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Ree555 posted 7/13/2014 08:39 AM

Now OW's husband is sending my husband threatening emails & asked him to call to talk about A. There has been a ton of drama involving OW & her (separated) husband, much of it seemed like attention seeking behavior, so my WS & I chose to ignore it all. But now I'm not sure how to proceed...I'm tempted to call OW's husband myself & ask for privacy. I'm afraid he's going to try to confront my husband in person. What would you do?

jtom posted 7/13/2014 09:12 AM

I feel for you and am sorry you are here. But golly gee sounds like your husbands chickens are coming home to roost. Let him deal with it. He helped create this mess. Guess it totally escaped him that the betrayed husband of his mistress would be more than a little ticked off. Maybe he has reason to be afraid of the betrayed husband, so what, again, he should have thought about that before he cheated on YOU. As a former betrayed husband I was in a similar situation when the p.o.s OM wouldn't meet with me. Tell your good husband he s on his own on this one.

norabird posted 7/13/2014 09:19 AM

You should look into filing a harassment complaint with the police and potentially getting a restraining order. Sadly these situations do sometimes turn violent so please take this seriously and protect yourself.

Didact posted 7/13/2014 09:23 AM

Be careful with this one.

My WW was confronted by OBW during a walk about a month ago. It escalated, and OBW could not control her fury and slapped WW.

Later I sent a warning to OBW that while no one understood her pain better than me, but that it was intolerable to hit my W.

Bottom line, he really isn't on his own, I think this meeting is a bad idea for both families.

[This message edited by Didact at 3:32 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]

Lostly posted 7/13/2014 09:40 AM

This is a tough situation and its difficult to know the correct way to proceed. On the one hand, I understand the BS's need for confrontation and his need to be heard, however, you don't want to send your WH and have him injured or killed.

Without knowing the contents of the e-mails or how threatening they are I would go with safety first. It doesn't sound like a good idea for your WH to meet in person. The situation could quickly escalate, especially if the BH is now separated from his WW and blames your WH for the separation. The other BS is most likely too volatile currently to see past his own anger and behave rationally. It may be too dangerous for you to reach out to him in person as well.

I also recognize the other BS's need understand how he wound up in his current situation, and it sounds as if his WW is not giving him any help in that regard. Maybe your WH could send an email? Although I'm not sure that's even a good idea. I think I would do what your currently doing and ignore it. I'm sure others will have better advice.

I would definitely save the emails incase you ever need to file a police report in the future if the situation escalated. Print them off and put them up somewhere.

somer222 posted 7/13/2014 22:32 PM

My advice would be to tell your husband to deal with the OW's husband himself. Your WS is the one who made this mess - not you. He might get yelled at - well, he deserves it, don't you think? If there is the danger of physical violence, then your husband can call the cops and bear the shame of why this is happening.

You are a victim. Let him deal with the ugly stuff while you go and do something nice for yourself. That is my advice.

10yearsafter posted 7/14/2014 15:36 PM

Your Husband had an affair with a married woman. There are consequences for doing that.

Sadly there is nothing you can really do about it until the OWH beats the crap out of your husband with a baseball bat.

Filing harassment charges wont stop him from doing what he is going to do.

If the OWH want's to talk to him then he should man up and do it.

Like the other poster said his chickens have come home to roost.

Uhtred posted 7/14/2014 16:48 PM

Being a betrayed man I say let your husband deal with the fall out. After all he did call down the thunder and there are consequences to messing with another's wife or husband. I don't blame the man for sending an email or two letting your husband know how the cow eats the cabbage. I'm not sure what the content was but I can only imagine. I sent texts after I confronted other man face to face.

It's really and truly a natural reaction to such news. We are all adults here and are responsible for our actions and how we deal with things. This type of shit can cause people to go temporarily insane. Let your husband be the one to call the cops and file a restraining order. After all it will make him look weak in the eyes of his affair partner if there is still a glimmer of hope that he'd actually fight for her which he won't since he'd be fighting for his life if it came down to it. I'd look at this situation as a benefit and so that your wayward husband gets to feel additional consequences.

I hate to sound like a sympathizer to the betrayed husband because I'm here to support you. Let him handle it. More than likely everything will simmer down.

1Faith posted 7/14/2014 16:59 PM

Can you define "threatening"?

If someone threatens someone they don't usually request a phone call to talk?

The OBS is trying to find closure just like all of us. If you WH can offer insight or more importantly an apology (I know sorry doesn't cover this but he does owe him an apology in my book as does the OW to you) and reassurance it is over that might help the OBS.

Are you in IC or MC? What does your counselor say?

Has the OW contacted your H since DDay? With regard to privacy, the OBS wasn't granted respect or privacy for his marriage so that request may fall on deaf ears, IMO.

A call might end the drama but I would not meet in person. Emotions are tricky and 3+ years later I am not sure how I would handle seeing the OW.

Sorry your dealing with this but as others have said, there are consequences to an affair and this is one of them.

Good luck.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:01 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

Salt posted 7/14/2014 17:05 PM

I also would counsel you not to cushion your husband's fall with your body. This is his consequence, and the the bmowh deserves the right to at least be able to speak his piece to your H. Perhaps they can meet at a public place, or near a police station if your H is very concerned. I think the reason you may have received threatening emails is because your H is ignoring betrayed mowh's need to have his say. Perhaps if your H gives this man his due, then each can part peaceably. Hiding from this doesn't help your H redeem himself.

peaceBmine posted 7/14/2014 18:16 PM

Both Dday and the next two days, the OBH called my husband several times...and let's just say "revenge" was his main objective. My husband wisely handed me the phone during a very heated exchange (after asking if it was OK and given that making sure I new about the details of the A as one of the OBH's main objectives.) I was very much able to calm OBH down so that we could all make logical decisions and not react in ways that were going to make recovering from this horrible event impossible. For the next couple of weeks, OBH and I were in frequent communication...both for emotional support and comparing of notes to determine if we were both getting the truth from the WSs and that NC was being abided by. Because of this "friendship" formed between us, we were able to protect our children from being shocked by this and have promised each other that if the time comes that it must be made "public", that we would respect the other and let them know first so that the children could be prepared.

Eventually, everyone was calm enough for my WH to communicate via text and calls for my WH to apologize to OBH. They since have also been in communication several times confirming that NC is still in tack and even negotiating some "logistics" to assure that contact with OW is avoided if at all possible (schedules, etc.) WH had requested a face to face meeting with OBH, but OBH did not feel he was ready, which we COMPLETELY understood, but WH wanted to sincerely communicate his regret and apologize regardless.

I also have met with OW on one occasion. My WH had actually briefly introduced us months earlier, but for the most part I didn't know her from Adam and just wanted to see her face to face and have our first post DDay meeting be planned, and NOT a "run into her" at some point. I had no desire to be confrontational with her...while I know she was an active participant in my husband's fall, it was my WH that CHOSE his path...regardless of any encouragement she may have given. That was NOT an easy day, but I am glad I did it...it enabled me to have closure to at least one aspect of the A.

I do think it is important for everyone to be able to speak their peace. I hope that the emotions in your case will settle and that you will all be able to have this as well.

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/14/2014 21:03 PM

What a mess our WSs have pulled us into.