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When your friend's don't "get it"

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BrokenheartedUK posted 7/13/2014 12:44 PM

I've got some fantastic friends, and some friends who I wasn't that close with that have really risen to my trauma and have been amazing. But...I've also got some friends who have said things to me that I find strange.

One friend who I've been friends with for almost the entire time I've been with my husband because her husband and mine are good friends from college and who LITERALLY walked in my door about 10 minutes after I discovered my husband's affair said to me: "Well, if it was me I would end my marriage. I'm just tough like that. "

Um....really? And the weird thing is how hard her and her husband push to have me and mine reconcile. Before this happened to me, I would have said that too about my husband having an affair but I don't think I'd say it to someone's face who's husband ACTUALLY did have an affair.

Another thing that people don't seem to get is that they think it's hellish because of losing trust. But for me, it's the searing pain of betrayal that is what I grapple with. The trust, while important is secondary to that part of the deep pain of anguish that my husband would do this to me. Somehow that doesn't seem obvious. I don't get it.

rachelc posted 7/13/2014 15:12 PM

I can't believe the things said to me;

"Men our age go for much younger women," when I talked to her about me leaving.

"Don't talk about it then," 3 months after dday 2 when I told my friend who has been cheated on that hubby didn't want to talk, the same friend who says she's settling.

Crickets (from LMHC friend) - when ow2 smiled at me in the beauty shop and sunk me for two weeks and I sent her a help me text...

"You have to forgive" - church going friend.

"You would feel really bad if mrracelc dated someone else ." Another friend when I told her I was thinking of leaving.

"He loves you!" Said by everyone...,

JLyn1128 posted 7/13/2014 15:41 PM

I only post occasionally because I'm not sure what to offer other people, but I do know this. I didn't tell more than 2 people about the A, and those were friends I know that love me more than anything and would never offer more than support. One who had gone through the same situation and another who loves me like a sister. My reason for this was that in case I decided to R with WSO I didn't want our friends to have the judgment in their heads. Yes, I was worried about HIS reputation. I also didn't want the advice. Everyone would have an opinion, they would all be different, and most likely NONE of them would be what I wanted. I'm glad I didn't have to live it out in a public forum... I'm sorry you had to. Seems it would have been much harder. The thing that pulled me through was THIS page. Nobody here was trying to influence my decision one way or the other, they would not let me get by with blaming myself, which I wanted to do, and gave sage advice as needed about how best to get what I wanted. I've needed it less and less, but I still read the other stories because I don't feel like the only person this happened to. When I need to talk about it, I journal it. If that doesn't help I come here. If I still need to bounce off someone I choose the two friends who know. I let go of my IC a while ago, but she's there if I just can't get past it. The less people know.... the better for me.

KatyDo posted 7/13/2014 15:47 PM

I find it difficult too. This page has been my primary support in terms of having somewhere to talk about things, as well as IC and a few friends. It is really bizarre dealing with other people's responses and my privacy as well so I too have been careful about sharing.

One of the strangest reactions I've had is...nothing. Crickets - so I don't really go to that person much at all. I don't know if people get how traumatic it is, it's really like a death, a silent implosion of one's life, like when they explode those buildings, but nothing around is touched. And life goes on for everyone else. Wish I wasn't in this position.

rachelc posted 7/13/2014 16:01 PM

I will never ever not listen to those in need. Does it matter if I agree or not? Listening is important. Compassion is important.
It can almost seem like another betrayal when people don't want to listen.,,
My mom and sister have been rocks.

Hatemyhusband posted 7/13/2014 17:39 PM

Just said to my H... Unless u live it, u have no idea how u will react. Anyone can offer me advice, but I'm sorry, unless ur husband had an A, u don't understand the pain. And I hope u never so. That's what I say to friends

Kind of like " I'll never let my child sleep In our bws@. Then u have a sick baby and you wouldn't want him/her anywhere but in ur arms

lostinthesouth posted 7/14/2014 16:32 PM

I was listening to a friend tell a story about how she was so glad her other friend didn't come visit her because it was just so draining listening and talking about her husbands affair. (all said very snarky)
I stood there shocked thinking--you really have no idea how bad the pain is for us. I'm sure if she knew my story she would avoid me like the plague too. Very sad

[This message edited by lostinthesouth at 4:34 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

vivere posted 7/14/2014 17:01 PM

To be truthful I didn't 'get it' until I found myself in this situation. I would have had compassion for someone who was obviously hurting but as for volunteering advice or knowing how to be most helpful, no, I would have been clueless.

DisappointedDude posted 7/15/2014 00:14 AM

I've only told my best friend and my parents.

My best friend was extremely angry at my wife because he had seen how loyal I've been to her and how I always put her on a pedestal (which probably isn't the best thing to do). It was nice to see his passion. However, he was also very unhelpful with advice. He practically demanded that I divorce her immediately and said he would lose respect for me if I didn't. Well, I still love her and she is remorseful, so I didn't. Thankfully, he has been supportive of my choice.

My parents responded a little strangely. They kind of made it out to be "sad" but not really that big of a deal. I got this weird feeling that one of them had an affair at some point. It seemed that they were hesitant to talk about it.

