Why am i doing this? Is it fear? If i can push him away then i won't be caught off guard again if he ever cheats again? How do i stop? Because if i don't stop then i will eventually push him away. Things really are very good when I'm not doing this. Better than they ever have been in our marriage.
Until i push it too far. And i am pushing it too far. Not arguing fairly or constructively. And Iknow it.
You answered your own question. You are sabotaging your R. And I do think it is fear. A fear of letting yourself be vulnerable again. For the relationship to grow from here you will have to open yourself up more and more. I don't have any tips on how to stop yourself, but if you can't find any then looking into counseling to help with this issue would be well worth it for you.
Your inability to trust him is normal.
You will never be able to trust him 100 percent, nor should you.
The question is can you live with that?
Maybe you are trying to push him away because the answer is no.
The other thing, is maybe on some level you feel that he was never a good husband, and not worth fighting for.
This is the point where I am at, thanks to individual counseling and MC.
I can see that my husband always had unrealistic expectations of married life.
As a result, I tried too hard to give him the freedoms he insisted on which led to his cheating.
In doing so, I put up with a lot of emotional abuse. Things that I did not see as abuse until I received counseling.
Counseling has helped clarify for me that my wayward was never 100 percent into the marriage. He was married but he still wanted to be single.
I hope you are getting IC because that is really what helped me more than MC
I wish could answer that question for you in a soothing way.
The truth is only YOU can answer that question because only you are in a relationship with that man.
Going forward you need to look for actions, not words, to help get your trust level up to at least 90 percent.
Is he being transparent, with his phone, and computer, does he let you surprise him at work.
If he traveled for work was he willing to give up his job for one that did not involve travel, to help you feel safer.
..But deep inside I don't. Because if he thoughti was good enough or sspecial or that what we had together was precious he could never have treated me that way.
He knows you are special and good. Your relationship was precious to him, and that's likely why he hid the affair. He wanted the thrill of the new fling and the safety of your precious and secure love.
The affair was about him. His selfishness. It most likely wasn't about a lack of love for you.
It was about him, not being able to handle the stresses of a long term marriage.
People can change, but only you can be the judge of whether or not your spouse is capable of change.
If you take a peek in the wayward forum, you will see many men who regret their affair, and are trying their darndest to make their wives fall back in love with them.
Is your husband trying to win your love back?
Does he realize he is only going to get one more chance with you to make things right?
With that said, I often have the same feelings you do.
I, too, am around the two year marker. I read the around the two year marker, things can sometimes seem worse.
I consider this a normal response, esp for people with self-esteem issues (which is like 99% of BS's!), but probably not healthy for the M long term.
[This message edited by veronique12 at 4:22 PM, July 14th (Monday)]
He is as transparentas a person can be. Calls if his plans change. Always where he says he will be. I have all passwords and his blessing and eencouragementto look at wwhatever i need.
He changed jobs. Less money but his last job allowed him the freedom to contact and meet her during the day. This is a more physical job that seems to leave him more satisfied at the end of the day.
He has always struggled with depression. Visited his doc and had a med change that seems to help tremendously. He had refused to do this for the year of the A.
He is trying very hard to win me back and it is very clear this is it. We are trying to communicate and get to a point of trust that if ever "feeelings or temptations" come along we can talk about it and handle it together.
We also talked about my continued feeling of being not enough tonight. He said he didn't give a rat's ass about himself and that made him incapable of truly caring for me the way he should have. He has done a lot to address those feelings in himself.
I don't know if there is anything else he could humanly do. If i was able to direct his actions at this point i wouldn't have a thing to change. I think I'm afraid of taking that leap into trust again. Things are going so well i find myself back in further than I'm ready for if that makes sense. I want to be slow, to really see so i don't miss anything.
I think I'm freaking out a little bit about the upcoming anniversary. I hope now that I've recognized why I'm doing this, i can handle it better.
And sorry for the typos. It's hard on the phone.
Seethelight - i am having a hard time knowing i can nevertrust 100%. And I'm not exactly talking about trusting him not to sleep with othrr women. I mean trust him with ME. That part in a relationship that protects, nurtures, is always on your side, doesn'tlet you get hurt. That part that is partners, a tteam, us against the world. That is the biggest betrayal. He "left"me on my own, threw in with someone else so to speak. And ddidn't bother to even tell me. He watched me struggle and suffer as he took his A underground for 6 months, giving me just enough to keep me here. How is that anything close to love? It wasn't. His love and loyalty at the time were with her. Real or not he thought it was.
I know iI'm supposed to understand the A wasn't about me. But deep inside I don't. Because if he thoughti was good enough or sspecial or that what we had together was precious he could never have treated me that way.
I will say that he so different in the last 6 months since NC. Different than in our whole marriage. But how do you truly believe the same person that looked you in the eyes when you felt like you were dying from the pain and lied?
Christy516 - this is exactly, exactly how I feel too. We were a team, our marriage was sacred, or so I thought. He was a good husband and father for the majority of our married life. For the past 12-18 months that slowly changed and then he had his affair. He is back pretty close to the man he was before all of this, but the fact remains that for at least six months he didn't care at all about me, he blatantly lied to me whilst I tried to talk to him about our decaying relationship. He paraded her to his work mates, he took my kids on a date with her, but most of all, she meant everything to him then and I didn't. I don't know if I can get past that hurt, he has destroyed the most important things to me. I loved being his wife and a stay at home mum, and he crapped all over that. I keep asking myself how I can look at him the same again, knowing that our relationship is forever scarred by his affair. How can I love someone that could intentionally destroy our past 19 years.
I don't know what the answer is. I struggle to live each day with this pain, the only thing keeping me from ending it is not leaving my kids with that stigma.
I don't know Christy but I wanted to let you know, I understand exactly how you feel
BS (me) 40
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
married 19 and 7 kids
He has now decided he can't do it anymore and left