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Jasmine7 posted 7/13/2014 12:41 PM

This may be a little long, Im new so im not completely familiar with all the abbreviations just yet either.
First off, my H and I have been together for almost 8 years we have been married for 3 1/2. We have two children DD 2years old DS 8 months.
My H is genuinely an amazing man, very kind and loving with a good heart.
About 2 weeks ago we were having a conversation and he has this coworker who is his friend, well she came up in conversation and he said something to me that made me think that something was going on between them. Either there were feelings between the two of them or she made a move. ( I believe in my heart that I know he would never get physical with another woman as long as he is married to me) So I started asking him all kinds of questions in the next few days that followed. He was very elusive, indirect, avoiding the questions and deflecting the conversation. Then he started acting very strange with me. [We go out to a bar on some nights to drink and have fun with each other and some friends, to kind of loosen up from our daily lives. His mother lives with us so she listens to the monitor while the kids sleep.] So this night he was being very distant with me, hes normally ALL over me. and he was making sure to stay away from me until I said something about it. So the next day I get on his facebook to see if there is any evidence of anything going on between them. And sure enough there is. He is telling her he loves her, calling her beautiful and angel face, and told her he wants to kiss her stomach. I bringing him lunch to his work when I read this and I just fill up with rage and hurt. I get there and I don't say anything until I go to leave and he kisses my forehead! Now I know that seems so small, but he always kisses my lips and I just knew its because he feels guilt. And I lost it! I started screaming at him that I knew something was going on between them and if he didn't stop he was going to lose his family {not that I would take the kids away but that we would no longer be whole} and so he denied it and said he wants a divorce and that he was leaving. I called him stupid and left. That night im pretty sure he slept with the other woman. because now in his head he is single. I never told him I went through his things and I don't plan too.
He didn't come home, and several nights he went out and came home at 6 am to sleep in our bed. I would already be up with the kids so it was no big deal. We weren't really talking all that much. I had been reading several things and all said to just be kind, focus on yourself and not cause conflict or youll push him out the door.
FYI I want to save our marriage regardless of what he has done. I am not trying to leave or have him leave.
So I was being kind with him just making small talk every once in a while. Not bothering him or texting through out the day like we normally do. Then about 4 days later he texts me saying he misses me. The next night he tells me hes sorry, hes fucked up and he wants to fix this no matter what. So We make love and kiss. The next night we are up for hours just talking, nothing important, just connecting. So the next 5 days we are going out almost every night making love 2-3 times a day and just really connecting with each other.
BTW- I think the emotional affair happened becauase we lost connection, after our first child we rarely spent time together I went in the other room because she had some problems and I wanted him to be able to sleep. I think I made him feel very alone because I became so focused on the kids and him on work. We lost our emotional connection and never really gained it back. It also doesn't help that Im not very good at sharing my feelings or saying what im thinking. But im in counseling now and im working very hard to fix this.
I felt more connected with him in those 5 days then I have in years! It was going good. until sunday he said he was going to tell the Ow good bye. and he was gone for several hours. So I called him and then we went out that night. We argued a little bit but then I said lets not talk about it right now, we aren't ready. So we had a good night. The next day is Monday which is inventory day at his work, a day he has to see this girl ALL day long. I hated it. especially since the next night he told me he doesn't know if he wants to be with me or not. I don't make him happy. I just said ok. Im trying to just give him space and what not. I have read that at the beginning of an affair after its out in the open the one having the affair will do a yo-yo affect with you and the ow because they are confused. Which he texted me 2 nights ago telling me he was confused about everything. So again Im just giving him space.
Yesterday we make love, I know crazy how the heck did that happen! and hes being nice to me, talking to me, and seeming as if he is leaning towards us again. Last night he actually starts telling me about this girl (before he just denied) and said he doesn't know what to do, when he tried to tell her goodbye she refused and said she would wait for him forever (yea right!). We continue to talk and again it sounds like hes wanting to work on us. Then I tell him how I feel, how I feel like its my fault how I think I made him feel alone and this is probably why it happened. and I don't know why but its like I lit a fire in him. He flipped out saying how we were over how we are never getting back together how hes made up his mind (even though a few minutes prior he said "If I decide that I want to work things out" doesn't really sound like his mind is made up) and he said he was leaving. He didn't come home last night and took clothes to go to work today. I feel like I messed up by telling him how I felt. which is so ironic since I feel like Im in this situation because I don't tell him what im feeling! So now I have to give him space all over again and let him cool down. I read that this process goes on for 6 months. That I need to be patient because affairs usually dwindle down after a year. So I focus on myself till then. But I have no one to talk to about this. I don't want to feel judged because I know Im going against what a lot of people would think they would do. I love him unconditionally, my love is not going to fade because of his behavior or because hes human and made a mistake. I just want him to realize the mistake hes making. :(
Has anyone gone through something similar to this??

