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New Beginnings :
They say time heals

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 strawblond30 (original poster member #6263) posted at 11:17 PM on Sunday, July 13th, 2014

They say time heals all wounds. I'm not do sure I believe that. I think some wounds go too deep , and they fester . No matter what you do they mark you , scar you . Some things just won't go away , no matter how far you run.

Divorced 2013 after several years of infidelity on both sides. Remarried July 2018 my new husband Is opposite from Ex. I can actually breath with out worrying what he is doing. Living my best life now .

posts: 1122   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2005   ·   location: illinois
id 6870935
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inconnu ( member #24518) posted at 12:20 AM on Monday, July 14th, 2014

Time can help heal, but it's what you choose to do with the time that helps healing so much more. If a wound is festering, get help. Don't let it poison you.

There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown

posts: 13294   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2009   ·   location: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
id 6870986
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Losttransport ( member #39409) posted at 2:18 AM on Tuesday, July 15th, 2014

That is part of one of my favorite quotes by Rose Kennedy:

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

But doesn't that happen with all wounds? The scar remains. But I can live with that. I'm strong. Today, I'm strong.

Me: BS-50
Hubby: WS-50
OW: his high school girlfriend
Affair started last November
3 DD, 1 DS all grown
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.

posts: 132   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2013   ·   location: Texas
id 6872307
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fireproof ( member #36126) posted at 3:33 AM on Tuesday, July 15th, 2014

I think like anything it is more about letting go and accepting because what other choice do we have?

Overtime you let go especially with the OW or OM there is a justice of some sort. You if you give yourself the opportunity simply get busy with your new life.

It is like a dress you saw in the window and someone else bought it - it is gone but overtime you think of it but the thoughts lessen to make room for other dresses.

Hang in there and don't pressure yourself. No one until they are in your situation would know what they would really do.

posts: 1563   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2012
id 6872360
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caregiver9000 ( member #28622) posted at 3:37 AM on Tuesday, July 15th, 2014

I don't know about healing. But time is wonderful. The more you have of it, the more you can see what you have and can do without the wound or the wound giver.

Does it still smart after all this time? Sometimes. If I pick at the memory and focus on the parts of it that hurt so much.

There are other things between me and the hurt though. And those years, and survival moments are a buffer.

Time is something that can't be gotten any way but patience. But from where I am now? It feels like healing.

Me: fortysomething, independent, happy,
XH "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
two kids, teens. Old enough I am truly NO CONTACT w/ NPD zebraduck
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

posts: 7063   ·   registered: May. 27th, 2010   ·   location: a better place
id 6872366
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wonderingbull ( member #14833) posted at 3:41 AM on Tuesday, July 15th, 2014

I thought I'd be in a hole forever but I came out of it... I'm not saying it's all perfect but it's pretty damn good...

My mottos have been "chin up eyes forward" at the beginning...

"I can do this" in the middle

"Alright, this is excellent and what isn't excellent is pretty damn fun" on the other side...

I simply got to the point where I couldn't waste anymore time on what had been done to me... I had to focus on what I can do for me...

One thing I can't make more of in my life is time... None of us can... I now live with one motto....

"The fuse is burning".... what am I going to do with the fuse I have left?

WB

The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor

posts: 6054   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2007   ·   location: A better place
id 6872369
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asurvivor ( member #32368) posted at 6:00 AM on Tuesday, July 15th, 2014

It looks from your profile that you have been suffering for 9 years. This post has saddened me. I am so sorry and truly hope that you can find some peace.

I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.


posts: 642   ·   registered: Jun. 3rd, 2011
id 6872452
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sparkysable ( member #3703) posted at 7:26 AM on Tuesday, July 15th, 2014

I have always said that I don't believe we ever really get over it. I think we learn to live with it, but it's always there. I'm pretty sure the right circumstances could break through my barrier and bring me sobbing to my knees even now, 4 years later.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

I completely agree with this.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 1:28 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

D-day OW#1 2/2004;D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

posts: 5718   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2004   ·   location: NY
id 6872483
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Embers2Fire ( member #25557) posted at 6:31 PM on Thursday, July 17th, 2014

Time can help heal, but it's what you choose to do with the time that helps healing so much more. If a wound is festering, get help. Don't let it poison you.

I agree with inconnu. Although time helps we must be committed and determined to heal ourselves as well. I was not going to allow XWH to steal my future as well as my past. As far as I was concerned he had stolen more than enough from me. Even when I wanted to hide from the world and just die I made myself get up and get dressed and go out to activities I once enjoyed. Fake it till you make it, you might be surprised that in the end you may have actually had fun. I made it my mission to find myself again, I did it for myself, for my sons and for the many people who dearly loved me. In whose eyes I could see the hurt and pain, my pain was causing them.

