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General :
Have you considered cheating on your cheater?

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 deceivedguy (original poster member #44049) posted at 3:43 AM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

I am a month and a hslf out from my DDay.

I suspect my WW is with OM again, or a different OM.

We have had sex since the lid was blown off the A however, WW will only do it on a weekend morning (takes way less time), and she doesn't participate at all. Just lays there, awkwardly trying to figure out where to put her hands. This charity sex is simply to pacify me (in her mind). She thinks, as long as home life is back to normal and I'm getting SOMETHING, we can just move forward.

She doesn't know about my search for a divorce attorney.

I just started doing the 180, and haven't had sex with her, all week. This is killing me on so many levels. I don't want to have sex with her because i'll feel awful after however, she is perfect for me physically, and it's driving me insane, not having sex with her.

Before I found SI, I had considered Ashley madison and other cheating sites, as well as trying my luck at bars, to try and find a willing partner to help transition away from WW and her perfect mortal coil.

Have any of you considered or successfully found someone else while waiting for your WS to fess up, or waiting for the M to completely collapse?

I don't know if I could, but even if I could, i'd be afraid of getting caught and having it screw up custody after i eventually serve WW with DIV papers,

Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

posts: 178   ·   registered: Jul. 9th, 2014   ·   location: Midwest
id 6870241
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rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 4:03 AM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

now if I could, but even if I could, i'd be afraid of getting caught and having it screw up custody after i eventually serve WW with DIV papers,

Um.... What about losing your integrity? Are you in IC?

posts: 7613   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6870258
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:15 AM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

I never considered it because of my special circumstances (symmetry limited my choices to a man or a woman who I thought was terribly unattractive, neither of which appealed to me), but I think most BSes do.

Going through with it is a very different matter.

This soon after d-day, you're probably still in shock. You're not thinking as competently as you usually do, so you're much more likely than usual to be make a mistake. More important, perhaps, since many WSes wake up when they're served, you may find yourself with a remorseful WS with whom you'd like to R. A revenge A will be a big hindrance.

Preserve your integrity. You'll be glad you did.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31110   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 6870268
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RidingHealingRd ( member #33867) posted at 4:20 AM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

Have you considered cheating on your cheater?

No, I have far more self respect than that. Never would I abandon my morals. I would leave the M before I would cheat.

ME: 60 BS
HIM: 67 WH
Married: 35 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 10 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

posts: 2519   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2011
id 6870271
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soccermom9 ( member #43805) posted at 4:20 AM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

Deceivedguy,

I think it's normal to feel that way but acting on it would likely only lead to many more problems compounding an already horrible situation. My WH told me this week that he is worried that I will go have "revenge sex"! Lol - guess even though I am not going to, I will let him think it! But then I think I am stopping to his level and that gains nothing!

Keep your head up! If the M doesn't work then go out and find your Ms. perfect! The one who won't cheat! Believe me she will be there and likely scarred from someone breaking her ─▄█▀█▄──▄███▄─ ▐█░██████████▌ ─██▒█████████─ ──▀████████▀── ─────▀██▀───── too!

Me: 44
WH: 43
Dday: 6-20-14
He admitted to drunken sex at massage parlor!
Attempting reconciliation

posts: 76   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2014   ·   location: Kentucky
id 6870272
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healingroad ( member #41920) posted at 4:32 AM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

The idea of it makes me sick. Maybe this is why my WW accuses me of black and white thinking. I wish she was more black and white sometimes.

She actually told me that she'd understand if a had my own A -- I think she thought that would take some of the guilt away or something.

[This message edited by mhca at 10:42 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

posts: 1579   ·   registered: Jan. 4th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 6870277
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nomistakeaboutit ( member #36857) posted at 4:36 AM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

Think of it as part of the "bargaining" phase of this horrible process we all have to go through. "Maybe if I have a revenge affair it will make things better, or more equal, or give pay backs, or whatever."

Your wife wouldn't be hurt the same way you've been hurt. She would know if was simply for revenge. You would then be lowered to her level, she feels better, you feel worse and as a bonus, you get to possibly take home your very own std.

People do go without sex for periods of time, and I think this might be one of those times for you. You really have bigger fish to fry right now, which I know you know - starting with that VAR.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 10:37 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

Me: BH 65.........Her: WW 55
DD: 15.......DS: 12. (5 and 2 on DDay)
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................

posts: 1306   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2012   ·   location: U.S.A.
id 6870282
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Time Ticks On ( member #33772) posted at 4:42 AM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

I thought about it. I knew he would be expecting it. Then in his mind we would be even. Then I decided I respected myself more than that.

FBW- 50
FWH-51
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 25 years- together 27

What doesn't kill me, scars me.

posts: 2001   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2011   ·   location: Down South
id 6870284
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tired girl ( member #28053) posted at 4:51 AM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

Get your D first. Then you can maintain your integrity, she can remain the cheater. There is always time to find someone else. Do you really want to be on the same level that she is?

