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betrayednewmommy posted 7/13/2014 01:33 AM

I'm so exhausted after today's events that I don't know where to start. I made plans to go to dinner theater with my best friend and have my 5 year old daughter at her best friend's house for the evening, which left my WH and his 8 year old son to do their thing for the night. They chose to go to our club's pool which was also hosting a tennis tournament this weekend (free food, beer and margaritas).

Since he hasn't been taking care of himself AT ALL (hard to look like the victim when your living it up), he hasn't eaten a bite in two days. He decide it would be a good idea to start downing margaritas, even though he's supposed to be in AA. This leads to him being so drunk that he passed out while sitting on the edge of the pool, going face first into the water, having to be pulled out the pool by 3 grown men, be resuscitated by the lifeguards while the paramedics arrived and taken to the hospital. All of this happened in full view of his 8 year old son! He ended up with a blood alcohol level of 0.24 and remembers absolutely nothing. My stepson unfortunately will never be able to forget it!

So instead of a much needed break from his crap, I got a ridiculous dose of it tonight. I spent a good portion of the evening on the phone with my stepson's mother, deciding what will be best for him. He is supposed to be with us for 3 more weeks, but instead will be going home tomorrow. WH is obviously in downward spiral, and my stepson doesn't need to be around him to watch it happen.

WH is sleeping it off at a friend's house tonight. My daughter doesn't even know anything happened (thankfully). I will be going to see a lawyer Monday and see if I can do some type of emergency sole custody. I don't think WH has hit rock bottom yet, but he is not going to have my daughter with him when he does! After all, he got himself committed for a suicide letter after the first D-Day!

He's definitely making my decision easier...

[This message edited by betrayednewmommy at 7:50 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]

OakStreet posted 7/13/2014 05:06 AM

Wow, betrayed -

So sorry that this is happening to you and the kids.

Don't have any specific advice, but hang in there!

Let us know how things are going.

Gemini71 posted 7/13/2014 08:17 AM

Sounds like you have a plan to look out for DD. You even made sure to get DSS out of the line of fire. My hats off to you for having your priorities straight. Now you need to take care of yourself as well.

Your WH is a grown adult. You are not his caretaker. When you see the lawyer about custody, also ask about your own rights and protection. You do not need an addict who is spiraling down in your home or life. Good luck.

((betrayednewmommy))

norabird posted 7/13/2014 09:18 AM

How disgusting and sad. Do you go to Al-Anon?

Good luck with getting sole custody for now. It sounds as if you certainly have the case for it.

I am glad that you are being practical about this and not expending your energy on worrying about fixing him, but it is still not easy to have to deal with this.

Skan posted 7/13/2014 10:38 AM

Its time to get this man out of your life. You can decide if its permanent later, but he needs to be out of your and your child's life right now. What if he had gotten into a car with his son and passed out there? What if he pulls the same stunt with your DD? He is a alcoholic wreck looking for a place to crash, literally.

Thank goodness that you're going to see a lawyer on Monday. Talk to the lawyer about sole possession of your DD, only supervised visits, sole use of the house (so he can't legally come back), child support, spousal support the whole enchilada. If you haven't changed the locks on the doors, tomorrow is a good time to do so. And get that police/hospital report for your files.

(((hugs))) Thank you so much for getting your DSS out of there. That poor child. I'm betting his mother will be wanting a copy of that hospital/police report too, to limit his contact with the son until and if your WH get's his head pulled out of his ass.

Gemini71 posted 7/13/2014 15:33 PM

Just read some of your previous posts. So glad you're getting him out of your and your DD's lives.

I second norabird's suggestion for Al-Anon meetings. There is something very powerful about knowing you're not the only one to deal with this type of crap. They will be more familiar with how his alcoholism will effect custody issues in your jurisdiction, and how to talk to your DD about when "Daddy drinks" and how to keep her safe.

My STBXH is SA and I have FOO issues with Alcoholics. My personal opinion is, Run, run as fast as you can. Addicts fall off the wagon, so it isn't an excuse, it's a guarantee it'll happen again.

Keep us posted and keep to your plan. Read up on Hoovering and look out for the inevitable attempts to suck you back in.