Join meetup groups, get involved in volunteer groups do what ever it takes to spend as little time as possible dwelling on this pain. One day you may look up and realize you have not cried in a few months and then it could be a year, and so on. My heart goes out to you, I know the pain your in, we all do here. One day at a time, one step at a time you can reclaim your life and your happiness, just keep moving forward. ((((hugs)))))

BS - me 49
XWH - him 48
DDay 05/08
Married 25 yrs, 2 sons 28/23
Divorced
2nd Marriage 11/1/13 livng the dream

God has breathed new life into me fanning my fading Embers into a brightly burning Fire.

posts: 463   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2009   ·   location: Land of the healed and home of the grateful
id 6875743
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libertyrocks ( member #38924) posted at 6:45 PM on Thursday, July 17th, 2014

It's been 2 1/2 years since I had proof of my ex's infidelities. I still tell him he ruined our lives. I have so much anger, I cannot stand the sight of him. I wish I would never see him again for the rest of my life. But, I know that will never happen.

Time just makes it easier to cope with.

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

posts: 972   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2013
id 6875765
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lynnm1947 ( member #15300) posted at 7:08 PM on Thursday, July 17th, 2014

I prefer its sister saying "Time wounds all heels".

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 1:08 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]

Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks

posts: 8765   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2007   ·   location: Toronto, Canada
id 6875804
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Lostly ( member #43953) posted at 2:19 PM on Friday, July 18th, 2014

Hi strawblond30,

I just read through you profile and I can feel your pain. It hasn't been that long and and it sounds like you lived many years very unhappy. It takes its toll. Pain demands its price.

I think I agree with everyone depending on the day. Yesterday & today I'm kinda in a funk, and really feel that you're right. For me time has just taken away the intensity.

My marriage left me stripped of who I was and as a result I am in the process of defining a new self. Some days I am excited about the process, other days I am resentful as hell. Today I am just sad.

Either way the scars still remain and become a part of who we are, and in that sense they are never gone.

BW 48 - Multiple d-days
Divorced 2012 after 19 yrs
6 smart, beautiful, amazing kids.

I have finally found my voice and it is good!

posts: 234   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Australia
id 6876704
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Sad in AZ ( member #24239) posted at 2:25 PM on Friday, July 18th, 2014

These are my thoughts (and one of my tag lines)

My scars are pretty deep and will remind me of my ordeal for a long time, but they have healed over and are no longer a threat to my existence.

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-63
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

posts: 25351   ·   registered: Jun. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: Arizona
id 6876710
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7yrsflushed ( member #32258) posted at 2:38 PM on Friday, July 18th, 2014

You do heal. You are left with a scar and for many, the more you move forward the less it hurts. I compare A's and the associated shitstorms to having a broken leg. Some of us got compound fractures, some had hairline fractures, some had bones sticking through the skin. We all got patched up and had to go through rehab. It's painful as hell and we have scars to varying degrees. Eventually we are able to walk again. Some of us needed wheelchairs for awhile or maybe crutches or canes. Some could run faster than others while some never run again but are okay with walking. Some still ache when the weather changes. Some of us toughed it out without pain killers and some needed drugs to dull the pain. Eventually we all healed it just took varying amounts of time and we ALL have scars that on occasion ache or remind us of the pain we went through.

Some of us like me had fractures so bad that we chose to amputate the leg to recover faster. If I didn't amputate that broken leg it might get gangrene, fester, and rot. That infection that invaded my spirit left me angry and was killing me slowly over time. Sometimes we try to save the leg and the chronic pain is so much that we eventually have no choice but to amputate even after trying to deal with it for so long. Well I didn't amputate immediately but when the pain became chronic and wouldn't go away I pulled the damn chainsaw out and cut it off myself.

It takes some of us a bit of time to realize that this is/was a dealbreaker and if it is that is a perfectly acceptable option.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:56 AM, July 18th (Friday)]

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

posts: 2231   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2011   ·   location: VA
id 6876728
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FaithFool ( member #20150) posted at 2:44 PM on Friday, July 18th, 2014

Some still ache when the weather changes.

Yes.

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

posts: 21594   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
id 6876737
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InnerLight ( member #19946) posted at 6:22 AM on Saturday, July 19th, 2014

I am scarred for life but those scars give me character and hold stories that enrich my life. It's not the wounding that enriches me, I could have lived without that, it's the overcoming of the pain and dysfunction that has strengthened me and made me more brave and self assured even.

I am 6 years out and have pursued healing every step of the way. Yet I still hurt, and I think I always will. I just don't let it get in my way of a joyful fulfilled life so much. It does get in the way sometimes, but not totally.

I don't believe I will heal so that it was like it never happened though, do don't think that just because you still hurt sometimes that you are a failure at healing.

BS, 64 yearsD-day 6-2-08D after 20 years together
The journey from Armageddon to Amazing Life happens one step at a time. Don't ever give up!

posts: 6688   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2008   ·   location: Rural California
id 6877821
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