I was a member of these forums in 2007. I was hoping to never have to be back here again.
After his affair we moved across country to get away from OW. He ceased contact. She became psycho and emailed, wrote, called and even sent me a Christmas gift of all the things my WS gave her. Eventually she gave up.
That was 2007. My WS and I went to counseling. The MC pointed out a major problem. My husband is an alcoholic. He said before we can work on our marriage we needed to be sober because we would drink and fight. So we quit. I haven't had a drink since the beginning of 2008. My husband supposedly was sober, but I knew he was hiding his drinking. I would find bottles and he would tell me, "That must have been hidden there before we agreed to quit." He is a big liar. When he got frustrated with our horrible reconciliation he said, "The books all say it should take 2-5 years to get over an affair!" I told him, "No it takes 2-5 years from the last lie! You're still drinking and lying to me every day. How can I feel comfortable in this relationship when I can't trust you?"
We had two little kids who are now in their early teens. I was hoping to hold things together until they were in college and then we could talk about divorce. We didn't have the best relationship but we rarely fought after I quit drinking. We had two or three blowout fights after we moved to this new town and it was about his drinking. Overall we were comfortable in the relationship and the kids were doing well in school. We showed affection to each other and had a sex life.
Five years ago he got a DWI. I hoped he would get sober because of the court ordered urine tests. He managed to stay sober for three years and things got better for us. Then his abusive father died and I started finding out things about his childhood that were horrific. He suffered physical and emotional abuse at the hands of his father. Soon after that he started drinking again, but he was trying to hide it from me.
Last month he got another DWI. I was a bit suspicious about why he was 30 miles away when he got nabbed so I went into his computer and checked his emails. He was to meet another woman. Now the emails appear to be discussing his drinking problems. This woman goes to alanon and supposedly was helping him. But he was also hiding the fact that he was meeting this woman. He told me, "I'm going to an alanon meeting in the next town over." I thought it was odd because he should be going to AA. He was going to the meetings with her.
I find an email where she asks for help with her tractor. He says he can look at it. She gives him directions to her house. This was a couple weeks before his DWI, so if he was having an affair it just started. The day he got his DWI he had went to talk to her. The emails show the 'date' was at a public place for coffee.
I'm mad because he was hiding this relationship. After the affair he should be avoiding this type of situation. After he saw her he got a bottle of booze and drank it all before driving home. He was in an accident and arrested.
The OW said there was no sex. He said there was no intimacy and the emails support that. My problem is he lied to me. I asked him what their relationship was and he said he only saw her a few times for coffee and always with work colleagues. But the emails show he was at her house. Only when I produced evidence would he admit to being at her home to fix her tractor.
Anyway, he spent a few nights in detox and now he is going to an outpatient treatment program for alcoholics. I told him to stay at his mother's house because I am upset with him. He wants to come home but he has stayed away for the last few weeks at my request. When we talk we are calm. There is no hysterical bonding going on. He wants to get into a court ordered rehab program but it is offered only in his mother's county. His lawyer told the judge I kicked him out and he now legally resides in that county (they told me they were doing this ahead of time). This is a two year program.
He asked me not to file for divorce because he would have a better chance of getting this rehab program if he was married.
He supposedly ended all contact with the woman. He had only been working with her for a few weeks on a work project and normally she is in another building across town.
So here I am. I have two boys and I don't want to disrupt their lives. My husband at this time will stay at his mother's house and continue to pay the bills for the family.
Does this sound like a situation that could maybe help him get sober and perhaps help our marriage? Two years is a long time. We still can see each other daily since we only live 30 miles from his mom's house. He legally cannot sleep overnight at any home other than his mother's house if he is accepted into the program. So he can't come home to live.
The cops do random home checks. He will be supervised and checked for booze twice a day for the first few months and then every day and then four times a week randomly.
Should I give up on him when he is at his darkest hour or should I just sit tight and take care of the boys? I told them their dad was in an alcohol treatment center. I didn't tell them about the DWIs or affairs.
Any thoughts?
[This message edited by DMS88 at 11:14 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]