Guinness23 posted 7/13/2014 18:32 PM

Not to be cruel and unfeeling, but if he WASN'T rescusitated after falling drunk into a pool, all your problems would be solved. He is DAMN freaking lucky the 3 men were there to save his ass!!

betrayednewmommy posted 7/13/2014 19:13 PM

I hear you Guinness. The only problem is that my stepson probably would never recover from watching his father die. It's been one of those days I can honestly say I don't know how I would have gotten through it without my friends and family. DSS's mother should be here in less than two hours to pick him up and take him home. Getting him settled will be a huge relief and one less thing to have to worry about and handle right now. My best friend is a family counselor and has helped my tremendously with how to handle this with the kids, as well as being my shoulder to cry on and bringing me a protein shake this morning knowing I would probably not be able to eat much - god bless her!

WH has now gotten a box of his things and is no longer welcome in my house. Since I had to collect his belongings after the paramedics left with him, I simply removed his house key before he got his keys back. He will be staying at a friend's house for now.

DD has asked a few questions. I've answered them as simply and honestly as I could. When she asks to see her daddy, I'll have to figure that out, but not until then.

DSS did see his father briefly today before he goes home at the strong recommendation of my counselor friend (who also supervised the visit). It helped DSS tremendously with his emotions surrounding this awful situation.

I got in touch with my manager already and will be taking the day off tomorrow to start taking care of things. Need to definitely get a lawyer. Take care of things with the bank. Other things that I should probably be writing down when I think of them...

cantgetup posted 7/14/2014 04:34 AM

Off topic curiosity question: your tag line says married for 8 years and your step son is 8 years old? I'm sure I'm overlooking something very obvious, right?

betrayednewmommy posted 7/14/2014 08:14 AM

The DSS story is whole other fiasco. He is the product of "screw buddy" my WH had before we met. WH lived in Kansas City when we met - I lived in Louisiana. He immediately moved down here and we were engaged after 3 months, married 6 months later. We didn't even find out about DSS until 4 months after we were married (isn't that nice). Trust me, I've done the math. He was conceived before we met. His mother thought someone else was the father for the first 7 months of his life. WH only found out after the other guy did a DNA test after a breakup. DSS hasn't had an easy life to say the very least. Poor kid!

[This message edited by betrayednewmommy at 12:51 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

steppingup posted 7/14/2014 11:26 AM

Here it is, cold and hard. You are 35 years young, your next husband will love you and cheris you for at least 40 years.

That is a lot of making up for you.

My thoughts for you are simple, you owe it to your children (if you love them, and I know you do) to move forward without him.

Gods best, Step.

betrayednewmommy posted 7/14/2014 17:39 PM

Met with my lawyer today. He says it would be a slam dunk for temporary sole custody IF I want to do that. He feels sure WH would sign anything I wanted him to in order to keep what happened Saturday out of public record. I opened a new checking account for myself and emptied our savings on the advice of my attorney and am also gathering records for him. I got a cable to attach to the phone to record phone conversations. My attorney says the main thing I have to decide is how much of a fight he will put up so we know if we can just do a petition or will need to go to the judge. Also what kind of visitation I think will be appropriate for him - obviously supervised at first - and what conditions he would have to meet to even get to that point. Steps in the right direction!

cantgetup posted 7/14/2014 20:04 PM

On your DSS--wasn't adding to your pain. It played into advice I was going to give, which now seems appropriate and in line with the others. It sounds like given the situation with your SS you are doing an amazing job with him and dealing with the mother. On the other hand your H--i think it confirms he's just not H material. Add to that the drinking and other issues, you have a lot of understandable reasons to walk. You tried. Gave him the benefit if the doubt--he just seems too far gone. Don't let him drag you and your other child down with him. I mean with a role model like him, I hate to say it, but your child is better off without that permanent influence in her life. Best you can hope for is that he'll straighten up and come back into your child's life someday. Take good care.

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/14/2014 20:15 PM

I wish you strength. Take it from me. It's so much better than after 30 years and a life time. You sound like a good and caring woman. You can see on this site that there really are good guys out there.