SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 21:43 PM

I am a month and a hslf out from my DDay.
I suspect my WW is with OM again, or a different OM.

We have had sex since the lid was blown off the A however, WW will only do it on a weekend morning (takes way less time), and she doesn't participate at all. Just lays there, awkwardly trying to figure out where to put her hands. This charity sex is simply to pacify me (in her mind). She thinks, as long as home life is back to normal and I'm getting SOMETHING, we can just move forward.

She doesn't know about my search for a divorce attorney.

I just started doing the 180, and haven't had sex with her, all week. This is killing me on so many levels. I don't want to have sex with her because i'll feel awful after however, she is perfect for me physically, and it's driving me insane, not having sex with her.

Before I found SI, I had considered Ashley madison and other cheating sites, as well as trying my luck at bars, to try and find a willing partner to help transition away from WW and her perfect mortal coil.

Have any of you considered or successfully found someone else while waiting for your WS to fess up, or waiting for the M to completely collapse?

I don't know if I could, but even if I could, i'd be afraid of getting caught and having it screw up custody after i eventually serve WW with DIV papers,

rachelc posted 7/12/2014 22:03 PM

now if I could, but even if I could, i'd be afraid of getting caught and having it screw up custody after i eventually serve WW with DIV papers,

Um.... What about losing your integrity? Are you in IC?

sisoon posted 7/12/2014 22:15 PM

I never considered it because of my special circumstances (symmetry limited my choices to a man or a woman who I thought was terribly unattractive, neither of which appealed to me), but I think most BSes do.

Going through with it is a very different matter.

This soon after d-day, you're probably still in shock. You're not thinking as competently as you usually do, so you're much more likely than usual to be make a mistake. More important, perhaps, since many WSes wake up when they're served, you may find yourself with a remorseful WS with whom you'd like to R. A revenge A will be a big hindrance.

Preserve your integrity. You'll be glad you did.

RidingHealingRd posted 7/12/2014 22:20 PM

Have you considered cheating on your cheater?

No, I have far more self respect than that. Never would I abandon my morals. I would leave the M before I would cheat.

soccermom9 posted 7/12/2014 22:20 PM

Deceivedguy,

I think it's normal to feel that way but acting on it would likely only lead to many more problems compounding an already horrible situation. My WH told me this week that he is worried that I will go have "revenge sex"! Lol - guess even though I am not going to, I will let him think it! But then I think I am stopping to his level and that gains nothing!

Keep your head up! If the M doesn't work then go out and find your Ms. perfect! The one who won't cheat! Believe me she will be there and likely scarred from someone breaking her ─▄█▀█▄──▄███▄─ ▐█░██████████▌ ─██▒█████████─ ──▀████████▀── ─────▀██▀───── too!

healingroad posted 7/12/2014 22:32 PM

The idea of it makes me sick. Maybe this is why my WW accuses me of black and white thinking. I wish she was more black and white sometimes.

She actually told me that she'd understand if a had my own A -- I think she thought that would take some of the guilt away or something.

[This message edited by mhca at 10:42 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/12/2014 22:36 PM

Think of it as part of the "bargaining" phase of this horrible process we all have to go through. "Maybe if I have a revenge affair it will make things better, or more equal, or give pay backs, or whatever."

Your wife wouldn't be hurt the same way you've been hurt. She would know if was simply for revenge. You would then be lowered to her level, she feels better, you feel worse and as a bonus, you get to possibly take home your very own std.

People do go without sex for periods of time, and I think this might be one of those times for you. You really have bigger fish to fry right now, which I know you know - starting with that VAR.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 10:37 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

Time Ticks On posted 7/12/2014 22:42 PM

I thought about it. I knew he would be expecting it. Then in his mind we would be even. Then I decided I respected myself more than that.

tired girl posted 7/12/2014 22:51 PM

Get your D first. Then you can maintain your integrity, she can remain the cheater. There is always time to find someone else. Do you really want to be on the same level that she is?

deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 23:10 PM

I have never cheated and never will. Not even back during high school days. I'm not considering it.
The thought crossed my mind and I just threw it out there as topic of conversation. I was just curious if anyone else had considered or did this.
AGAIN, I don't need advice regarding this, I'm incapable of doing it.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 11:11 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

norabird posted 7/13/2014 00:53 AM

Do not sink to her level.

Do not use someone to fill the hole you feel.

Build yourself up from within, on your own, the right way. It's slow, but it will pay dividends.

Ostrich80 posted 7/13/2014 03:09 AM

No I really haven't.

solus sto posted 7/13/2014 07:21 AM

It never crossed my mind. I mean, what kind of solution would that be? Why would it be all right for me to use--and potentially hurt-- another person that way? Why would I want to add another layer of fucked up?

Look. Seriously. This is not about sex. This is not about scratching an itch. You keep saying it is, but it's not. Dig deeper and ask yourself what it IS about. Then ask yourself whether you want to become another person who harms himself and others in an attempt to fix the broken. (And that's not a judgment; none of us are unbroken, on the heels of d-day.)

Chinadoll30 posted 7/13/2014 07:52 AM

I think about it. A lot. WH has even given me "permission". That sure took the wind out of my sails. OW's BH propositioned me. I said "no". It's a nice revenge fantasy, but in the end I am a woman of integrity. I will not let him rob me of that along with everything else he has taken from me.

Gemini71 posted 7/13/2014 07:59 AM

I thought about it for about 10 seconds. The OW/xBFF told me to cheat with her BH because at least then she'd know he was having sex with someone. But the whole idea is just revolting to me.

For me, sex was/is an expression of love. I can't do that with some stranger for revenge. Defeats the whole purpose. If I want meaningless physical exercise, I'll sleep with Dipshit STBXH.

lilflower1000 posted 7/13/2014 08:20 AM

I have certainly thought about it, but I don't think I could ever go through with it. As the others have said, it will not have the same effect on her as she knows it is just revenge and it brings you down to her level.

Stay the better person, if you ask any of the mad hatters here I am sure they will tell you not to do it.

I think you should continue to 180. Hang with friends, go to gym, focus on any other hobbies you have... Sex with her... Hmmm.... I'm not sure you should be doing that right now at all, especially if she might be sleeping around. If you do, I would double wrap it... ( that also might make her think about her choices).

Don't stoop to her level. Come out of this the better person.

PurpleRose posted 7/13/2014 09:16 AM

Considered it?

Well, for about 2 minutes I did. The OWs then BH was willing and wanted to "get back at them" but there was no way I could cheat. Just had no desire to stoop down to the level of pond scum, you know?

I'm so,glad I never did, either. I'm divorced from the doosh now and can still say no when asked if I ever cheated on my husband.

Don't do it. Get divorced forts, or fox your marriage, but don't be a cheater... Can't you see all the destruction that choice causes by reading here?

SpecialK posted 7/13/2014 09:32 AM

No

WarehouseGuy posted 7/13/2014 10:15 AM

No.

Two wrongs don't make a right. And you have to look at yourself in the mirror every morning.

Can you live with that? Or is it better to take the high road and keep your integrity and moral compass straight? It's your choice. Make the right decision. Just my 2 cents.

whg

kernel posted 7/13/2014 10:25 AM

No, never considered it.