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Question about 180?

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whymewhyus posted 7/14/2014 06:03 AM

I am considering the 180. It seems like a lot but I think at this point it is what I need. I'm a little confused on parts though. How do you make sure they're keeping up their end of NC if you do the 180? I check records and GPS is on his phone too. How do I act like I don't care but still do the things to make sure he isn't slipping up? How does it work living together and sleeping together in the same bed? The 180 looks a little intimidating to me to be honest. It's completely the opposite of who I am with him. He even tells me I am too co dependent on him. Sadly, it's true. I feel like he's stringing me along right now, one minute he's hot and the next he's cold. Acts like he wants our M then says he doesn't know if it will work. I don't either but I'm willing to try. Games, all games. Hopefully someone who has done 180 can shed some light for me.

[This message edited by whymewhyus at 6:07 AM, July 14th (Monday)]

tfkeel posted 7/14/2014 06:35 AM

How do I act like I don't care but still do the things to make sure he isn't slipping up?

In my "180", I completely stopped doing "the things", and placed the entire responsibility for the conduct of my fWW's life upon her. Where it belonged in the first place.

I recognized that I could not "control" her to keep her faithful. That if she was going to cheat, she would find a way, I could neither build the castle wall high enough, nor the moat wide enough, to keep her inside.

How does it work living together and sleeping together in the same bed?

In my "180", I did not sleep in the same bed.

He even tells me I am too co dependent on him. Sadly, it's true.

Yes, and you must change that if you want your marriage to "work".

The fact is, it may not "work" anyway, even if you do "180". Mine didn't. But I stopped being hurt by her constant rejection.

norabird posted 7/14/2014 09:09 AM

I think it's about letting go of the urge to try to control the situation. So, stop checking because that energy that goes to him should be going to you. And because your policing can't make him change--it's futile and no way to live. Focus only on making yourself more independent because that is going to be crucial no matter if you R or D.

steppingup posted 7/14/2014 11:21 AM

If you want to save the marriage you have to show that you are worthy to be loved and cherished, which means you have to show the indepentdent you that he saw when he approached you for the first time. When you look like the woman he married he will want to be married to you.

The 180 works, it does. The reaction my WS had to the 180 was instantaneous. If you think about it, either way the 180 works, why?

If they stay and change it works.

If they go and you are getting healthier and more emotionally centered through it saves you agony.

Trust in it. Be positive and happy even if you dont feel that why (yes you have to be an actor, as we all do)..

The hardest thing for me was conversation as I dont want to talk to people that piss me off. I can look content but I dont want to talk to her when I'm upset, so I have to force conversation and look interested in the things she talks about when I dont want to.

Good luck and God Bless you.

ageek1 posted 7/14/2014 11:29 AM

I also found the 180 guidelines a bit difficult to understand. Part of our problem in the beginning was not communicating, unresponsiveness, not providing what the other was wanting in a relationship, etc. I'm one to avoid confrontation and definitely DO NOT Have a poker face so she can clearly see when something bothers or upsets me. When she sees me like this, she wants to know and pushes to find out what's bothering me. We have young children so it's important to not let them see us in a turmoil state or an appearance that is obvious that something is bothering me or her.

tushnurse posted 7/14/2014 18:03 PM

The 180 is NOT about getting the WS attention or get the WS to change or anything to do with the WS.
The 180 is ALL about you. About not allowing any new hurts, about learning how to be happy with just you, about NOT needing the WS to exist, about letting go of the outcome and accepting the fact that you have ZERO control over the WS choices.
It seems very counterintuitive especially when you are codependent. You have focused your attentions your love and happiness all about this other person and it's scary as hell to think if I do this my WS is going to think I don't care, that I'm ok with the situation. You absolutely are wrong. When you finally show that you are no longer going to tolerate the abuse, and focus on your own well being you will find that you are stronger than you ever imagined you could be.
180 is hard and it's scary. I often tell folks that are afraid that it may help to sit down and say to the WS something to the effect of "You have caused me pain beyond measure and abused me, and yet when I have to grieve I am met with anger and frustration. It's disrespectful and shows that you don't fully understand the impact of what you have done and I doubt that you are remorseful, therefore until I see you consistently doing the real work of R, Transparency, honesty, going to IC , showing me in actions that you get it I am done. I am no longer interested in being plan b, your maid, chef and laundress. I'm putting this in your hands. Then implement and don't be surprised if you stumble fall and struggle. It takes time to get it right.
t

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