The biggest one for me (besides D-Days) was after most of the truth had come out and I was trying to process it and make sense of what had happened to us.
At this point my WW told me she'd rather end our M than reveal the name of her GF who told her about how to use Ashley Madison to find APs. I felt all the remaining love I had for her drain out of my body. Even though she later told me the name it still stands out as something the cut me off at the knees when I could barely stand up in the first place.
A close second, and one that ultimately is probably more important, is when she objected to my ideas for reconciliation because I wanted her to examine and share "attitudes and beliefs that led to the A." She said there weren't any. Not exactly a way to build my confidence when I'm an emotional wreck.
Honorable mention: when she proposed that maybe we should have an open marriage (this was during false R).
She canceled it so she could go hang out with OM and his family.
When I heard the message she left me, I absolutely could.not.think. I have never been that way before or since. I kind of thought people made that sort of thing up until it happened to me. I absolutely could not think. I just sat in my living room and kept thinking "no. no. no."
This feeling was the worst feeling in my life and I hope to never feel that way again.
I think that was the day I signed up for SI. Can't be sure.
Went back and checked the calendar. I remember this was on a Wednesday. I signed up for SI three days later.
[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 12:29 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]
At this point my WW told me she'd rather end our M than reveal the name of her GF who told her about how to use Ashley Madison to find APs.
i agree this is horrible.
has her tune changed? does she realize how horrible this is?
if not, have you filed for Divorce?
from my experience, when you let your WW know that you can barely stand the sight of her, the tables turn.
mike7: i agree this is horrible...has her tune changed? does she realize how horrible this is?
if not, have you filed for Divorce?
I guess over the last few days I've lost both my sense of urgency and willingness to do much work on this. I'm too tired I guess and it hasn't accomplished much.
[This message edited by mhca at 12:41 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]
saturnpatrick: This feeling was the worst feeling in my life and I hope to never feel that way again.
norabird: I think it's great that you are losing your energy to work on this, in all honesty.
[This message edited by mhca at 1:38 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]
Amazing how bad it is, isn't it? By far the worst.
Yep. Nothing else in life has hurt like DD. Nothing else in life kept me debilitated for weeks like DD.
But the "turning point" was not a "DD". Actually, she just bitched about my last night's sexual performance. This was really not extraordinary, but....
Something inside me "snapped" - and in what seemed like a millisecond, I lost everything. All desire to R, all desire to have sex, all desire to share any of my life with her at all.
tfkeel: Something inside me "snapped" - and in what seemed like a millisecond, I lost everything.
When they make mistakes like it just makes it so obvious how little they care deep down. And then the BS's love gets switched off instantly. It's a weird feeling.
If you slack off now and pretend everything is fine , she will take advantage of you again. I told you before , she has had great success getting laid online and the more practice you get, and she had plenty, the better you get at it . She will be more careful next time. There is nothing here to suggest there will not be a next time. And she will probably get more coaching from her buddy who prepped her in the first place that she valuedore than yiu
If you slack off now and pretend everything is fine , she will take advantage of you again. I told you before , she has had great success getting laid online and the more practice you get, and she had plenty, the better you get at it . She will be more careful next time. There is nothing here to suggest there will not be a next time. And she will probably get more coaching from her buddy who prepped her in the first place that she valuedore than you.
My advice is be tired of it and back off at your own risk
Our memories are mainly positive. I hated the fact that, when I felt the worst, good memories from decades ago would pop into my mind. The damned memories were 45 years old, long, long before my W cheated but they damped down my anger and/or picked me up when I was sad. I chose R.
I wonder if the memories predicted how others handled the infidelity they have to deal with.
I felt empowered. I realized i had nothing left to lose. I showed her where the door was and let her know that she could use it anytime. If she stayed it was completely on my terms.
[This message edited by kernel at 12:23 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]
I've been reading your posts, and I know we need to talk. I had thought we both felt a bit more connected after our trip. Last week, but I guess I was wrong.
My tune has changed. I do believe I recognize a great amount of the damage that has been done, but I am sure I have more progress to make. I am and have been invested in fixing it. I own it. It was my bad choices, and I am working on fixing myself, too. I love you and want to try to make things better.
I have been trying to follow the reconciliation plan we both had input into, even though we are not in R. I did not object to your ideas on R, just the wording on one item and wanted to add more broader ideas into it. I realize I have some big areas for personal growth and I am trying to address them.
I have been reading books, web sites, SI, following your posts, going to MC and IC, looking up info on other therapists and therapy styles as you have voiced displeasure with our MC and my IC, reading with you, answering any questions you have, and talking honestly with you about our issues. I have been wiling to tell you everything and have tried to check in with you while gone this week.
I have been electronically and financially transparent. I have tried to be there for you for your healing and hope I have been. I understand that I was not last Tuesday day or night with my aunt's death. I am trying to be empathetic and authentic. I believe we have been more active sexually with sexually, although it is harder for me when we start from an upset or sad place. I have been making efforts to know you, really know you, and to create a safe place for you.
I am only responding on SI tonight as I have been following your recent posts and want you to know that I do care and am listening. While the is the first time I am posting, I have been learning.
One of the topics we talked about was transparency about the A. I have dates and names and milestone type information, but very little feel for the relationship she had with the main OM. Specifics of conversations, for example. She said "wouldn't it be a trigger for you if I went into that detail?" My head exploded a bit because, while that might be true, I feel like I've said over and over again I need more understanding of what the relationship was really about. And that trumps triggers. Reminded me of Joseph's Letter:
I feel like Joseph, being asked to acknowledge her assurances but still feeling in the dark in so much.
We're both upset, separate beds. But the hotel is nice.
In keeping with the theme of this thread, I'll mention that her posting here could be looked at as a turning point, and a positive one IMHO.
She said that this would probably be the only time she posts. That she doesn't get much out of interacting on forums like this. I hope not. I think it would help. But we'll see.
[This message edited by mhca at 3:25 AM, July 14th (Monday)]
For me it was a trip at high altitude full of sleep deprivation. But, when I did sleep, it was sound because she was there with me, 100% with no cell phone access. THAT was a comfort!
I so wish my wife could come here to see SI, but she is not ready yet. Perhaps over time she can appreciate it. MC has helped a lot.
Please hang in there!! You guys can do it!
notperfect5: I so wish my wife could come here to see SI, but she is not ready yet. Perhaps over time she can appreciate it. MC has helped a lot.
For us I don't think MC has helped much but we're looking for another one.