Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

A Student at Life

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Matilda23 posted 7/13/2014 00:08 AM

I will always be and continue to be a student at life. However, I need a teacher right now, I need some guidance. I am stuck, I thought I was heading in the right direction by working on myself, only to learn I have hit a brick wall and have not gotten anywhere as I am still thinking like a wayward. I am not safe for me or for my BBF. I will continue to do things I am not proud of and will never be proud of. I cant live an honest life, if I continue this way.

My plan originally was go to IC once a week. Talk to her and right now work on my coping skills and be able to handle news or my emotions. So far that has been great and we work on the day to day. I really like her and she has been great, but BBF and I discussed she may not be the right person to talk to about infidelity. Also, I go to CoDA meetings once a week and I try to do it twice a week. I do SI to see if I can learn new things. But this plan has not worked.

So here is my new plan, and I would like some input to see if you would handle it differently.

1. I will continue to see an IC once a week, but I may have to look for a new one. If my budget/finances can afford it find one on the weekend that I can see so I can see my current one and an infidelity IC.

2. I will continue CoDA, and learn to make me happy. I can make me happy.

3. Read a book on self healing, infidelity, or something that will help me be safe and learn and dig into my why's. I want to finish a book at least once a month and two if I could.

4. I will also, work on a topic of self healing one at a time and not jump from one thing to another. If I am working on abandonment issues, only to work on that. But not work on that on top of many of my brokenness. Just one at a time.

5. Find things that will make me happy. Do things I enjoy. Like a walk at a park, or sports.

Am I missing anything else? I know this is a long road ahead of me, but my first plan was crap and did not work. So I would like input and see if you feel like I have set a plan that would help me heal.

She-Ra posted 7/13/2014 01:45 AM

Hi Matilda

It sounds like you are on a very good path and working really hard. Honestly I don't think there is much else left besides finding time to enjoy being you. I found getting more in tune with my girlfriends helped fill my bucket. Even if it's just a phone call or a coffee. While I was spiralling leading up to and during my As, I isolated myself. It helped change my patterns by opening up more and having some fun with the girls more than I had been.

Also you will find that everything gets easier with time. It becomes to feel more natural and the work you are doing right now, will pay off. You will notice it even 3-6 months from now and can look back with amazement.

Think right now... Where were you 2 months ago? 4-5? Exactly my point. Give yourself a pat on the back and learn to validate you. No one else is going to be able to do that for you. Start working at being proud of your accomplishments. Even if it was a horrible reason on why you had to start the work in the first place.

You are still very young and I wish I did half the work you did 10 years ago. I know it all sucks really bad right now but I promise you it will get better. The rest of your 20s you will be able to reap the rewards of your hard work.. Your 30s will be amazing because of this hard work. Try to give yourself some credit. I know you stumble we all do. You're human it will happen.

Time will help. Just keep going. You're doing great

SlowUptake posted 7/13/2014 04:19 AM

Hi Matilda, cut yourself some slack.

You've been at this for six months or so trying to change unhealthy behaviours and coping mechanisms that took you years to develope.

Your on the right path, just have some patience, it's not a linear progression.

Sometimes we don't feel as though we're making any progress at all and other times we make giant leaps in one go when an 'aha' moment hits.

It's been wisely said here before "this is a marathon, not a sprint".

DrJekyll posted 7/13/2014 06:52 AM

when I get discouraged, I look back. where was I a year ago, before dday. where was I 6 mnths ago a little after dday. and where am i today. My IC told me at one point "I am proud of you, but I will hold onto that for you. Until you can take that for yourself. And be proud of yourself." Think about the wisdom in that. As a wayward all I can see is my flaws and the destruction that I have caused. But my IC can see the progress.

my MC/IC specializes in infidelity, substance abuse, and personality disorders. I would recommend doing a bit more research on your IC. you may need different ICs to address different issues in your life.

the things I would add. time for reflection, introspection, and meditation. Time for you to think, and time for you to not think.

