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RhettButler posted 7/13/2014 21:02 PM

To start I recently discovered I am a sexual addict, which has led to all my behaviors and betrayals of my BW. In my marriage the betrayal started about about 7 months before our marriage. My wife discovered I had been talking to a girl on the internet whom I had met at a local coffee shop. Although hurt and betrayed my wife eventually got past it, and we wed. Recently she discovered I have been talking to a couple people on the internet still. But before I continue I feel I need to explain my sexual addiction simply because I am not sure what to write on this post nor how to word it, and also not sure what I am trying to achieve with this post. But mainly the only problem in my relationship with my wife of 5 years is that we have poor communication, and I have been talking to other people in sexual ways on the internet, but with no intent on meeting up with them in person.

Again, I would talk to people (I say people because it was men and women) on the internet in sexual ways and discuss possible ways of meeting up, but yet not really have intentions on meeting up or acting out these things in person.

Upon reading on the internet this is viewed as a symptom of sexual addiction, but I would say my founding symptom of sexual addiction is that I have been watching porn and masturbating everyday for the last 15 years. I started when I was about 12 or 13 and thats about when it all started. From there I started objectifying women and becoming obsessed with sexual acts. For the next couple years the obsession wasn't too much. Around when I was 18 it all changed. I used a lot of girls for sexual favors and didn't care about my attraction to them. I targeted the more attainable women, who looked like they would give me what I wanted. This continued as I moved to college, and my obsession came a little stronger. I failed out of college and started working full-time when I met my future wife. We started out as friends with benefits but things just seemed to click. There was tension but aside from porn I never strayed wayward, until the coffee shop girl.

I think of myself as a good husband, aside from the demons that are destroying that. I try to do everything for my wife, and she is the best wife.

Most people assume that if the husband is going wayward he must be missing something at home, but that could not be further from the truth, I have everything and more at my home. There just seems to be something pulling me from my family and I am sick and tired of it. I have beaten alcoholism, I have beaten a gambling addiction, and I will beat my sexual addiction. Simply because I have to.

My wife is on her last straw, and losing her and our 3 sons is not worth it. I could not imagine a day without seeing any of them. My wife is my world and I need to make her feel like it.

The steps I am taking to fix our marriage is that we are currently going to weekly marriage counselling. I have eliminated porn from my life, and have also removed masturbation. I am removing all temptations and trying to keep my mind off of sex. My wife and I are spending more time together, and doing things together. I know this isn't something that is fixed overnight, but I also know that in time with determination I will be fine, and My family will no longer have the crack in the foundation it currently does.

I have rambled enough, I apologize for the lack in structure of this post. And also the length.

[This message edited by RhettButler at 9:40 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]

RhettButler posted 7/13/2014 22:18 PM

How do I remove the stop sign?

Aubrie posted 7/13/2014 22:31 PM

Welcome to SI. A mod can remove a stop sign. Not something we can do ourselves after submitting a post.

Have you been diagnosed SA? Or did you connect dots on WebMD? There is a HUGE difference.

Also, what about IC for you? MC is all well and good, but you really need to focus on you and fix your stuff. Kwim?

authenticnow posted 7/14/2014 06:23 AM

A mod can remove a stop sign.
Actually, only an administrator can do it.

It's alerted for one of them .

RhettButler posted 7/14/2014 11:48 AM

I am not officially diagnosed, just self diagnosed off of sexual addiction websites. I meet every criteria so I know I would be diagnosed if tested. As for IC, I don't feel my SA is so severe that I cannot treat it myself. It is simply a matter of staying focused and just the acknowledgement of a problem was the first step. The largest problem that needed acknowledged was a disconnect in our marriage and MC is the highest priority.

I never attempted to change before because the issue was never addressed or pressed, but this is my last chance and I have everything to lose if I don't change so change I will.

I know the steps to recovery, and I know the time, effort and discipline needed to achieve my goals. My wife and I are our only support system aside from SI, but we are also our strongest supporters and I know she will help me through the process, and we will have the strongest bond on the other side.

We both have our problems, just as everyone else, but we also realize it's time to stop being lazy and make a change for the best. I could not choose a better wife and a better supporter than my wife.

Also thank you for the responses to the stop sign question.

EvolvingSoul posted 7/14/2014 20:20 PM

I am not officially diagnosed, just self diagnosed off of sexual addiction websites. I meet every criteria so I know I would be diagnosed if tested. As for IC, I don't feel my SA is so severe that I cannot treat it myself.
This seems like potentially poor judgement. The same brain that got you into this situation is the one that is making this statement. Your idea of self-treating sounds a lot like just white knuckling and avoiding the behavior instead of really getting to the root of your why.

The attitude of knowing what will happen (I'll be diagnosed for sure) and that you don't really need help (it's not really that bad) is a red flag to me. The statement that the problem was a disconnect in the marriage and that that is what needs focus now is another red flag to me.

Here's the thing. If you don't get to the bottom of how and why you were able to get your needs met at the great expense of your wife, you are setting yourself up to do it again. Maybe not as an affair, but the thought process that allowed you to do this will continue to manifest in your relationship. It isn't going to just disappear because you have acknowledged its existence. They are tough buggers to identify and change.

Why not seek professional help?

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/15/2014 11:31 AM

The jury's out on whether SA is an official addiction, and if it is, you can't diagnose yourself. So forget about all that, and start taking personal responsibility for your choices, your actions, and the pain you caused your BW.

I am a sexual addict, which has led to all my behaviors and betrayals of my BW

Nope. You made choices. You acted. Nothing "led you."

mainly the only problem in my relationship with my wife of 5 years is that we have poor communication

Umm, really? Cuz I was kinda thinking you having online affairs (and at least one PA) throughout your entire relationship might outrank that. If you both have poor communication, why is it that you cheated and she didn't?

RhettButler posted 7/15/2014 11:44 AM

I am not trying to make excuses, yes I screwed up majorly. I accept full responsibility. I am trying to right my wrongs, I know it takes time, but I will do everything in my power to be a better husband. I have been plaster all over this site as a sexual deviant, who will never change, but that isn't true. I am a stupid guy who made terrible decisions. It's as simple as that. I never had intentions to meet anybody, but yet I still did it. And just as simple as that I can not do it also. There is no complex issue at heart, just a stupid guy doing stupid things. The thing I hate about forums in that you get one persons story, everybody reacts to it based on their experiences, which every situation is different.

I screwed up I really did, and I am trying to air out all my dirty laundry so we can start to heal, but there are things that I forget about that my wife keeps finding. And of course she thinks I am lying and I remember it all but am just hiding it but I am not and its frustrating. I will just keep trying my hardest and show her that I never want to lose her. Because I do love her with all my heart and I just made really stupid decisions.

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/15/2014 13:08 PM

The only side of the story I'm aware of, is what you wrote in this thread. I can't speak for anyone else who weighed in, but I have no idea who your BW is.

I am a stupid guy who made terrible decisions

Do you really think you're stupid? I don't buy it. In fact I'd wager you characterize your intelligence as superior. Looking back now, without using the phrase "sexual addiction" or words like "demons," why do you think you (consciously, deliberately) made those decisions?

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