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? for those living with WS before full R

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whymewhyus posted 7/13/2014 13:59 PM

Is it possible to live under the same roof and possibly looking into R in the future? Not sure what it holds now but it's not feasible for us at the moment to just leave, financially. We do have separate bedrooms we could utilize. I need his touch and words so bad right now and he is shutting down and saying he isn't attracted to me yet still has good days where he's flirty or seems like he wants to be around. So far NC is going good but I just don't know how to act or deal with this now while we're both under the same roof. I want him to stop convincing himself that he isn't in love or attracted or whatever... Feels like he's playing games. Damn this is hard this time around and seems impossible to deal with. How do I handle this under the same roof without pushing him away more?

JLyn1128 posted 7/13/2014 16:01 PM

Like you I had to deal with multiple DD with my WSO. We're not married but have lived together for 16 years and have been together for 29. We're older than you (both 62) but I realized the other day that WSO has been 'with' this OW (mid 30's) for more than half of our living together, off and on. The first two times I discovered their A I didn't deal with it appropriately... I just let it go with his promise to stop. This time nearly killed me. I was a mess and packing to leave and it really devastated him to see the effect on me. My point in telling you this is that I think whether you can live together through R or whether you R at all depends on him... and what he's willing to do to fix it. You've already made the decision to stay and work on it. What is he going to do to make the same commitment? My WSO has bent over backwards to prove to me he's done with her...and to make me feel comfortable with my decision to stay. If he was not doing that and/or if I felt like he was even a little ambivalent...I'm not sure I would have stayed after multiple discoveries. Counseling helped me and he (although he didn't go himself) worked through it with me. We went through our own sessions after each of mine. The 180 is very helpful to determine how far they are willing to go and how much they're willing to give to make it work. Seems to me the ball is then in their court and you get a good picture of their motivation. Others here will have good advice, they've helped me a lot too. I just know that it can't be all up to you to fix it. Until he decides what he wants, why waste your time trying to fix it one-sidedly.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/13/2014 16:25 PM

It might be ok for others who are farther along in the separation process, but I honestly don't feel it would be beneficial to you at all.

You're still clearly way too invested in him and the marriage, and from the sounds of it, he no longer is. I hate to say it because it sounds so trite, but when a man tells you something you don't want to hear - that he's no longer attracted to you or in love with you, you need to believe him.

You can't make him feel what you want him to feel. You can't make him think what you want him to think. And you can't make him behave the way you want him to behave.

That's the unfortunate truth you're facing.

And that is why an in-house separation would be far too painful for you. Just the way you're feeling right now - aching for him to love you and pay attention to you and touch you while he's being indifferent 90% of the time and saying he's no longer interested in staying together is going to slowly crush you.

Lastly, this is now the 2nd time he's cheated - that you know about. Why are you so eager to forgive him yet again? The utter pain and devastation he caused you the first time he did this - and watched you suffer - wasn't enough for him the first time?

You really need to ask yourself why you'd forgive someone who can keep doing this to you.

Daddo posted 7/13/2014 20:16 PM

Possible - probably yes. Easy. . . nothing is going to be easy for a long time.

I understand the need for his touch, his love, his support - but now is not the time. He is the source of your pain, he cannot be your comfort.

When infidelity strikes, it tears at our own sense of self - our self identity. You want, need to feel whole, you yearn for what you once had - it is only natural to desperately want the WS back.

However, before that, it is better to heal - to build up a new self-identity that is a bit further from the WS. You need to rebuild your self-esteem and your identity.

The 180 rules are a set of guidelines on how to behave during this terrible time. - read them, they help -

Read the many threads on the 180.

I'm so sorry for you. Be strong - or at least pretend to be strong, even if you feel totally broken.

It will get better


steppingup posted 7/14/2014 11:34 AM

There are many reasons why the WS says they are not in love, what they mean is that they dont "Feel" emotional love. Some people think they need to feel that hard to get away from attraction. Others like you or me perhaps know that Love is a choice it is a decision.

Loving someone unconditionally does not come with butterflies in your stomach and 100 of text messages everyday. It is a mature love, it is an AGAPE love. It is a "will take a bullet for you love"

The puppy love, my WS and your WS want to feel is the stuff kids feel in highschool...

It is an addicting feeling and they love it and seek it out. My WW will not go NC as she is addicted to feeling the puppy love feelings. But what are feelings anyway...well they are chemicals. So the puppy love is nothing less than a chemical addiction formed in someone who is emotionally underdeveloped.

It is hard to not take it personanally when the WS says, I am not i love with you but in love with the AP, but the AP is fooled too, like our WS, they are chemically addicted. I no longer feel sorry for myself, but feel sorry for her.

You should feel sorry for him. He is the loser. Cheaters never win and winners never cheat, its not cliche, its true.

You are the winner. Good luck, stay strong, you will get through this and if you keep your mind sharp, you will come out of it better stronger and more capable of loving someone (him or someone else) better than before as you are (We are) going throught an equipping period in our life.. Built up, not torn down.

Agape (love) to you!

lmf9 posted 7/14/2014 12:13 PM

I'm 8 months pregnant and have decided to continue living with my WS for the support that I needed during the pregnancy (high risk) and to support the children we already have. It was hard in the beginning because I was still so emotionally invested in him and it hurt to no end for him to be so cold towards me. The 180 in the healing library became my anthem and IC helped me to get to the point of accepting the fact that I can't make him love me or appreciate me. I'm in a much better place now and I've learned to invest my time and energy in loving myself and my kids, and not focusing on R; which I have no control of anyway. The only way continuing to live together will work is if you can change how you view the relationship because as others have said, you can't fix the relationship alone. I've been putting support systems in place and preparing financially for when this arrangement no longer works, but for now it works well because he is no longer the center of my universe and I see him for what he is. I hope it works out for you.

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