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

posts: 7444   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2010   ·   location: Inside my head
id 6870288
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 deceivedguy (original poster member #44049) posted at 5:10 AM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

I have never cheated and never will. Not even back during high school days. I'm not considering it.

The thought crossed my mind and I just threw it out there as topic of conversation. I was just curious if anyone else had considered or did this.

AGAIN, I don't need advice regarding this, I'm incapable of doing it.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 11:11 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

posts: 178   ·   registered: Jul. 9th, 2014   ·   location: Midwest
id 6870301
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norabird ( member #42092) posted at 6:53 AM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

Do not sink to her level.

Do not use someone to fill the hole you feel.

Build yourself up from within, on your own, the right way. It's slow, but it will pay dividends.

Sit. Feast on your life.

posts: 4324   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2014   ·   location: NYC
id 6870379
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Ostrich80 ( member #34827) posted at 9:09 AM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

No I really haven't.

BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

posts: 5738   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2012   ·   location: midwest
id 6870408
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solus sto ( member #30989) posted at 1:21 PM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

It never crossed my mind. I mean, what kind of solution would that be? Why would it be all right for me to use--and potentially hurt-- another person that way? Why would I want to add another layer of fucked up?

Look. Seriously. This is not about sex. This is not about scratching an itch. You keep saying it is, but it's not. Dig deeper and ask yourself what it IS about. Then ask yourself whether you want to become another person who harms himself and others in an attempt to fix the broken. (And that's not a judgment; none of us are unbroken, on the heels of d-day.)

BS-me, 62; X-irrelevant; we’re D & NC. "So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tennessee Williams

posts: 15630   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2011   ·   location: midwest
id 6870471
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Chinadoll30 ( member #43131) posted at 1:52 PM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

I think about it. A lot. WH has even given me "permission". That sure took the wind out of my sails. OW's BH propositioned me. I said "no". It's a nice revenge fantasy, but in the end I am a woman of integrity. I will not let him rob me of that along with everything else he has taken from me.

"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

posts: 372   ·   registered: Apr. 16th, 2014   ·   location: Philadelphia
id 6870491
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Gemini71 ( member #40115) posted at 1:59 PM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

I thought about it for about 10 seconds. The OW/xBFF told me to cheat with her BH because at least then she'd know he was having sex with someone. But the whole idea is just revolting to me.

For me, sex was/is an expression of love. I can't do that with some stranger for revenge. Defeats the whole purpose. If I want meaningless physical exercise, I'll sleep with Dipshit STBXH.

DSs 21, 16, 12
About my Ex:
IDK
IDC
IDGAF

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

posts: 3406   ·   registered: Jul. 30th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois, USA
id 6870499
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lilflower1000 ( member #36634) posted at 2:20 PM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

I have certainly thought about it, but I don't think I could ever go through with it. As the others have said, it will not have the same effect on her as she knows it is just revenge and it brings you down to her level.

Stay the better person, if you ask any of the mad hatters here I am sure they will tell you not to do it.

I think you should continue to 180. Hang with friends, go to gym, focus on any other hobbies you have... Sex with her... Hmmm.... I'm not sure you should be doing that right now at all, especially if she might be sleeping around. If you do, I would double wrap it... ( that also might make her think about her choices).

Don't stoop to her level. Come out of this the better person.

lilflower1000
Me: 51 BS
Married 19 years
Dday1: 8/1/2012 ( followed by multiple Ddays)
D-day2( AP#2):Easter-April 12 , 2020
4kids(18,16, 13, 8) + 2 grown Step kids I love like my own

posts: 414   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2012   ·   location: Georgia
id 6870511
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PurpleRose ( member #33129) posted at 3:16 PM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

Considered it?

Well, for about 2 minutes I did. The OWs then BH was willing and wanted to "get back at them" but there was no way I could cheat. Just had no desire to stoop down to the level of pond scum, you know?

I'm so,glad I never did, either. I'm divorced from the doosh now and can still say no when asked if I ever cheated on my husband.

Don't do it. Get divorced forts, or fox your marriage, but don't be a cheater... Can't you see all the destruction that choice causes by reading here?

divorced the Dooosh 8/13
*****************************
Dance like nobody is watching,
Text and email like it will be used in court someday...

posts: 3871   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2011   ·   location: Happyville
id 6870543
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SpecialK ( member #42372) posted at 3:32 PM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

No

And miles to go......

posts: 1906   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 6870558
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WarehouseGuy ( member #6037) posted at 4:15 PM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

No.

Two wrongs don't make a right. And you have to look at yourself in the mirror every morning.

Can you live with that? Or is it better to take the high road and keep your integrity and moral compass straight? It's your choice. Make the right decision. Just my 2 cents.

whg

If you see your ex with someone else don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

posts: 7042   ·   registered: Dec. 15th, 2004   ·   location: Michigan
id 6870599
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kernel ( member #27035) posted at 4:25 PM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

No, never considered it.

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

posts: 5379   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6870610
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