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Still on this forum...separation wondering if R will happen

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KatyDo posted 7/13/2014 16:17 PM

I've been having a temporary separation because of my wh's anger issues and stress at home caring for his mother, but also of course the EA and continued boundary issues.

I guess it's a constructive separation, I've enjoyed more peaceful dialogue with wh, and some good times too. I'm still so aware that he can lie to me way too easily. He has some serious issues to sort out.

Any advice for the loneliness and uncertainty? I'm glad I took this step for my own dignity, but it has me feeling at a loss. I could perhaps be using the time to gain clarity on what are my dealbreakers, and what issues of my own have kept me here, but sometimes I feel like I am floating in a huge space without enough to carry me through. And of course wondering if R will be possible...would love any advice.

tl502 posted 7/13/2014 20:41 PM

We never separated, but I often believed that it would have helped with my own healing.
I do know that everything about being a bs is lonely and uncertain. Remember that you are not alone.
Use this time to explore what you want out of life for you. Go out with friends, take a class in something new and different.
Step outside your comfort zone and see what it feels like.
Make your time apart a growth experience. Who knows what you can do.

lifeistough posted 7/14/2014 07:18 AM

Everything tl502 said. And, I can say that the lonely feeling isn't necessarily because of the separation. It's due to the trauma of the EA. I am not separated but feel terribly lonely and wonder if a separation would have actually been a good idea (but didn't do it because of the kids). I think the separation might give you more time to reflect without the constant reminders. And I am always looking for the littlest signs of affections, etc. that sometimes that gets overwhelming. It would be nice to be completely outside that for a bit. So, try to enjoy your time for what it is.

But, the uncertainty is tough and there's not much to do about that except know that no decisions have to be made right now, so try not to worry about that yet. Hang in there.

SadInNC posted 7/14/2014 07:26 AM

I would use it as an introspective time to really think about what I wanted. Take this time for yourself. It will be lonely but trust me, living in the same house with a WH who you aren't sure about yet, is very lonely, too.

This way, you don't have to see or talk to him on a daily basis and you can figure out how you feel about that. Do a few things that he doesn't like to do but you do. Take this time and try to make yourself happy in small ways as you think about things.

Good Luck!

KatyDo posted 7/14/2014 19:39 PM

Thanks so much for the responses. I just found out I will only have a few more weeks here. So I kind of have to figure out my next move. There are so many unknowns it's hard to plan. I thought I might have had longer here but no such luck. In a way it encourages me to use this time to really find out what I think, and look at how I can stop being an enabler of my husband's ways.

For example, I've really doubted myself, and tend to discount my feelings, intellectualizing them out of existence. I haven't insisted on very clear boundaries, because I have always felt guilty since he wanted to be doing something else by having one-on-one time with female friends. I tolerated bad treatment, despite trying to show signs of resistance. When the resistance didn't work, I just came up with another way to try to fix everything.

I will say that it did my dignity a whole lot of good separating. Because we were caregivers there just wasn't much time to deal with all of the emotions and the aftermath of anything. We'll see what comes, and if my husband can rise to the challenge.

Rebreather posted 7/15/2014 11:06 AM

Perhaps you can spend this time reading Codependant No More? I think it would be a good move for you. You have to work on your issues. The fact that you are realizing you have allowed this poor treatment is a good first step. The next is to understand why, then to find a plan out of your old ways.

The reality is, R doesn't "happen." It is a process worked at by two partners. If only one is doing the work, it won't happen. While you do need to work on yourself, what work is your spouse doing on himself? Is he in therapy? Anger management? Reading about how to help you heal? If he isn't doing any of those things, then I think the answer to your question is, "no." Can you get ok with that?

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