SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

DMS88 posted 7/12/2014 22:44 PM

I was a member of these forums in 2007. I was hoping to never have to be back here again.

After his affair we moved across country to get away from OW. He ceased contact. She became psycho and emailed, wrote, called and even sent me a Christmas gift of all the things my WS gave her. Eventually she gave up.

That was 2007. My WS and I went to counseling. The MC pointed out a major problem. My husband is an alcoholic. He said before we can work on our marriage we needed to be sober because we would drink and fight. So we quit. I haven't had a drink since the beginning of 2008. My husband supposedly was sober, but I knew he was hiding his drinking. I would find bottles and he would tell me, "That must have been hidden there before we agreed to quit." He is a big liar. When he got frustrated with our horrible reconciliation he said, "The books all say it should take 2-5 years to get over an affair!" I told him, "No it takes 2-5 years from the last lie! You're still drinking and lying to me every day. How can I feel comfortable in this relationship when I can't trust you?"

We had two little kids who are now in their early teens. I was hoping to hold things together until they were in college and then we could talk about divorce. We didn't have the best relationship but we rarely fought after I quit drinking. We had two or three blowout fights after we moved to this new town and it was about his drinking. Overall we were comfortable in the relationship and the kids were doing well in school. We showed affection to each other and had a sex life.

Five years ago he got a DWI. I hoped he would get sober because of the court ordered urine tests. He managed to stay sober for three years and things got better for us. Then his abusive father died and I started finding out things about his childhood that were horrific. He suffered physical and emotional abuse at the hands of his father. Soon after that he started drinking again, but he was trying to hide it from me.

Last month he got another DWI. I was a bit suspicious about why he was 30 miles away when he got nabbed so I went into his computer and checked his emails. He was to meet another woman. Now the emails appear to be discussing his drinking problems. This woman goes to alanon and supposedly was helping him. But he was also hiding the fact that he was meeting this woman. He told me, "I'm going to an alanon meeting in the next town over." I thought it was odd because he should be going to AA. He was going to the meetings with her.

I find an email where she asks for help with her tractor. He says he can look at it. She gives him directions to her house. This was a couple weeks before his DWI, so if he was having an affair it just started. The day he got his DWI he had went to talk to her. The emails show the 'date' was at a public place for coffee.

I'm mad because he was hiding this relationship. After the affair he should be avoiding this type of situation. After he saw her he got a bottle of booze and drank it all before driving home. He was in an accident and arrested.

The OW said there was no sex. He said there was no intimacy and the emails support that. My problem is he lied to me. I asked him what their relationship was and he said he only saw her a few times for coffee and always with work colleagues. But the emails show he was at her house. Only when I produced evidence would he admit to being at her home to fix her tractor.

Anyway, he spent a few nights in detox and now he is going to an outpatient treatment program for alcoholics. I told him to stay at his mother's house because I am upset with him. He wants to come home but he has stayed away for the last few weeks at my request. When we talk we are calm. There is no hysterical bonding going on. He wants to get into a court ordered rehab program but it is offered only in his mother's county. His lawyer told the judge I kicked him out and he now legally resides in that county (they told me they were doing this ahead of time). This is a two year program.

He asked me not to file for divorce because he would have a better chance of getting this rehab program if he was married.

He supposedly ended all contact with the woman. He had only been working with her for a few weeks on a work project and normally she is in another building across town.

So here I am. I have two boys and I don't want to disrupt their lives. My husband at this time will stay at his mother's house and continue to pay the bills for the family.

Does this sound like a situation that could maybe help him get sober and perhaps help our marriage? Two years is a long time. We still can see each other daily since we only live 30 miles from his mom's house. He legally cannot sleep overnight at any home other than his mother's house if he is accepted into the program. So he can't come home to live.

The cops do random home checks. He will be supervised and checked for booze twice a day for the first few months and then every day and then four times a week randomly.

Should I give up on him when he is at his darkest hour or should I just sit tight and take care of the boys? I told them their dad was in an alcohol treatment center. I didn't tell them about the DWIs or affairs.

Any thoughts?

[This message edited by DMS88 at 11:14 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

MovingUpward posted 7/12/2014 23:48 PM

I'm sorry that you find yourself back again. And this case is hard to know whether you should stay or go. Maybe seeing your MC could help you sort through your questions and help you out.

