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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: Advice? SAs welcome
Actionsoverwords
♂ 41949
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, everyone,

I am hoping for some perspective. I have been separated from BW and DS for almost 4 months. During this time, I have been working on my SA, FOO, and anger. Now things are not great, but the way BW and I were living was untenable.

Maintaining two residences has been a drain on our limited finances. BW is the primary caretaker for DS and I work. I am living in the property we own while BW and DS are renting a larger space. The lease on the rental will be up in a few months and while our relationship is heading in a direction away from R, our financial situation necessitates us to possibly live together.

I will be honest here and say that while I have been working recovery, I have not been working on making BW feel safe or been transparent in my recovery. I had an opportunity to move the ball in the right direction, but I screwed that up and blew my deadline, a number of times, to bring a plan and have a serious dialogue.

Now with time running down, we have been talking about what is acceptable behavior and I brought up a plan that would confine my acting out to my own space/room, but I would work hard not to.

I guess having that conversation just really brought home (again) how far I have allowed me addiction to destroy my life. It's painful for me, but I am so sorry for my BW and DS that this is who their spouse and father is, respectively.

My plan is to continue working recovery, define goals in recovery, and talk about and plan for our living situation, in consultation with BW, post the end of the lease. I guess what I am looking for are opinions on the aforementioned plan and to see if anyone out there has any ideas on some realistic, viable, options?


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 309 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you are asking for opinions on your 'acting out' strategy?

I spent time in SAA, and I don't remember any acceptable level of acting out. Sober is sober. DO you mean defining your sobriety? Do you use bottom line or inner circle activities as your definition of being sober?

Personally, I would not think it was a good idea to have a place to act out in the house. What do you define as acting out?

To me it sounds like you still are not in control of your addiction.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
DrJekyll
♂ 43618
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you have been apart for 4 months. what was the goal when you separated? The lease is coming due and you are scurrying to find a solution. You have not been working on R or the M just yourself, which in itself is not an issue except now you are looking at moving home.

I agree with badchoice, it does sound like you are looking for an acceptable place to "act out" there is no acceptable place to "act out" and if you are even considering it. You should not be at home with your BS and DS.

IMO in house S takes a level of trust. which it sounds like you have not earned yet.

I can think of a few other solutions. maybe your BS and DC can move back in, and you can find a smaller place to rent. 1 bedroom or studio apt. in stead of them renting a larger place. Or get more work. get a second job to help afford her some of that freedom.

It almost feel like, you made a quick rash decision to get her into a new place, and have not worked on things with her, and now are making a quick rash decision to get her moved back home. And using these action as manipulation against her.

You have told us your thoughts, and your plan. But I wonder what does your BS want? what is she asking of you?


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 888 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
Actionsoverwords
♂ 41949
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you are asking for opinions on your 'acting out' strategy?
I spent time in SAA, and I don't remember any acceptable level of acting out. Sober is sober. DO you mean defining your sobriety? Do you use bottom line or inner circle activities as your definition of being sober?

Personally, I would not think it was a good idea to have a place to act out in the house. What do you define as acting out?

To me it sounds like you still are not in control of your addiction.

You are absolutely correct, there is no acceptable level of acting out. My bottom line behaviors include pornographic viewing, collecting, etc., sex outside of marriage, and compulsive masturbation, among many others. Regarding pornography, it has been a while since I've searched for porn, viewed it, collect it, and sex outside of marriage has not occurred since 2008. I have been struggling with compulsive masturbation and I acknowledge it, record it, and disclose it, whenever I do it. It is something that I am actively working on, but recently, I have not had a strong record of sobriety regarding compulsive masturbation.

My BW's concern is that she does not want to find out that I acted out in close proximity to DS, or have him or herself come into contact with my (TMI WARNING HERE) bodily fluids. I was thinking of so some way for us to co-habitate where there are safe spaces for DS and BW. I am not looking for a room to act out, but rather, if I do, it is not in a common area.

