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Feel like I'm being punished for his crimes

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Tigaress posted 7/14/2014 07:41 AM

Hi. Sorry for starting a new post again but last time I tried to continue an old post and nobody responded. Or maybe just nobody wanted to respond. Well, that would go well with how I feel about myself at this point. It's been almost three weeks since I found out about my husband's 'only kissing' affair. I have not seen him since, we have not talked, but texted from time to time. He does not seem very remorseful but blames me for being a bad wife, not having lost the baby weight, not working out enough (he's a fitness freak and quite vain about his looks) etc. etc. The first week I was crying almost all the time and I spent most of my awake time here on the website. By now I managed to pull myself a bit more together but I'm still not doing well at all. And NOTHING has happened in regards to my husband's behavior. He has been living with his cousin and her family, probably being spoiled rotten. His parents / mother who was very upset with him in the beginning seems to have calmed down. Everybody seems to have moved on except me. I am stuck in a nasty place, all by myself. It's like I'm in prison for his crime. No idea if he continues to see that woman, he agreed to NC but I never heard anything further about it. No idea if he's seeing other women, my gut tells me there are at least a few emotional affairs that he uses to strike his narcissistic ego. Yesterday he was here to see the baby and I stayed in the bedroom, hiding away. But I heard him laugh and play and talk to my mother. In the meantime I was feeling like sh&*, locked away next door. Why do I have to suffer for what he did??

painfulpast posted 7/14/2014 07:50 AM

That's terrible. Sadly, it's common for a WS to 'blame' the BS. It's more messed up thinking. If somehow they can make it our 'fault' then they aren't a giant pile of shit that cheats on a loving spouse.

Didn't lose the baby weight? Oh, right. So his vows only meant something if your BMI was in a certain range? What a POS for saying that to you. Nothing he's done is your fault, in any way. AND, if he was not happy, he should have found constructive ways to deal with it. Getting a girlfriend is NOT a constructive way to deal with problems, real or perceived.

Regarding yesterday, why did you hide away in the bedroom? He's tho one that should be hiding from shame, not you.

Tigaress posted 7/14/2014 07:55 AM

Hi painfulpast - I stayed in the bedroom because I knew that if I came out I'd have to have a long conversation with him, possibly a fight. He would blame me for most of the things, be hurtful and probably attack me. He has a history of being verbally abusive - when he's angry and he thinks that excuses to say things that you 'don't really mean'. I'm not feeling ready to take that, so that's why I was hiding away during his baby visit ...

painfulpast posted 7/14/2014 08:10 AM

He has a history of being verbally abusive - when he's angry and he thinks that excuses to say things that you 'don't really mean'.


I know that feeling all too well. It's not fair and it hurts. Even if you know it's not true it still hurts that someone you love can be so cruel.

When you text, is it strictly baby and/or finance related? If not, I really recommend you keep it to those topics - the baby and finances. If he goes off-track, have a standard line ready to repeat, such as "I would prefer that we only discuss baby and financial responsibilities." Then, no matter what he says, just repeat this line. If he becomes abusive, say something like "I will discuss baby and/or financial matters with you. I will not engage in any conversation that includes your abusive comments. If you continue to be abusive, this exchange will end."

I'm so sad you're hurting. Please remember that this happened because your WH is selfish and has NO coping skills. You did nothing to cause this.

Tigaress posted 7/14/2014 08:14 AM

Thank you painfulpast. I'll use the suggested lines. Although I'm also tempted to sometimes text about other things, I'll try to be disciplined. He has not supported us financially for a very long time, so I guess all there is to talk about is baby. But how long do I do that? When do I start talking to him about the affair and potential other affairs? When do I start figuring out if reconciliation is possible or not? I'm in a limbo with him where we don't talk, don't work through anything that he did and that happened and I know that he thinks that will eventually lead to me 'getting over' it and us just pretending nothing happened..

painfulpast posted 7/14/2014 08:36 AM

When do I start talking to him about the affair and potential other affairs? When do I start figuring out if reconciliation is possible or not? I'm in a limbo with him where we don't talk, don't work through anything that he did and that happened and I know that he thinks that will eventually lead to me 'getting over' it and us just pretending nothing happened..

When do you start talking about the affair? You don't. I assume you've confronted and that's why he's moved out. He knows you know, and he needs to become remorseful. If not, and you R, then effectively he got what he wanted - he waited you out, and then you took him back, basically pretending nothing happened.