DMS88 posted 7/13/2014 07:51 AM

Thanks MovingUpward. We stopped going to MC over a year ago because it was useless when he is drinking. I don't know if I want to try again. He called me at 6 am this morning asking me if I cancelled his credit card. Every time something happens he immediately thinks I did it. I told him no. Most likely his card was flagged because of unusual activity. He is buying parts for his car he wrecked online and he paid his lawyer on the credit card.

He is paranoid. I found a document in his computer where he was keeping records the evil things I have done to him. He said I found a way to keep the WiFi signal from going to his computer. It goes to everybody else's computers, but not his. I had told him to turn his computer off and back on. Which worked, but in this document he wondered why I blocked the signal in the first place. Why did I want to keep him from accessing the internet? WTH? How could I block WiFi signals?

Then he lost the key to the mailbox. He asked me if I had the key. I said no, but gave him my key that I keep with my car keys. I said I would look for his key. I didn't think anything of this exchange other than he loses things all the time. In the document he was sure I took the key in an effort to prevent him from accessing the mail.

One time he asked me if I hacked into his government work computers and deleted some files? I told him I barely know how to turn on a computer...so how would I hack into the computer system of a top secret governmental organization (he had worked for the DOD).

I am sure he is now documenting how I cut off his credit card that is in his name only.

[This message edited by DMS88 at 7:53 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]

BitterlyCynical posted 7/13/2014 10:13 AM

Can't answer your hardest question but I have a little experience with alcoholics and the program.

Is he in a medically supervised program or is this more of a probation type "go to meetings and we'll test you" situation? I think there's a possibility this paranoia is hinting at another substance being involved. Family paranoia is a classic speed symptom. I can't say that for certain of course.

If you have any inclination to reconcile with him then you should find an alanon meeting (well away from OW) for yourself to help you learn cope with his addiction.

Alcoholics lie. Addicts working a good recovery learn to be strenuously honest. He can never be honest with you while alcohol or other substances are in his life.

[This message edited by BitterlyCynical at 10:14 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]

DMS88 posted 7/13/2014 10:51 AM

Right now he is in a medically run program. It is an outpatient program through the hospital. This is separate from the court ordered two year monitor program. The program he wants to get into is very strict, but it keeps him out of jail. If he fails to complete the program the full penalty of the law comes down on him which includes a lot of jail time. He has to have professional counseling, AA, drug testing, random home checks, a device on the car that makes him give a breath test before he can start the car, and other restrictions.

I think he drinks and takes sleeping pills. I have never seen any illegal drugs. I don't know if 30 years of alcohol abuse has permanently screwed up his brain. I do know he is a pathological liar. I don't believe much of what he says.

Gemini71 posted 7/13/2014 15:45 PM

I have two boys and I don't want to disrupt their lives.

You need to protect yourself and protect your kids from your WH. I have FOO issues with alcohol because my Dad grew up with an alcoholic father. Of eleven kids, 8 were alcoholics themselves (not my Dad thank GOD). I realize that I have a very skewed opinion on addicts, so take it with a grain of salt.

"Addicts fall off the wagon, so it isn't an excuse, it's a guarantee that it will happen again." -Gemini71

DMS88 posted 7/13/2014 18:24 PM

Right now he is living at his mother's house. Since January 2008 I have forbidden alcohol in the house so the children never see him drink. Usually when he drinks he has hidden a bottle and would chug it and then say he needs a nap. So the kids had limited contact with him. I drove the kids everywhere and was their primary caretaker. When he went to detox it was three days before the kids realized he was not in the house. So we did not have a screaming drunk in the house. He was simply sleeping most of the time.

There is a chance of R if his relationship with this woman was an alanon related friendship. I am still upset that he hid the relationship, but all emails I found suggested a friendship.

I asked him why he felt the need to talk to her. He replied that he can talk to just about everybody but me. I told him, "Perhaps that is because I'm the person you hurt the worst." He thought about it and admitted I might be right.

wonderingbull posted 7/13/2014 18:28 PM

Let go or get dragged comes to mind here....

Lordy woman... You've been dealing with this shit for years...

Just my thought...

WB

phmh posted 7/13/2014 18:44 PM

I can't see any reason why you'd want to stay with such a man.