Now I know that is not ideal. I am working on this aspect of my addiction actively. To give you an idea, I have a sponsor, we are in contact consistently and he is notified when I act out, there is accountability software on my computer and my phone (emails to BW and sponsor regarding device usage and websites visited), I am actively working the steps, journaling, attending meetings (I'm in the middle of a 90/90), I reach out to folks in the program daily, I am seeing a regular counselor for my FOO issues and a CSAT for my SA.

I will never be in control of this addiction, I am managing it and developing tools to deal with life and its challenges in a healthier way.

you have been apart for 4 months. what was the goal when you separated? The lease is coming due and you are scurrying to find a solution. You have not been working on R or the M just yourself, which in itself is not an issue except now you are looking at moving home.
I agree with badchoice, it does sound like you are looking for an acceptable place to "act out" there is no acceptable place to "act out" and if you are even considering it. You should not be at home with your BS and DS.

IMO in house S takes a level of trust. which it sounds like you have not earned yet.

I can think of a few other solutions. maybe your BS and DC can move back in, and you can find a smaller place to rent. 1 bedroom or studio apt. in stead of them renting a larger place. Or get more work. get a second job to help afford her some of that freedom.

It almost feel like, you made a quick rash decision to get her into a new place, and have not worked on things with her, and now are making a quick rash decision to get her moved back home. And using these action as manipulation against her.

You have told us your thoughts, and your plan. But I wonder what does your BS want? what is she asking of you?

The goal when we separated was so that we didn't end up in a situation where someone would have gotten hurt. Beyond that, there was not a plan. There were talks of how we can co-habitate again, but as I mentioned, I blew that deadline for one of those talks and I accept responsibility for that.

To be clear, I am looking for a room where I can have a free for all and immerse myself in my addiction. I am fighting the compulsive, maladaptive, behavior and there are days where I succeed and there are days where I fail.

We moved to the new place together, before shit hit the fan. I never wanted to leave. Things degraded to a level where one of us would have been hurt and the possibility of our DS being removed by the authorities is NOT something either of us were willing to entertain.

If we had another choice, I don't believe this would even be a conversation right now. Getting another job sounds great in theory, but will the occupancy rate at 99% in this city and rents, even for a studio, approaching a number that some folks pay as their mortgage, a second or third job, would not necessarily get BW and DS what they need.

BW asked me for ideas on how this could work. Given the circumstances, the choices are bad and worse. The plan that I mentioned before is something I broached with her. She mentioned her main concerns as having a safe home and space for her and DS. I added that I would have a camera(s) monitoring the main areas of the house (of where ever we live) and automatically set to take pics when the motion sensor goes off and have it backed up to the cloud where she will have 100% access.


Again, to be clear, I am not acting out, not seeking help for my addiction, and just generally telling my BW to go fuck herself and put up with my bullshit. I am actively working on my addiction, but this is tough and I am not successful all of the time.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 309 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
scaredyKat
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, don't do it. Don't subject her to any triggers, any possible hint of acting out, any further trauma. You are both dealing with issues that require you to be as fully healthy as possible. If she has to think about what you may or may not be doing it will not be possible for her to focus on your son or on her healing.

My SAFWH has been doing just about everything right and yet there are still things that cause me to fall right back into that fear response, hyperventilating, mind movies, the whole works. The overwhelming TRAUMA takes years to survive. And that's with an addict in sobriety AND recovery for 153 weeks.

Figure out something else. Anything. Get sober first.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3863 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Twentyplus
♀ 39593
Member # 39593
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AOW:

I am 38 year wife & business partner of an 3 year recovering SA. Porn always. Mostly secret. LTA with financial infidelity 20+ years. Entirely secret. Plus the prostitutes, scanning, objectification, lack of intimacy, you know the drill.

I am also a recovering alcoholic who numbed for 20+ years. I have been sober 3.5 continuous years since the SA double life "hit the fan." I do a lot right, and still struggle every day.

You are doing a great deal right. But you are missing a key piece of this reality thing: There can be no safe room in your life (with or without Determinata) for the "compulsive" anything, much less masturbation. The line for zero tolerance is in front of you, and the time is now.

Wishing you well in your 90/90 & hope you break the chain.