I look at healing like I did when losing weight. I have always struggled with weight fluctuating up and down 100lbs. But on the way to dropping the weight. You body plateaus. And you have to change something. And then your body gets used to that change and plateaus again. So every time your healing plateaus make a change so that you are uncomfortable again. A big part of my healing process is not becoming comfortable. While I build new coping methods and new thought processes. This helps me from slipping back. Of course I slip, but I have been learning to address my slip. Emotion, reaction or whatever. Which again makes me uncomfortable.

Keep working, keep changing.

tired girl posted 7/13/2014 09:45 AM

First off, you need to be patient. I have been at this for four years and am still working on myself. I have made huge changes and know that I am strong and trustworthy, but there are still things I am changing. This is not something you will fix overnight. It took your whole life to create these coping skills and thought patterns. You will not change them in a matter of months. Get ok with that now.

Focus on one part of your healing and work it. Abandonment would be a good place to start for you. Google books on it, amazon has great e books and if you buys stuff through SI then SI gets part of it. Reading was something that helped me tremendously in my healing. Then I would come here and talk about something that I couldn't work through on my own. My therapists would help me put other things together. It is a long journey. Get comfortable.

FixYou71 posted 7/14/2014 00:36 AM

I have shared this quote from Obliquestrat a few times. Thought it was a good answer to someones post about looking for a new therapist. ..

When I started, I went to someone from the "Find a Local Counselor" section. They were very kind and understanding, but I didn't feel like they were anything like an infidelity sharpshooter - and that's what I wanted.

I found a winner by "phone screening" a dozen or so local/insurance-covered ones with some questions including:

- what % of your practice is individual versus couples?
- how much experience and training do you have with infidelity?
- what books THAT YOU'VE PERSONALLY READ align with your infidelity philosophy?
- how do you feel about a BS' need to know on details?
- do you agree that the BS and WS share the marriage, while the WS owns the A?

the most revealing, by far, was the book thing. Some couldn't even name infidelity-specific books. I think the part that tied them in knots was the bit about them reading it - I think many take the, "I recommend this one to my clients and they seem to like it..." type of line, without actually studying (or even reading) the material themselves. Or maybe they read something 10 years ago, and basically forgot about it.

Our counselor lit up when asked the question, immediately naming Not Just Friends, How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, and After The Affair. And on our first visit to their office, they had copies of those and many more on their desk, filled with color-coded bookmarks.

familyfirst posted 7/14/2014 09:01 AM

The work you are doing in IC, becoming aware of your actions and motivations, will benefit you for the rest of your life. Give yourself credit for that!

I really respect how hard you are working on your current relationship but I have 2 cents on your "wayward thinking" problem that you can take or leave. There is a time in your life when lack committment does not make you a bad or selfish person. I think everyone should explore enough relationships so they fully understand what they want and need out of a life partner. It's possible you are still needing to explore more, which does not make you hopelessly wayward. Fighting these urges now might not be the best thing for you in the long run. Again, just my opinion.

Matilda23 posted 7/17/2014 01:22 AM

This past weekend was very stressful as I have been working hard on my timeline, writing every disgusting detail with my thoughts, feelings and how I justified why it my actions were okay. I knew it was always about me, but putting it all down on paper, it was "me, me, me". BBF was not a thought in my mind of how I could have hurt him, because I was definitely a cake eater.

I wrote out a plan that works for me. It will be like I am in school again, but I am always learning. I have done a block schedule.

Monday would be my CoDA meetings

Tuesday - Counselling and BBF mommy and I time

Wednesday - Topic/Issue

Thursday - SLAA

Friday - Read

Saturday - Reflection/meditation

Sunday - Relax

I like what I have set up as it makes sense and will help me on the path to healing. Thank you all for being supportive. I'm thankful there is a support group that I can express myself.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.