig!" is another option, but rather nuclear. Consequences of going this route can be rather unpleasant.

DD16 is grown up enough to start coming up with some strategies in dealing with her new "family"

I called my uncle "Carbuncle" once he'd left the house.... it helped me manage my anger.

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

Posts: 2074 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
♀ 21737
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All good replies but standing ovation on SBB's!

Posts: 1541 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: SoCal
Topic Posts: 6

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