"But we must supply our own light." - Stanley Kubrick


Posts: 68 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Big Blue Sea
Actionsoverwords
♂ 41949
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, don't do it. Don't subject her to any triggers, any possible hint of acting out, any further trauma. You are both dealing with issues that require you to be as fully healthy as possible. If she has to think about what you may or may not be doing it will not be possible for her to focus on your son or on her healing.
My SAFWH has been doing just about everything right and yet there are still things that cause me to fall right back into that fear response, hyperventilating, mind movies, the whole works. The overwhelming TRAUMA takes years to survive. And that's with an addict in sobriety AND recovery for 153 weeks.

Figure out something else. Anything. Get sober first.

Hi sK,

Thanks for the advice. I will work on my sobriety and figure something else out. Everything that you said makes a lot of sense and I think there has to be another way.

I am 38 year wife & business partner of an 3 year recovering SA. Porn always. Mostly secret. LTA with financial infidelity 20+ years. Entirely secret. Plus the prostitutes, scanning, objectification, lack of intimacy, you know the drill.

I am also a recovering alcoholic who numbed for 20+ years. I have been sober 3.5 continuous years since the SA double life "hit the fan." I do a lot right, and still struggle every day.

You are doing a great deal right. But you are missing a key piece of this reality thing: There can be no safe room in your life (with or without Determinata) for the "compulsive" anything, much less masturbation. The line for zero tolerance is in front of you, and the time is now.

Wishing you well in your 90/90 & hope you break the chain.

Twentyplus,

You are right and I needed to be reminded of reality. Thank you and I wish you the best in your recovery.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 309 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with 20+ and SK.

There should be no space for acting out. I do not think that is in agreement with any SAA program.

I am sure you have spoken to your sponsor and and CSAT about this. What do they say about this idea? More importantly, what does your BW say?


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
knutz
♀ 28877
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the wife of a sex addict who is in recovery. He has been in recovery for 4 years. It took him about 6 months to truly accept he is an addict -- fully embracing the 12-step program, IC and MC.

I am treading gently here -- I really want to help you -- suppose you were an alcoholic or an addict -- would you think it acceptable to have a dedicated space in your home to drink or drug? Of course not. The addict in you is leading the way.

If you want any chance of reconciliation you need to understand that the thought of you acting out in another room so close to your family will further traumatize your wife, and in turn, your child. I could barely function when my husband was acting out. Literally was emotionally absent from my children's lives. That is tough.

This is my opinion and not meant to hurt -- if I were your wife I would not live with an active addict. You need to understand that your brain literally needs rewiring. When you act out, your brain sends lots of dopamine around which fuels your addiction. It is giving you a false sense of intimacy, which sexual addiction is on many levels - - a fear of intimacy. When you act out -- the feelings or "high" you get are taking the place of your spouse. She feels rejected, undesirable, and replaced. My husband frequented massage parlors and compulsively masturbated. Believe it or not, the compulsive behavior hurt just as much (or more) than the infidelity. Ya know why? I was replaced.

Unfortunately, like any addiction, YOU are the only one that can turn this around. No one can make you stop. I pray that you can do this .

Please know that if you decide to stop acting out, life is much, much sweeter. I wish you well.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 237 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
Actionsoverwords
♂ 41949
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with 20+ and SK.
There should be no space for acting out. I do not think that is in agreement with any SAA program.

I am sure you have spoken to your sponsor and and CSAT about this. What do they say about this idea? More importantly, what does your BW say?

bc,

I have not talked to them yet, I will be calling my sponsor tomorrow and see my CSAT on Friday. But, after reflecting on a lot of the wonderful advice that I received here on SI, BW and I spoke and we agree with the consensus here. More on this in a bit.

I am the wife of a sex addict who is in recovery. He has been in recovery for 4 years. It took him about 6 months to truly accept he is an addict -- fully embracing the 12-step program, IC and MC.
I am treading gently here -- I really want to help you -- suppose you were an alcoholic or an addict -- would you think it acceptable to have a dedicated space in your home to drink or drug? Of course not. The addict in you is leading the way.

If you want any chance of reconciliation you need to understand that the thought of you acting out in another room so close to your family will further traumatize your wife, and in turn, your child. I could barely function when my husband was acting out. Literally was emotionally absent from my children's lives. That is tough.

