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If I had gotten what I needed...

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ThatGuyNoMore posted 7/12/2014 23:18 PM

I think many of us waywards told ourselves, "If I had only gotten what I needed from my BS, I wouldn't have sought sex outside our marriage." It was the excuse we made to justify our affairs.

What I needed wasn't sex, it was worthiness. I didn't need to get that from other people, especially not other women. I needed to see and accept myself as worthy. The only person whose approval I needed was my wife's. But because I didn't see myself as worthy, I couldn't accept her approval as sincere. The affection and even adoration I got from my AP's was never enough. Nothing was good enough because I wasn't good enough. Through IC and self-help, I'm working on getting what I needed: self-esteem.

Ironically and painfully, it's hard to feel good about myself when I consider the damage that I've done to my wife, family, and friends.

LosferWords posted 7/12/2014 23:33 PM

The affection and even adoration I got from my AP's was never enough. Nothing was good enough because I wasn't good enough. Through IC and self-help, I'm working on getting what I needed: self-esteem.

Sounds an awful lot like me.

These are some good realizations. Keep digging. Keep plugging along. Keep doing the work. Onward and upward.

Matilda23 posted 7/12/2014 23:37 PM

But because I didn't see myself as worthy, I couldn't accept her approval as sincere. The affection and even adoration I got from my AP's was never enough. Nothing was good enough because I wasn't good enough.
I felt the same way, because I never believed in myself. I was finding ways to feel accepted, but I was never accepted, because it never came from within. I am still fighting my worthiness.

Best of luck.

badchoice posted 7/12/2014 23:45 PM

Through IC and self-help, I'm working on getting what I needed: self-esteem.

Yep, I can relate.

I also projected all of my issues onto my BW.

I didn't trust her, because i was so untrustworthy. How could anyone be honest.

BrokenButTrying posted 7/13/2014 02:23 AM

I really relate to this, it sounds exactly like me.

Ironically and painfully, it's hard to feel good about myself when I consider the damage that I've done to my wife, family, and friends.

I understand this especially. The more I work on myself, the more I demonstrate change, the easier it is to feel good about the person I am becoming.

Keep going, TGNM. You're doing well.

DrJekyll posted 7/13/2014 06:10 AM

this hits home for me too.

it is a hard place trying to learn to trust, love, believe in, and have worth in myself after all of the damage I caused. Sometimes it feel like "I am pretty screwed up, so why don't I throw myself in a meat grinder to make all of this worse."

a thought I had was that my BS could have only loved my for my money. of course this was ridiculous. She married me long before I had any. And I seriously do not make that much. Enough, but not a lot of excess. But I have come to terms with, that was the only thing that I saw as valuable. And of course at the time, she did not have all of the facts. So she was immediately discounted.

i have always had self-esteem issues. which is funny. because I am somewhat successful and attractive man. But due to my FOO, I have never been smart enough, good looking enough, successful enough. I have always been in competition with my brother. He was my NPD mother's favorite. I was insignificant. So I totally get the need of worthiness. I have spent my whole life trying to earn her love. A love that I can never receive. She is incapable of it. I have finally accepted that she will never love me truly. Not in a healthy way. I will always be no more than an object to her.

Sorry for the long post, not hoping to T/J this just hit so home for me. I think this resonates with a lot of waywards.

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/13/2014 10:58 AM

i have always had self-esteem issues. which is funny. because I am somewhat successful and attractive man.

ICR. It honestly shocked me, to realize (toward the end of A2) that I had low self-esteem. Me! I'd always carried and portrayed myself as self-confident, but I'd been faking it. Even to myself.

Which proves that self-esteem comes from within. Conventional physical beauty, wealth, career achievements...none of that really matters.

LostTime posted 7/13/2014 11:46 AM

I can't honestly say I ever blamed my BS for not giving me what I needed, but everything else is so fitting.

It wasn't about sex or wanting OW. It was worthiness. I never felt good enough or worthy of true lasting love so despite the total giving and giving from my BS (to the detriment of her self worth) I didn't trust it and projected my lack of self worth onto her.

