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I am so confused... more than ever.

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whymewhyus posted 7/14/2014 05:51 AM

WH had a friendship that crossed the line. I was leery of it go begin with but trusted him, as he requested. Well, one night their friendship crossed the line and they had unprotected sex. I don't want to go into the whole story because it's fairly long but he's agreed to MC and NC. So far NC is going well, and first MC was last week. I think were both so confused right now and just going through the motions. One day he's sweet and flirty with me and etc, the next day he said he wasn't attracted to me anymore. It didn't make sense because 3 days prior he wanted to save our marriage and not lose me or our family. Saturday he was distant and kind of cold and at night laying in the bed, he said the same as before... He wasn't attracted to me. Doesn't know if we're gonna work. Well yesterday, he laid around all day watching tv and I did some cleaning and off and on he would come to check on me in the bedroom and be really flirty, like almost to the point where he wanted sex to be the end result. Well, last night just laying in the bed and the touching starts and before you know it... It happens. Don't know if this is TMI but we didn't actually have sex though. Other things. Anyway, right after he acted differently. Didn't say much and now this morning he seems moody and like he's pissed. I haven't said a lot but just asked if he was going to work early and he said yea that so and so text him to come in early and then he said I already knew that because I looked at his texts. So I guess he thinks I was asking a question that I already knew the answer which isn't true. Anyway, he bitched and we fought and he left for work. I realize I am too co dependent on him and he knowa it. I look to him for my happiness and I know I need to change that but it's definitely easier said than done. I am so confused right now, I feel like he's playing games with me and my emotions. He has me thinking one minute were gonna be okay and then later, like were not gonna make it. I asked him last night afterwards if he thought we were gonna be okay and he sais he didn't know. This truly scares me!! I don't want to lose him but I think I am and I know I probably sound pathetic right now but I just can't help the way I feel. Its tearing me apart and I just want to forget it all. I don't know how to act around him anymore. I feel awkward and like we're both not all there. I want to R and I was willing to give our M another shot even after all the shit yea put me through. Why can't he see that? Why the games? Why the mood changes like this? How do I need to act around him? I sense that he doesn't want to touch me, he doesn't ar night like the emotional touching, cuddling stuff. But I don't get why...I dont know what's going on and it's scaring me. I don't know what to do and I am so lost... Any advice is appreciated. My thoughts are holding me captive at the moment.

tfkeel posted 7/14/2014 06:18 AM

I just can't help the way I feel.

Correct, because you are allowing your husband to determine how you feel.

My thoughts are holding me captive at the moment.

Yes. Absolutely correct. All of us are held captive by our thoughts. It's the way we're made.

A person must be careful what "leader" he/she selects.... the "leader" must be one who knows the way....

There was once a glider pilot aloft and unsure of which way to head his glider..... when came a seagull, soaring, and gliding past him.

The pilot said to himself, "...I'll follow the seagull....he knows where all the updrafts are...he will give me a good, long ride...."

The pilot enjoyed a couple of minutes of complacent bliss, then, suddenly, the seagull turned 180 degrees and started to feverishly flap his wings.....

[This message edited by tfkeel at 6:24 AM, July 14th (Monday)]

Raven96 posted 7/14/2014 06:33 AM

Hello and welcome. I'm glad you've found us. There is a lot of information for you in the Healing Library, which is in the yellow box in the upper left hand corner. Read everything you can.

Your husband sounds like he is not being truthful to you as far as having no contact with his "friend." If he truly wants your M, he needs to do the work to save it, and acting one way and talking another way is NOT going to save it.

The 180 is in the Healing Library under FAQ-BS, #11. Read it, memorize it, and implement it. Do NOT let him do this to you. Your M will never be the same. It can be better; however, he has to be willing to save it. The way he is acting doesn't sound like he cares if it is saved at this point. The 180 will help you detach. It is NOT meant to win him is to make you stronger.

Your mindset that you depend on him for your happiness has to go. He isn't making you happy, and you deserve so much more!! If he thinks you'll be lost without him, he will continue treating you like his doormat. This is where the 180 comes into play. If you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to let him go.

Journaling, posting here, and walks helped me a lot. Make sure you are drinking water and eating to maintain your strength. Do something special for yourself, too, if you can.

I'm really sorry you are here. Just take it one day at a time...and exercise the 180.


Sunnydaysahead posted 7/14/2014 10:06 AM

Hi, I read back through your posts, I am sorry for all that you are going through. You are not pathetic, you are incredibly hurt and you are going through a very scary and painful time. You do not deserve the treatment you are receiving from your H.

He cheated on you, he told you he wasn't attracted to you, he said he wasn't sure the two of you are going to work, that you are too dependent on him etc..... This is NOT the way a remorseful husband treats his BS. I understand you have been together forever and that he is running hot and cold. At this point of the game he should be running hot all of the time. As hard as it might be, now is when you need to get angry, put on your "bitch boots" and stand up for yourself. If you don't take action, nothing will ever change. Just know, no matter how things turn out, you will be fine.