And, as gently as possible, what are you teaching your kids about relationships? Is this the model you want them to emulate?

It stops when you say it does.

DMS88 posted 7/13/2014 19:02 PM

I have consulted a lawyer. I told her he is expecting to be hired full time at his job. This will triple his income. She suggested if he is gone and paying the bills that I wait to see what happens with his job. She thought we would be in a better situation when asking for child support.

Another problem is I would lose my health care insurance. I have been very sick and would have racked up hundreds of thousands of dollars of medical expenses without the insurance. I guess the Affordable Care Act may make it possible to get new insurance.

I guess the reason I am hesitant to leave is we would have to sell the house and uproot the kids. I guess I am just scared of the unknown.

He is separated from us because of his rehab program. It is a two year program. I don't know if I should wait and calm down before making a life changing decision.

[This message edited by DMS88 at 7:05 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]

Pentup posted 7/13/2014 21:10 PM

I remember you from when you were here before. If I remember correctly, your h had an accident and you had many altercations back then.

You do not have to decide anything today. But you should get yourself into IC if you are not already. And for your kids.

DMS88 posted 7/13/2014 22:07 PM

Yeah his first DUI was when he flipped over his truck. He had surgery. I thought he hit bottom and maybe things would get better when he was sober. And things did get better.

Then his dad died and at the wake there was a ton of booze (Irish wake). He didn't drink while I was there, but I brought the kids home and he stayed and drank. Then he started hiding it and things got tense between us. In November we had a blow out fight about his drinking and I moved into the guestroom. After a few months he begged me to come back that he missed me and he wanted to make things work. He started going to AA and he got a job he liked, but he couldn't control his drinking. It was getting worse and worse. I think the women he was working with noticed and started asking him about it and encouraged him to go to AA and alanon so he could understand what I was going through better.

Okay, that was all fine and good, but then she asked for help at her house and she should know better than to do that.

I don't know what happened between the two. The emails I found were not of a sexual nature. It was more like two friends talking and him discussing his drinking problem. But when I asked him about her he immediately went into lying mode. That was too much for me. I told him to stay with his mother.

I would find it highly ironic if him seeing an alanon member trying to help him quit drinking was the reason I leave him.

I have time. The lawyer I talked to said it didn't matter who filed first in our state.

Does anybody know if being classified as a habitual offender will mean he loses the chance of joint custody? I would like the children to be with me. I don't trust him to drive them places even with an ignition interlock system.

I am going to wait until his sentencing. I need to calm down and think. I am just afraid that I will totally wuss out and take him back knowing he will drink again...but how does anybody know if a two year drug treatment program will actually work. I could get my sober husband back and we could R. We need MC again and I need IC.

I have the shakes lately. I am still taking my medications normally but my hands and arms tremble. I think I am having an anxiety attack. And how much blood in the toilet is too much?

Don't worry, I am getting an appointment tomorrow. I have digestive problems and I'm being treated for various afflictions. I think the stress got something bleeding. This happened on D-Day. It is the stress.

I am so tired. I know I should go, but I have known him for thirty years! It is so hard to let go.

Sad in AZ posted 7/14/2014 07:34 AM

I'm sorry you're so sick. I'm sure this is messing with your head, because you are not thinking straight.

You are hugely downplaying your WH's dysfunction. You don't even realize that your kids' lives have ALREADY been disrupted by your WH's behavior. Do you really think they don't know? They know something is wrong, and as the child of a 'happy' drunk, I'll bet you dollars to donuts they know he's a drunk.

Once you are feeling better, you need to get yourself to Alanon. Hopefully this will help you get your head out of the sand. You need to realize you can't help him, you can't control anything that he does and you can't love him back into health. You need to detach.

Please come back to reality. Your kids need you.

DMS88 posted 8/20/2014 19:38 PM

Thanks everybody for your support. I have an update. He is still at his mother's house. He had to change his address to hers and live there to be eligible for a sobriety program that will allow him to avoid jail time. He was allowed into the program today. He is still going to an extensive outpatient rehab program and he is starting to act like a normal human. The therapist said it usually takes two years of sobriety before an alcoholic gets their head on straight. So that means he may believe the delusions he had when he was drunk (like how he believes I can control the WiFi signal to not go to his computer but allow it to go to everybody else's).