This isn't what you want to hear, and it's scary as hell, I know, but you need to let him come to you with ANY talk of reconciliation. If you bring it up, you're saying (without actually saying) "I know you cheated, but I still want you back, so cheating is ok as long as you don't leave." I know that's not the message you want to send, and it's not the life you want, so please, for you, don't do it. Don't discuss anything other than the baby UNLESS it is him apologizing. Blaming you is completely unacceptable. Waiting for you to just 'accept' it and ask him to come home is unacceptable.

So what happens if he never does that? Well, you have your answer. That's the scary one, right? What if this is it? What if he never comes around and apologizes? None of us wanted to face that possibility, but if you want to move forward, and not just rugsweep, then you need him to be the one to initiate any talk of R.

I suppose the one thing you might do is, and this is only one time so he knows this is where you stand: You could text, once, saying something along the lines of

"I have known for X days that you have had an affair. In that time, you have blamed me, blamed baby weight, insulted me and not even had the decency to apologize. If you are not willing to take even the smallest steps towards healing the damage your affair has caused, I am going to start planning my life without you. I will not wait for you forever, and I absolutely will not act as if your affair has not done significant damage to me and to this marriage. If you want to discuss this, I am willing to have a conversation regarding my needs, boundaries and requirements. I am not willing to be insulted, belittled, or blamed. You chose to have this affair. I will not be blamed for your choices."

I wouldn't offer him any more than that. Let him know that you're serious, that waiting it out won't work, and that you're prepared, if necessary, to move on. He may respond with something nasty at first. If he does, ignore it. He'll probably stew on it for a day or two before anything real happens.

Forgive me - but if he's waiting for you to just 'move on', I'm guessing that in the past that's how the fights have gone - you get upset, he becomes abusive, you eventually cave, and you both just move on, business as usual. Is that correct?

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/14/2014 08:42 AM

So the extent of Father of the Year's involvement with his child is an occasional drop-in?

You need to get to a LAWYER.

You don't have to suffer for what he did. You're CHOOSING to.

Empower yourself.

Stop hiding in the shadows and allowing this egotistical jackass to dictate how you act, think and feel. Why would YOU hide because he's an irresponsible loser who thinks NOTHING about deserting his wife and child? His sorry ass should be hiding from everyone - out of pure shame and humiliation - for reaching an all-time LOW in basic human behavior.

Get to a lawyer NOW. Get a child custody agreement hammered out so you don't have to be a sitting duck whenever HE suddenly decides he wants to play daddy for an hour - when it's convenient for HIM, of course. Way to parent.

STOP letting him call the shots.

More importantly, you need a CHILD SUPPORT order in the works pronto.

Lastly, cut off ALL communication with this jerk and tell him if he needs to talk to you to do it through your lawyer.

Stop hiding in the dark from this verbally abusive ass and get to a lawyer today.


[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:45 AM, July 14th (Monday)]

Tigaress posted 7/14/2014 08:47 AM

Thank you again, so much :-) It's kind of how fights went, not only with me but I think it's a story of his life. It was and still is definitely the same thing between him and his mother. His strategy is to escalate a fight beyond rational boundaries, not stay on topic but pull a million other things in the fight. Then he stops communicating with me until I am worried sick about him or about him leaving me. Then he comes back, calls or texts and I'm so delighted that he's showing up / communicating at all that I 'forget' why I was initially upset. He keeps getting away with everything like that, no consequences, no responsibility, and no change in behavior. He's also very talented in twisting the facts and putting the blame on others, I mean mostly on me.

Tigaress posted 7/14/2014 08:52 AM

Hi NeverAgain2013 - I wish I could move out of this depressed phase and be ragingly angry.... you're right with what you're saying. He behaves like an irresponsible, egocentric child. Friends who know him tell me that's how he is and that he will never change. But I guess I'm still delusional, hopeful and believe his words when he says he'll fix everything. Also, over the years I lost so much self-respect that I've been taking so much of his behavior without doing much about it .. He should be ashamed about his behavior, his irresponsibility, his lack of support and sometimes he talks the talk. But then he finds excuses (unemployed but trying to find a job the job market is just soooo difficult etc.) and puts blame on me (if I hadn't gone back to school I would still have an income to provide) and so on.

painfulpast posted 7/14/2014 08:57 AM

My H was just like that - fights escalated, if he was wrong he's jump topics, somehow putting me on the defensive, twist everything, act so holier than thou, blah blah blah. You know when that stopped? When I'd had it. I admit, it was after DDay. I was so fed up with his shit, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Gaslighting was easy for him - he had me so on edge already that I was always looking to avoid a fight, so when he'd pull some nonsense gaslighting lie I'd just move on because it was better than the fight.