devistatedmom posted 7/13/2014 14:37 PM

Oh Jasmine. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I don't know what you are reading, but it must have been written by someone who wanted to cheat. That advice doesn't make sense at all. Go to the healing library at the right and read up there. Giving him space to do whatever he wants, stay out all night with her, and then come home to you for laundry, meals and for sex with you will NOT get him back.


confused615 posted 7/13/2014 14:55 PM

Im not sure what books you've been reading. but you can not "nice" him out of the affair.

While you have been nice..he has continued to have a girlfriend..he is having sex with both of you. You are sharing your husband.

If you want to save this marriage, then you're going to need to gather some strength and tell him he can date her all he wants..but he can not be your husband while he does it. He either needs to commit to you and the marriage, or he needs to leave. What's the alternative? Sharing your husband with OW.

Does OW have a husband? Boyfriend? have you investigated her at all..or do you only know what your husband has told you.

It is not your fault that he cheated. Kids, etc. Not your fault. He may have felt lonely, but instead of turning to you, he turned to her. This is ALL on him.

Until he commits to you, and sends OW a NC message..and commits to NC..please stop having sex with him. He is exposing you to whatever possible STD's OW might have. You need to get tested..and insist he get tested also..before you have sex with him(and you get the written results!).

Right now, he is now loving you. Love is an action. He is treating you like an option. You need to show him you're not.

He may be a wonderful, amazing, loving man. But right now he is a lying cheating husband who is shitting all over you and his kids. He is risking their happiness, their stability, and their family..all for sex with some coworker.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:56 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]

OakStreet posted 7/13/2014 18:04 PM

I concur with the above posters.

You can't wear your heart on your sleeve. Read about The 180 and give him a taste of what life might be like without you.

The 180 is really about strength - for you!

Sorry you are going through this. Hope things work out for you!

Jasmine7 posted 7/13/2014 20:26 PM

Where do I read 180?

brkn_heartd posted 7/13/2014 20:48 PM

I agree with the others. While I was giving my H his space, he took it to continue to cheat on me. He used to tell me if your are going accuse me, I might as well do it. SO I didn't say a thing. It wasn't until I was fed up with being treated terribly that I drew the line in the sand and was ready to end my marriage. By being ready to end it, it actually saved it. It jerked him out of fantasy land. As long as you allow him to play both sides of the fence he will.

Also THIS IS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT. Even if he was lonely, that did not give him the right to cheat on you, emotionally or otherwise. DO NOT ACCEPT THE BLAME. This is his to bear. You were not wrong in sharing your feelings. I also advise you to be tested for STD's. He his having sex with both of you. I also would not have unprotected sex again until all tests are done.

The 180 is a link in the just found out forum. I will bump it up if it is not already up there.

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/14/2014 00:19 AM

Heres a link to some information about the 180.

You can also Google it. "What is the 180 infidelity"

His affair is not your doing. It is not your fault. Don't accept blame for his horrible choice. He had many options. Breaking his marriage vows was one of the worst options available.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/14/2014 04:15 AM

I don't know what you've been reading that's instructing you to be a floor mat that allows her husband to stay out all night, has you apologizing that it's YOUR fault that he's cheating, and tells you to look the other way while he's dating up a storm every night and having sex with his 'girlfriend.'

Whatever that crap book is, you need to burn it.

You can't "nice" someone into loving you. You can't "nice" someone into coming back to your marriage. What you're actually doing is giving him an all expenses paid ticket to walk all over you and show you zero respect.

You need to cut him off at the knees NOW.

BreatheAgain10 posted 7/15/2014 11:01 AM

Hi Jasmine7,
I agree with all the other posters... PLEASE don't let him treat you like a door mat! He's totally cake-eating. Don't let him, Hon. He has to pay consequences for his shitty behavior. Like the others have said, you can't "nice him" back into the marriage. He's still in fantasy land and the 180 tactics are the best way to snap him out of it if your marriage can be saved. I wish you the best. Being a BS sucks but you will get a lot of support here.

devistatedmom posted 7/17/2014 09:31 AM

Hey Jasmine. Are you doing ok? Been thinking of you.

Uhtred posted 7/17/2014 23:12 PM


First off I'm sorry for your pain and sorry you had to come here but since you made it please make sure to read and let it sink in all of things you've been told here by people who genuinely know where you've been, where you are now, and where you can go from here.