He is on 24 month probation with breathalyzers in the morning and evening, weekly random drug testing, home checks, daily AA meetings and other stuff. He cannot overnight in any home other than his mother's and he cannot leave the area without permission from the court. We are still not sure what that means. If it means he cannot leave the county than he cannot come home for two years. If he can visit he still cannot overnight in his home.

He is paying for everything and says he wants to repair the relationship. We'll see how things go.

I've never really known him in recovery. He always drank. He is much nicer sober. I got a couple years to think this over. I told the boys the situation and they are okay with him living at his mother's house. They said they want him to get better. So I did tell the boys their father was an alcoholic and is in a two year treatment program.

[This message edited by DMS88 at 7:38 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 8/20/2014 20:15 PM

Alanon suggests you work the program for 6 months before making any decisions. That way, it is a decision,, not a reaction. The wreck is probably going to save your husbands life,, at least it might.

So, my suggestion is to do Alanon phone meetings if you don't want to go to meetings yet. You can find the phone #'s online and you can even get a sponsor over the phone that you can call and talk to who will help you with making progress when dealing with an alcoholic. Because, that's what alanon is for, helping those whose lives have been affected by alcoholism.

If you can, for yourself and you family, work the alanon program for 6 months. I think at that time, you'll have a good idea of what is best for you and your children. And the awesome thing about alanon is they back you up whatever YOU decide!!!

You'll be able to think clearly and see how your WS is/is not sincere and doing the work of sobriety.

Also, do they have family meetings where he is now? If so, go! I told my WS he could not come back to our house til he had at least 6 months of help, so I think your marriage can survive -- in fact I think you HAVE to have him working on himself and you on yourself IF it's going to work,, and you deserve it all ! Great family, great marriage -- accept no less.

I have learned so much in alanon and going to AA meetings every now and then--- especially speaker meetings. One thing I learned is that a person drinks because their thinking is distorted. Your H going to this woman's house is a part of the distorted thinking.

DMS88 posted 8/20/2014 20:51 PM

I have been going to the family meetings at his current outpatient treatment program. It was enlightening. He seems very sincere...the first time in the last eight years that I actually think he is sincere. But I did notice that he hung on to his messed up memories. I was discussing how he bought a breathalyzer so he could prove to me he was sober. Well, I found in the trash the bubble envelope that the Breathalyzer came in and the mailing invoice inside the envelope. So I knew he got it. A week or so later I thought he was drunk so I called him on it. He said I was crazy. I then said, "If I was crazy you would whip out that breathalyzer so fast it would make my head spin. So lets get it and see who is right." He said, "I never got the breathalyzer." I then pulled out the package that I saved and the invoice. He then said, "I got the envelope but nothing was in it, but the invoice." Which is the biggest load of bullcrap. Later I found the breathalyzer in the back of a drawer. When I called him on that he said..."They sent me a new one."

I brought this up at the meeting and he responded. "The invoice you had was from my computer. They didn't send me anything and I had to write them to make sure they sent it." He denied that they ever sent him an empty packing envelope. So the story has changed and he is adamant that his version is true. So I know he is still believes his drunken memories.

I can understand how this is possible. One time decades ago I got a bit tipsy and fell and hurt myself. I didn't want my family to know I was drunk so I told them another story. A decade later I mentioned the accident but I remembered my made-up story. When my husband called me on it I had to really think and realized I was remembering the false story. I had thought about only the false story for so long it became the real story to me. Memories are very changeable.

The therapist told me that it may take two years before he starts to remember things correctly...if that ever does happen. But the fact that he still remembers his fake story as true and says I am wrong (the only person in the story that is sober) is a little disheartening. It tells me no matter how determined he is to get sober his thinking may be permanently screwed up. I am going to look at Alanon meetings near my kids' school and start going when school starts which is soon.

Thanks for your input!

[This message edited by DMS88 at 8:54 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

DMS88 posted 8/22/2014 10:39 AM

Now that he is out of the house things are getting weird. He calls me to chat, he makes time to see the children. I don't think he is trying to get into my good graces since I haven't threatened to do anything to him at this time...like divorce.

COULD HE ACTUALLY BE MISSING US !?!