I just didn't realize how deep this lack of worthiness ran and how negatively I put my issues onto my BS.

Thank you for this post and good luck on your journey to find your worthiness.

Merida posted 7/13/2014 23:02 PM

thank you for posting this nugget - hits the nail on the head, as they say

As the BS this is what I am finding is hard to handle - my words/actions of affirmation, love, whatever you want to call it, are discounted - because of that kind of perceptional framework.

Not saying I am not working to change how I communicate to avoid the assumptions, judgments, criticisms etc. but it's still hard for me to accept that my gifts may be rejected in that sense.

My husband was brave enough to share with me that he felt insecure when asked to write about what he loves most about me, and then what he feels about what he just wrote... insecure

he didn't feel happy, nor honored, not lucky, not content warm-fuzziness

he felt insecure

when I asked him to clarify his feelings he likened it to a being a guitar player who is playing this local bar when his idol walks in and hears him playing and so he feels all self-conscious and doesn't know what to do in that guitar player's presence... he doesn't feel worthy

man, I never realized my best friend could still feel so emotionally empty even when I was saying and doing everything to show him how much I loved him... I feel so lost as to what to do

since I know really I can't do anything other than empathize with that kind of pain... and I wanna go bop his mom and dad for shaping that messed-up mentality

ugh

hopeful at this point we are at a bottom and only able to be climbing

but yah, thanks for sharing and I am definitely in agreement we deal with that issue as well

familyfirst posted 7/14/2014 09:34 AM

I completely agree that

What I needed wasn't sex

is common for all of us.

Wayflost posted 7/14/2014 12:04 PM

The only person whose approval I needed was my wife's. But because I didn't see myself as worthy, I couldn't accept her approval as sincere. The affection and even adoration I got from my AP's was never enough. Nothing was good enough because I wasn't good enough.

Ouch. ICR, this is exactly what I struggle with as well. I never felt worthy, so I went out and made myself unworthy of my BH's love and respect. He sometimes will tell me that he doesn't need me. He's right. Sadly, for me, I desperately feel like I need him. I'm getting stronger, and as I get stronger I still want him.

Thank you for sharing.

redsox13 posted 7/14/2014 12:08 PM

I think every BS wants to hear this:

I'm getting stronger, and as I get stronger I still want him.

alwaysrunning posted 7/14/2014 12:33 PM

I'm getting stronger, and as I get stronger I still want him.

Yes!! Everything I want to say about my journey so far in such a simple sentence.

I used my BH's emotional abandonment during a loved ones traumatizing death to justify my A. It was so hard for me to let go of the thought "Well, if YOU would have been there for me while X was happening, I wouldn't have had an A". An affair is not a normal reaction. Leaving that justification behind and owning my actions was very hard for me. But I am better for it and I love my BH now more than I ever have.

NewWorldMan posted 7/14/2014 18:12 PM

This hits home with me as well.

For me, it was never about the sex. In fact, the sex between my ex and I was great. I couldn't have asked for better.

I always had self-esteem problems. Still do. But I am getting better with it. I have found that cheating, lying and everything else associated with "wayward behavior" just leads to more guilt and embarrassment...and doesn't help improve self-esteem at all.

RegretsTillIDie posted 7/14/2014 21:47 PM

Thanks for your post that continues to make me think deeply about who I am and what has been driving me. Insecurity, mother-issues, low self worth, trying to be someone I imagined I wanted to be all are parts of the puzzle that Im still working to piece together. And can guess who has been my biggest help, supporter, critic and overall personality? You guessed it, the woman I betrayed. Without her incredible self sacrifice and desire to keep our family together I would have swept all of this under the rug and it would have festered and grown and repeated itself once more. I owe my life and my sanity to the most adorable, beautiful, understanding, passionate woman in the world and I intend to keep working at myself and our R until I take my last breath. I only wish I had embraced this and lived it out before I made the choices that have caused so much pain. And I wish you growth as you continue to see life with new eyes. Thanks

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