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alleyk posted 7/13/2014 02:09 AM

We've been separated 2 months. Recently we have been talking and I brought up trying to move back to our old town together. He seemed happy about the idea. (He is there living with his mother) He went and saw two places I found online, met with the owners, but they both decided to rent out to other people.

Yesterday I told him I found another place I thought would be a good rental for us. He saw the listing and agreed, said he would drive by that night after he went to a show. He never did, stayed out drinking till 4am again instead.

Today he called and I missed it because I was in the mountains and out of range. I called him back and he didn't answer. Decided to only text me hours later that he missed my call and was hanging out with friends. I felt pissed because here I am, trying to make things work, trying to make an effort to save our marriage, telling him I will quit my job and move back in with him, and he can't bother calling me back, only a text hours later? Is that crazy of me to be upset?

I called and was upset, acted sarcastic with him, like he didn't have one second to make a freakin phone call. He immediately gets defensive now, saying he doesn't need this shit, I'm giving him shit all because he didn't have a chance to drive by a place. He's making me feel like I'm a lunatic, mean to him, unnecessarily demanding. Like I don't get to have any say in what he does (we're still married!), or feel upset or hurt in anyway if his actions upset me.

He kept asking me for the open house info. I told him I gave it to him already. But that if he doesn't want to explore it I can just find a place of my own. To that he said 'ok, I won't stand in your way'. It makes me feel like I am disposable. Doesn't really matter to him if it works out or not. His life will go on. He has a billion friends, lots of attention, doesn't need me. He's famous, I'm shit. I'm nothing without him.

I tell him have a nice life and hang up. But of course I call right back, numerous times until he answers again. Man I am pathetic. No wonder he has no respect for me, I have no respect for myself. No self worth anymore. I feel like my soul is being crushed, is already crushed.

[This message edited by alleyk at 2:43 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]

tfkeel posted 7/13/2014 02:54 AM

He's famous, I'm shit. I'm nothing without him.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you the lady who was contemplating quitting her job so you could establish yourself as the non-breadwinner in the family?

Looks like, to me, it's him who is nothing without you. Yes, he may have some fame, but nobody can eat fame, or put fame in the gas tank.

He is there living with his mother

Gave me a good laugh.

You need to do the "180".
Sounds like his mother needs to "180" too.

I knew a guy who bragged about being a "full-time" musician for 25 years.

However, I got quite a chuckle out of it, because
I knew the truth of how he treated his wife who had a REAL JOB as a school teacher and put a roof over their heads and soup in their pot, while he could have made more money saying "do you want fries with that"....

I also knew how she resented him for it, too.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 2:59 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]

blakesteele posted 7/13/2014 06:44 AM

(((alleyk)))

I see lots of what you are doing....while he sits back and does what he wants. Maybe he does things, maybe he says he will do them but then doesn't.

I also see him forgetting to follow through and sarcasm on both sides. Passive aggressive traits that are part of CoD cycles.

I smell a CoD and counter D relationship in motion.

That feeling of being crushed is the start of a process known as "shattering"....something that must take place in order for you to get healthy. Codependent No More is a book you MUST GET! IC also helps. I continue to struggle with my CoD pattern and my wife has strong Counter D tendencies.

Your husband must choose to get healthy.....but that is his journey.

Fact that he is famous is not the issue. He needs to seek out why he wants to be famous.....what is his motivation. My wife is all about external image.....external validation. Avid FB poster....very much hides all but the very good parts of her persona. Her business is a product of some real talent....but financially contribute very little to our family. Her business is filled with external validation....she would have trouble doing "just a job".

We all like to be appreciated to some extent, healthy people want to have a purpose....but for my wife her A very much fed her strong unhealthy desire for external validation. I see this desire at unhealthy levels in most waywards. And there is no connection to the amount of love or validation coming from their BS. Unhealthy levels are when a person seeks out validation and purpose through destructive choices.

There is a brokenness within a wayward that is so strong that their spouse and family simply are not a factor.

Counter D often under invest in relationships. They don't have to invest because the other half of their relationship is "doing" like crazy. I see you finding homes.....has he found one? When he looks at the "gift you lay at his feet" does he actively engage you? Or is he more like "thanks hon, looks nice"?

He was like this before you met.....don't you take credit for him in any way.

We have love letters from 19 years ago......it is so damn clear that the cycles that we struggle with were there from the beginning....actually, there from before our beginning.

Proof positive our respective brokenness was not a result of our M, it was what made it work until it completely.....didnt.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:54 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]

alleyk posted 7/13/2014 14:42 PM

tfkeel - yes, that's me. But I don't feel like I'm the successful one at all. I've bounced around my whole career in different jobs/industries - I only took the job I have now because we were talking about buying a home, kids, etc and needed health insurance. I don't like it, don't feel good at it, and don't know what I will do after it. On the other hand, he's always been and done one thing, and he's well known. I've watched him these past couple months kick his butt into high gear getting work, mostly to feel better about himself I think, but it comes through for him. I'd like to think he's nothing without me, that's what I used to think. That I served a huge role in taking care of him and his business and was indispensable. His affairs showed me just the opposite, I'm replaceable. And these past couple months its like he's going out of his way to prove to himself that he doesn't need me, he has tons of friends, will be just fine and will simply find someone else to take my place, give him attention and take care of him. If I had known he was this liar/cheater last year, then I would have never given up my old job or my old place! Argh! Oh well, too late now. But, in trying to move forward and figure my life out now, moving back with him would mean quitting my job. And I guess my train of thought is that, it will enable me to move back (which I want to anyway), I'll have some time to not work and soul search, establishing him as the income earner.

blakesteele - I think I am CoD. I've always been the do-er and he has always underinvested. I've been trying to turn the tables and equal out the balance. He is a broken individual, a man-child, seeking constant external validation with no regard to me or my well-being. But I am damaged too.

[This message edited by alleyk at 2:48 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]