This is my opinion and not meant to hurt -- if I were your wife I would not live with an active addict. You need to understand that your brain literally needs rewiring. When you act out, your brain sends lots of dopamine around which fuels your addiction. It is giving you a false sense of intimacy, which sexual addiction is on many levels - - a fear of intimacy. When you act out -- the feelings or "high" you get are taking the place of your spouse. She feels rejected, undesirable, and replaced. My husband frequented massage parlors and compulsively masturbated. Believe it or not, the compulsive behavior hurt just as much (or more) than the infidelity. Ya know why? I was replaced.

Unfortunately, like any addiction, YOU are the only one that can turn this around. No one can make you stop. I pray that you can do this .

Please know that if you decide to stop acting out, life is much, much sweeter. I wish you well.

Hi knutz,

You are absolutely correct. I am an addict and working on 3 days of sobriety. It is unacceptable to have a safe haven for acting out and operating on that premise is indeed the addict talking.


So a few things. We are essentially in limbo because of my actions. BW has told me on more than one occasion than she does not love me anymore and she thinks that we are headed towards divorce. A few months ago, she disclosed that she has created a profile on a dating website just as a reminder that she still has options and noted that she wasn't planning on dating anyone anytime soon. That hurt.

For a while, I was so angry with her and that she would want to divorce even though I have not acted out any of my bottom line behaviors. Anger, suicidal thoughts, sexual thoughts / acting out occupied a lot of my mental space. Something finally clicked as I was reading about codependency and the tendency to want to appeal to the other person and control them. I was not only an addict, but an extreme codependent with poor boundaries.

The other night, I inadvertently receive text messages from my BW. I am not sure who they were addressed to, but it made reference to me and my SA and explicitly portrayed me as a piece of trash who would rape my own mother for a high. Additionally, she mentioned that there is hardly any feeling other than anger remaining. I remember feeling like a ton on bricks just hit me and was so hurt. I never confronted her, but realized that my actions had severe consequences, this being one of them.

I decided that whatever I say or do, BW has every right to react to it the way she does and I can control how I react to her reaction.

Last night, BW and I spoke about a number of things, including the plan that I had mentioned at the beginning of this thread and how it was not going to work. She asked about my thoughts, fantasies, insights, etc., and I immediately became defensive, thought that this is not going down a good road as we always have a blow out, but just as quickly I said she has a right to know and I will be honest. I answered every thing that she asked in a matter of fact way, with no anger or resentment, and with what she described later as "like you were discussing a dinner order." I explained that my usual response was defensive and I wanted to be honest with no hostility.

She was angry, and as well she should have, and the name calling and the mentions of my deviant sexual behavior began. Normally at this point, I would have lost it, entered sarcasm mode, and if we were in front of one another, I know things would have been breaking. I took a breath, apologized for my behaviors, told her that I still love her, and apologized for my selfishness. This went on for two hours, with her hanging up on me, telling me that my last girlfriend was lucky as she aborted my child, and called me back. I picked up, she asked me why I picked up, and I told her that she has every right to be angry and that I wasn't going to not pick up because she was upset. I still cared and I wanted to know if there was an emergency, I was there.

Eventually, this ends with her accusing me of not being attentive to her needs and how I fooled her for all of these years. She tells me that she is miserable everyday and it is because of me. All true things, but I didn't get angry or respond with anything other than I am sorry. I wrote her an email this morning and again apologized for last night. I saw her and DS after work today for a bit and we kept our interaction to a minimum.

I know that I am a pretty shitty husband and a human being. I am sorry for abusing my BW the way I did. There were a lot of things wrong and there is a lot of blame to shift, share, attribute, but I am too tired for that. What does it matter?

I don't know where I am going with this post, but things have been feeling pretty heavy and I needed to say the things that I just said.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 309 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
CheaterMagnet
♀ 33581
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS of a SA who has one foot in and one foot out of recovery (as it sounds like you do), if he asked me what you're asking, I'd be O.U.T. Bye, bye. No chance. End of story.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1070 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Topic Posts: 11

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