Like everyone else has said this is not your fault. Your poor wittle husband was aww awone? You're blaming that on him going and having an affair? You were trying to take care of y'all's baby and letting him get some rest and this is your fault? Think about what you just said, read it over, and think about it again. First things first, you're married to a selfish prick right now. He's abusing you by saying "I love you and want to be with you forever, let's make love five times a day" to "you don't make me happy anymore".

Kick this son of a bitch in the nut sack and watch him fall off that fence he is sitting on. You need to say it to yourself "I'm being abused by a man that is supposed to love me" and let it sink in. It's not your fault that you've felt this way because you obviously didn't know any better. Throw all of those books that you've been reading and get something worthwhile like Not Just Friends. He is responsible for 100% of the affair. All marriages have problems but an affair isn't the answer and any mature selfless person who is giving 100% to the one they promised fidelity to knows this.

I'm not attacking you or your husband I just want to see you tackle this problem in the correct manner otherwise you're going to have years of heartache ahead. Read that 180 real hard and apply it to him. He needs to feel the consequences of the affair because this type of behavior comes with a heavy price. See an attorney and learn your rights, perhaps even file for divorce. This doesn't mean your getting a divorce you just have to be willing to lose it in order to save it. You need to mean it and he needs to believe it. This may not make sense now but it will if you keep at it. Tell him to go to the other woman, show him to the door with his clothes. Tell him he can go to her all he wants but not while he is your husband. This he will do as a divorced man. You have nothing to lose right now because he is already gone and blinded by the reality of the situation.

If he humbles his self and starts showing remorse and is willing to live in a transparent manner then slowly he can regain yor trust. My wife has been this way for the past year and I don't trust her as far as I can throw her but it's better than it was a year ago that's why I say slowly. Like I said you have nothing to lose right now. Don't worry about "running him off" by demanding respect, loyalty, fidelity, and all the things that one decent being does for another that they truly love. If he doesn't want to do those things then you are much better off without him and he can be replaced by one who is willing to do those things. It's hard to see it now but the closer you get to being fed up the better it sounds. I wish you the best of luck. I've said enough, probably too much I just get riled up at people who blame theirselves for their sorry excuse for a partners choices.

HeBrokeVows posted 7/17/2014 23:26 PM

I'm sorry, I can't believe this man had the audacity to tell you he's not sure what to do about the OW and he's chatting up with you like you're his buddy trying to work out his relationship with his girlfriend. I'm sitting here in shock. Please, please don't wait for him to decide, you begin to decide to put yourself first. I'd immediately get an appointment for STD testing because he's sleeping with both of you it sounds like. You can never be sure. I wish I got tested when WH first denied he was sleeping with OW, instead I waited 3 more months until I had the proof.

As others said, begin the 180 now. You're not ready to make a decision yet so the only decision you need to make is to take care of YOU. Your children need you now, be well for them. I know it's hard, but focus on you and the kids, not him. Hugs to you and good luck!

Lark posted 7/18/2014 01:56 AM

I'm so sorry you're here.

I agree, burn that book or whatever you're reading. It's awful advice - you can't "wait out" an affair. What an ego trip for him to have his girlfriend on one side and his wife trying to nice him in hopes he'll stay no matter what he's done on the other

Unfortunately, ti is likely they were already physical prior to you learning about it. He didn't just run off and have permission to have sex with her because he said he was leaving you. It was likely already happening.

Definitely read up on the resources in the Healing Library in the upper left. You deserve to be treated better your children deserve better. You are worthy.

sillyoldsod posted 7/18/2014 05:18 AM

So sorry for your situation Jasmine7.

My H is genuinely an amazing man, very kind and loving with a good heart.

FYI I want to save our marriage regardless of what he has done
I love him unconditionally, my love is not going to fade because of his behavior or because hes human and made a mistake. I just want him to realize the mistake hes making

I'm a newbie to the forum so I'm sure the resident experts will put me right if needed but it seems to me from the quotes that you're totally dependent/co-dependent on your WH.

I've realised that I'm dependent on my WW and it's an awful thing to have to admit to yourself. As much as I want to save our marriage it takes two.

How long are you willing to have your heart broken in the hope that he might come back to you...6 months... 2 years... eternity?

Whilst I hope for the best between you and WH you must unfortunately prepare yourself for the worst.

Sorry to sound so negative. It's a crappy place to be for sure and your D-day is very recent. You will go through the whole range of emotions.

You may want to consider some IC.

Best wishes.