As far as myself...I never thought I would stay with someone who cheated on me. I've always had a strong hatred toward people who cheat. Yet here I am. In R. You never know how you will react until it happens to you.

ItsaClimb posted 7/15/2014 08:58 AM

I lost one of my closest friends of more than 20 years because of this. Fact is, some people just don't "get it".

In my situation my husband's affair ended 8.5 years before I found out. Between the A ending and my finding out my WH and I were really very happy, the "model" couple. When I found out about the A I was devastated and this friend was really kind, understanding etc, for 3 months. And then suddenly she felt that I had "punished" my husband enough. One night about 3 months after D-Day, when we were visiting them, she told my husband that "if the A had happened yesterday I would never speak to you again, but seeing as it happened so long ago, I am fine with it" I was really upset with her for saying this and a couple of days later I phoned her and pointed out that by saying that she was almost implying that it was a GOOD thing that my husband kept the affair from me for all those years. She then laid into me, told me that I should be thankful my husband has been such a wonderful husband and father for the last 8 years and that I needed to bury the affair now and that I don't deserve him because of the way I am treating him and.... cherry on top... that maybe if I can't get over the affair I should give my husband custody of my 17 yo daughter and go away and be miserable somewhere on my own.

The rest of it I could handle, but the bit about my daughter pushed me over the edge. I pride myself on being an excellent mother and I have worked VERY hard to continue to be a good mother to my daughter through all the trauma of the A. My daughter and I are exceptionally close.

At that point I cut all ties with this woman.

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 9:00 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

MJane posted 7/16/2014 05:49 AM

The thing I find so tough about this experience is the deep loneliness I feel. I am a very sociable person and while I told two close friends and my brother I live a lie for the rest of the time with people who have know.n us for years but know nothing about the A. One of my two friends has been extremely kind but I know she thinks I am crazy to stay, the other has been very warm but we haven't spoke in a while as I feel I can't keep on like a broken record. What shocked me most was the reaction of my inlaws. My MIL visited very shortly after the A came out and I told her as I couldn't keep up the pretence over a weekend. She said very little to me other that u should think of what was best as a mum and try to stay with my H and since then my ILaws have prettying pretended it never happened - their false "all is rosy in the garden" attitude has meant I have little to say to them and realise my relationship with them means very little - not once have they asked how I am doing or referred to the pain I must be in and it all seems to sweep what has happened conveniently under the carpet. I feel so very lonely some days and wonder it that is because I am making a mistake staying or because I have no one I really talk to about this anymore...

Hatemyhusband posted 7/16/2014 05:57 AM

Many are living a lie. Most do not share all
The problems they are battling. It's a fact. We ALL have problems- medical, kid troubles, family drama, work or $ struggles, and cheating or abusive or alcohol or
Drug using spouses

You do not have to share every problem and you are
Not living a lie. You are battling a nitemare called
Betrayal and you are doing the best u can.

Lastly, I chose to tell a few colleagues, a few close
Friends and my neighbor. I have not told my parents, siblings nor his. And the people I told know me well enough that quite
Frankly I needed their ear and a hug. I didn't need their telling me what to do. If they disagree w me (some did in the immediate beginning) I told them "I hope to God u never have to deal w what I'm dealing w but unless u are, u can never say how u would react and decisions u would make
Bc I tht for sure if throw his butt out the second I found out"

Be strong. Tell whomever u feel comfortable telling, then move on. They choose not to support ur decisions, it's on them

Didact posted 7/16/2014 07:52 AM

I have to keep it a secret, I was only able to tell my father (who I was never really that close to until this -- and then the universe decides to keep fucking w me and give him Alzheimer's, sigh) and my business partner, when I was unable to keep up as much at the firm after dday.

There is the concept of "body friends" -- a friend you can call to help deal with a dead body. Most of us only have a handful of people that we are that tight with, and I really needed someone with whom I could commiserate regarding the uglier details of the A, and my pain.

The problem was that prior to dday my four "body friends" were WW, our oldest DS (27), and my son-in-law (25), and a friend I have known since I was 10. Obviously I'm not going to share details w kids. That left my friend, who I am guessing that he wouldn't be much help on this one.

Bottom line, WW got the pain, all of it. Had she not been able to deal with it as well as she had, I'm pretty sure we don't make it.

[This message edited by Didact at 1:42 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

Lark posted 7/16/2014 13:52 PM

People who haven't been through it have ideas about what they'd do, but they are just guessing based on their perspectives.

And they need to keep quiet since they have no actual experience dealing with it.

I told only a few people - and I was very selective in who I told. They're people who support me regardless of my choice. it has forever changed their perspective of my husband, though. And my best friend - who has not said anything negative of my husband except complete disbelief he would do this, who is incredibly supportive of me and spends all her energy telling me I am strong, i am worthy, I deserve to be treated with respect - even she wrestles with supporting me staying with my husband. She said she supports me in my choice, but she has a hard time believing people can truly change - and she has left it at that and went back to supporting me.

It is harder to stay than it is to go, I do know that for sure.

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