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grains posted 7/13/2014 15:53 PM

I know that this question has been asked many times here. I would like to ask it again. How do you gain intimacy after an infidelity? My DDay was in March 2011. I have found it extremely difficult to approach my BS with intimacy since then. I am aware that it requires a lot of empathy, focus and gentleness on my part. I am very ashamed and sorry to say that my BS has also been doing most of the work of reconciliation. I have been very passive about it. I realize this each time we talk about our marriage. I am determined to take a more active role in reconciliation. This passivity certainly does not help in gaining intimacy. There are certainly actions that can pave the way. The simple act of posting here I feel is a step towards it. There are many more things I can do. Your ideas are welcome.

TheWorstCase posted 7/13/2014 16:20 PM

Grains,

What have you tried? What worked in the past? I think long massages are a very good and safe form of intimacy in the beginning, but don't build up the expectation that kissing or sex has to follow the massage the first, second, or even third time. Don't get discouraged. Caring enough to seek answers is a good first step. My BS initiated giving massages. It was a safe way for him to feel close to me. I'm sure others will be along with more advice. My D-day was pretty recent, and the massages started almost immediately and haven't stopped yet *fingers crossed, because they are awesome to give and receive!*

grains posted 7/13/2014 16:34 PM

I will try the massages. I have done that when my BS asks for it because of the muscle soreness she would have. I think I should offer it regularly and remember that it as a tender gesture that does not need to lead to petting and intercourse. I know that wanting it to go in that direction can become awkward and eventually fail. I have tried the suggestions in Stan Cronin's HOW TO DATE YOUR WIFE. The tips work but need constant practice. Thank you and good luck on your recovery and reconciliation.

FixYou71 posted 7/14/2014 00:23 AM

Just to be clear, are you referring to emotional or physical intimacy or both?

somethingremorse posted 7/14/2014 08:50 AM

I am aware that it requires a lot of empathy, focus and gentleness on my part. I am very ashamed and sorry to say that my BS has also been doing most of the work of reconciliation. I have been very passive about it.

Most of all, you have to prove to your BS that it is safe to open up to you. The person you were during the As is not safe. You need to make your BS feel comfortable that you are not going to hurt them again.

Above all, the problems in my M (not my As, that was all me) came from not communicating. If you feel like you are not getting the intimacy you need, talk about it. If your BS doesn't feel safe, talk about that, too.

Finally, IMO, understand that your intimacy levels may never match up completely. One spouse may always be a little more closed off. You may need to accept a certain level of that. That doesn't mean settling. You should try to have your BS be as open as they can manage. But realize what your BS' real limits are.

grains posted 7/18/2014 00:58 AM

sorry for not responding right away:

FixYou71 - I am referring to both physical and emotional intimacy. I think that intimacy can never be just physical. The physical aspect of intimacy grows out of the emotional bond that happens between two people. This is the delicate and critical component of intimacy. It requires trust, honesty and a sense of safety. This is so difficult to recover after my betrayal of my wife. It requires a great measure of awareness of the other. I have lacked these and am working to develop them.

SomethingRemorse - Yes, thank you for pointing that out. How can I make my BS feel safe with me? Intimacy is not possible without that. How do I sense that or feel that I am providing it? I realize like you said that it depends heavily on good communication. I have a lot of work to do in this area.

FixYou71 posted 7/18/2014 02:24 AM

I have heard good things about the book Hold Me Tight. Maybe something you and your BW could read together and discuss. It is a book on building intimacy.

tooanalytical posted 7/18/2014 06:22 AM

Have you considered attending a Retrouvaille weekend which is structured in a way that increases intimacy and leaves you both a set of better communication tools to use going forward?

grains posted 7/19/2014 12:58 PM

Thank you. I will look into the book HOLD ME TIGHT. Reading something together helps in building intimacy. We just recently started reading our favorite humorous greeting cards and it is a joy. We also read relationship books together but not often enough. I have to invite my BS more often to do that. We have been to Retrouvaille and it is very effective. They have gatherings for those who have completed their weekend seminar. I will look into that too. This is our wedding anniversary weekend. I am looking forward to being with my wife. I am very lucky and thankful for her presence in my life. I will let her know. All the time.