[This message edited by sillyoldsod at 5:26 AM, July 18th (Friday)]

1Faith posted 7/18/2014 10:53 AM

Hello Jasmine

Welcome to SI. It is a place where people understand your hurt, pain and confusion. We've been there.

It is also a place of honesty and advice based on experience.

Sure, every situation is unique but cheating also has many common factors as well.

Head to the Healing Library at the upper left hand corner. Read, read, read.


You are in denial.


Even though you know in fact your WH is having an affair, you continue not to really believe it. Denial provides a buffer zone from the reality of what has happened.

This denial is centered in believing that things are still the same and then coming up short to realize the person you married is not the person you thought they were. There is a very strong to desire to continue life as it was before.

need to be patient because affairs usually dwindle down after a year

No, no, no. Do you really want to live your life like this for a year? With him coming and going? Sleeping with another woman and disregarding you and your children?

This is not true nor logical. What happens when it doesn't "dwindle" down? What then?

because he's human and made a mistake

This behavior and his continual choices to cheat are not mistakes. They are malicious, intentional acts that cause you and your family harm. Once is a mistake, twice is a habit.

You need to fight for you and your children.

If you allow him to treat you like a choice, he will. You're better than being an option.

Good luck.

amanda123 posted 7/18/2014 20:16 PM

Hi Jasmine, So sorry that your WH is doing this to you. Please dont in any way blame yourself for his A, he did this ALL by himself. No one threw him into bed with her, no one held a gun to his head and made him text or message her. If there were issues in your M then he needed to talk to you, not seek out the OW at the first sign of a problem. We can all see that you love your WH very much, and the thought of being without him is out of the question for you. However it may not be your decision in the end. Treating you the way he is treating you is not love, you dont want to hurt the person you love, let alone flaunt all this crap infront of them, he is not thinking about your feelings or how this is affecting you.
You need to think about what he has done, he told another woman that he loves "her", he is having SEX with another woman, just think about that, he is disrespecting YOU and your family, your marriage. If the shoe was on the other foot and you were the one doing the cheating would he put up with you doing that? I already know the answer to that it is a big NO WAY. This is not the way you want to be treated. If he knows that you will take him back irrespective of what he does, then he will treat you that way. Make him miss you, make him want you, read the 180 as everyone has suggested and start feeling stronger, tougher and more confident. There is a saying you will only be treated by the way you let people treat you.
Set some boundaries, tell him that he needs to make a decision on what he wants to do. Tell him under NO circumstance will there be any SEX until he is committed to your relationship and marriage. Your WH has been having the best of both worlds going from one bed back to the other. We all know how difficult this is, we have all been there and or are still going through this just like you. Talk to a girlfriend or a trusted relative and take some ME time out for yourself if you can find a babysitter, you deserve it.

steadychevy posted 7/18/2014 20:47 PM

I am so sorry, Jasmine. You have fortunately found a good place to come to. I wish I had early during the period my WW was committing adultery. The last 12 years of my life might have been much different.

You cannot nice or love your WS back. I know this from personal experience. I did just about everything wrong. Again, the wish I had found SI back then.

You have already had advice about knocking him off the fence (Uhtred). You need to do that or he will continue to eat cake - you and OW. He needs to be made to realize what he is about to lose. He needs to be made to realize that you will not share him. He is with you exclusively or not at all.

I am a Christian. The Christian community is too easy with "forgive and forget" which is totally unfair to the betrayed spouse and sets up for a repeat performance down the road - no consequences of any substance. There is a book by Dr. James Dobson called "Love Must be Tough" that goes counter to that and I suggest you try to find it and read it. I got it off Amazon but is also in lots of book stores. Dr. Dobson is a Christian but says that the traditional Christian approach is fraught with danger and bound to fail. You must be tough and lay down some tough conditions with the expectation that severe consequences will follow with failure by the wayward.

As others have said - this is not your fault. It is entirely on him. He needs to get knocked off the fence hard. It needs to happen early because IMO the longer it goes the more difficult it is (my experience again).

My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

kansas1968 posted 7/18/2014 21:06 PM

Your husband is in the fog. He is having sex with both you and the other woman, depending on how he is feeling that day. Showing weakness is not how to get someone out of the fog. He is a cake-eater royal and no one is stopping him. If she is married, tell her husband, then get to a hard 180 and get to a lawyer. I know you don't want a divorce, but acting like you will get one if he doesn't get his head out of his ass is usually the only way to prevent one. He has to know there is a cost for this, to him, personally. He is just having what he wants with both of you. So sorry you are having to go through this. We all know how painful it is. It is the worst betrayal of trust. Remember, people only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Hugs.

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