I understand you have blocked OW's contact information and he is supposedly NC. Gently, I would not be surprised if he has taken the A underground.

Have you tried IC? It sounds like you could benefit from talking to a counselor and working on you. You deserve to be happy and your happiness should not come from your H!

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/14/2014 10:46 AM

This should be the other way around.

HE should be the one feeling insecure and asking you if things are going to be alright. HE should be the one feeling humble and jumping around like a trained seal, trying to do whatever it takes to save this marriage.

Not you.

Right now, you're doing damage by setting a precedent. You're telling him he can cheat and not only will you forgive him, but you'll do your level best to hold onto him any way you can. THAT is the dead LAST thing you want to do, or you're going to set yourself up for a lifetime of this behavior from him. Just read around these boards and you'll see plenty of stories like yours. But these women have been at it longer than you and their husbands have had numerous affairs or one night stands - and they're still taking the blame for it and begging him not to leave.

Don't let that be YOU 5 years from now.

He's not remorseful at ALL for what he's done. But unfortunately, you're sending a loud and clear message that he doesn't HAVE to be.

TimeToGo2014 posted 7/14/2014 12:10 PM

Have you gotten truly angry at him at all for the affair? I'm wondering if you have shown him that what he has done will seriously have dire consequences on your marriage and he very well might lose you? Or, have you been too afraid to get angry at him, for fear it will push him away? I'm getting the impression that you're almost apologetic that he's in a pickle of trying to decide the fate of your relationship..

You have given up all of your control and your cards are on the table face up, waiting for him to decide what the next play should be. Why aren't you looking at him as a person who has hurt you terribly?

HurtsBad posted 7/14/2014 15:20 PM

Please listen to what everyone is saying:

You can't 'nice' him back.

You CAN live without him (if you have to).

After my D day, I was lost. How would I live without her? Who would I grow old with? I tried so hard to show her that I could change. That's how messed up my thinking was.

It took me months to get mad enough to get away from the crazy.

Your WS is not remourseful, and R is not possible right now. He will have to pull his head from his ass first.

If you're like me, your heart is telling you to go to him. Please listen to everybody and follow your head. Much easier said than done, I'm afraid.

steppingup posted 7/14/2014 15:34 PM

I feel like he's playing games with me and my emotions. He has me thinking one minute were gonna be okay and then later, like were not gonna make it. I asked him last night afterwards if he thought we were gonna be okay and he sais he didn't know. This truly scares me!!

Yes, this is one of the most problematic things about affairs and emotional survival. We know we can overcome it when both are pulling together but when someone we have grown to trust and value does not think the relationship can make it, our heart goes back and forth, one day hopeful the next day unhopeful, it SUCKS! Yes there are days when my righteuous anger rises up and I want to just get in her face and say "F-k it, I'm done"...then we will have a nice night, dinner, drinks, some couch time and snuggling in bed, and then she will say, "I dont know if I want this marriage"...WTF?

Everyone is hurt even the WS, their emotions like ours can be hot and cold, but it does not help if both are not committed to the same things. I know if I cheated I would have a hard time reconsiling because everytime I would look at my BS, I would feel guilty and ashamed of myself. that is what I think my WW is having trouble with. If she goes and lives with the AP, there is no judgement, no guilt no shame, and they can have their fantasy life with the rainbows and unicorns. With me everytime she sees me she is reminded of her fu..kedupness.

whymewhyus posted 7/14/2014 15:39 PM

Yes I am currently in IC and MC as well. First MC went okay. He said he wanted to save our M and that's why he was there. He didn't want to lose me or our family. I haven't started IC since the A was revealed.

Yes, I believe I did get angry at him. I also fell completely apart. He held me and just told me he was sorry that he fucked up again. I need to 180 his ass for real. I am sick and tired of being not taken seriously. I am known for making empty threats and not following through with things like this, with him. He knows what he can get away with and until I shut this crap down, its just gonna continue. I sometimes have so much confidence when it comes to this but other times I feel lost and helpless. I wishhe would realize what this does to a person. I am human and worthy of love and affection and someone who desires ME and me only. I wish it was that easy to just walk away. It's not right now and I'm trying to make the best out of with what the hand I was dealt. I want to help him but I can't do it alone. I want him to cherish our M like I do.

Sunnydaysahead posted 7/14/2014 16:03 PM

I am glad you are in IC!

I could have written your latest post. It is easy threaten consequences when we are angry. Even with the best intentions, it is just as easy to let those consequences fall by the wayside as soon as our WS shows even the tiniest bit of remorse. We want so badly for our marriages to work that we are easy prey for their manipulative behavior.

You do deserve to be loved and made to feel special. Your WH is a jerk for treating you this way. We all have limits of what we are willing to accept, it sounds like you have not yet reached your limit. Life is messy and it is not always easy to break up a household. I know it is difficult, but I encourage you to engage the 180, Stand up for yourself and continue to do so. If you slip, let it go and engage the 180 again. You are strong and you can do this!!

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