After DDay, whenever he'd try his old tactics, I'd remain calm (or as calm as possible) and refuse to let the topic change. He'd bring something up, I'd say 'if you want to discuss that, do it later. We're discussing X right now." He'd keep on, and I'd stick to my guns. I'd leave the room, he'd chase me, still trying to attack me for some off topic thing, and I'd just keep saying that's NOT the topic, and he needs to bring that up later. It took a few fights, but he finally figured out I wasn't going to always be on the defense.

He can't twist things if YOU stay on topic. It's hard, trust me, I know. It's so hard - but you can do it. You'll catch yourself moving towards his new topic, but pull back. Don't let him do it. If he starts being verbally abusive, tell him you're not going to be abused and if he wants to discuss the topic like a grown up to let you know.

It's amazing how quickly they'll change when they realize you aren't falling for their mind games any longer.

You can do this Tigaress. You don't have to accept less. If you play his game this time, what's next? Don't send the message that cheating is ok. It's not. And you may as well show him that you aren't up for the headgames he's so found of. You're both parents now. The behaviors you both exhibit are the traits your child will pick up. Right now, your child will either be abusive or abused. I know you want neither for your baby - something needs to change.

norabird posted 7/14/2014 09:13 AM

Feeling the sting of injustice is a hard one. As much as possible, focus on the fact that you are getting a second chance at happiness by getting away from someone who does not cherish you or treat you well.

Let karma take its time with him and try to trust that it will catch up.

naivegirl posted 7/14/2014 09:27 AM

I think he is giving you the gift of a new life. He cheated on you, he is verbally abusive and he doesn't contribute financially. He doesn't sound like a prize. Run to a lawyer. You deserve so much more.

Sunnydaysahead posted 7/14/2014 11:02 AM

I agree with naivegirl! You are young and have a whole life ahead of you. It is time to start living it! In your posts, you said he cheated, is verbally abusive and does not make significant financial contributions to the marriage. He hasn't touched you intimately in 18 months and can't even be trusted to take care of the baby on his own. At one point you locked yourself in a room when he was upset, to the point you made an emergency call to your counselor.

Take a look back at what you have written over the last few weeks and try to view your story from an outside perspective, Does he seem like the sort of man who deserves your love? Is this the kind of person you want to grow old with?

You are not to blame for his affair (it is doubtful with the vain personality you describe that he has been celibate for 18 months). Take a stand and do something for yourself, you deserve so much more than what he has given you. Don't be his victim.

SunshineSoul posted 7/14/2014 14:57 PM

Going out on a limb here...
Your husband sounds a lot like mine in the way he deals with conflict.
I highly doubt he has only had one affair.
Do you have access to his phone? ALL email addresses & passwords? Social media accounts? Phone records?
I bet not.

Gently, he's gas lighting & being abusive. You have to decide what is acceptable for you, and what will give you the most calm.

Sending hugs and strength your way!

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/14/2014 21:13 PM

Sometimes in the middle of a crisis we can't see the forest for the trees. If one of us had written your posts, how wouldtalktalk you objectively advise us? You know you deserve better. He deserves nothing. Hugs!!

Tigaress posted 7/15/2014 13:29 PM

Thank you so much for the advice and the encouragement. I agree ... he's does not sound like a prize. Obviously I'm complaining about all the bad things that have been happening recently but I must admit that there were not many positive things for a while. But I'm still attached to him, went into this marriage with the intention to grow old together and am having such a hard time realizing that might not happen :-( He can be very charming and generous - if he has a job and money he's actually one of the most generous people I know. And his juvenile attitude has some charm to it. But with all the problems we've been having in the last couple years I'd have needed a partner who is a real adult, responsible and supportive... and that he is not. I keep hoping that things will change to the better again once he finds work, and he keeps promising the same thing...

determinata posted 7/15/2014 13:40 PM

First of all, big hugs to you.
Please do some things to empower yourself and build your self esteem up. Find a good IC. Do something special, that you enjoy. You are important. You are worthy. We don't even know you but we can tell that you are worthy and your husband cheating on you, abusing you, belittling you does not change any of that. You said in your last post that you had plans to grow old together. Gently, we all had plans. But you have to think about the reality you are living, and will live, and not what you wished for or planned for. As of today, your husband is an abusive cheat. That's his record. If he changes, you could have a happy future together but he has to want it. That's why you are being advised not to bring up R with him. You want him to change but as of today, he does not. Please take it slowly but with a focus on what you can do for yourself and your baby. There is nothing you can do to change him and honestly, if you look at narcissistic personality disorder, should he have it, he may not even be able to fix it himself.

crazynot posted 8/14/2014 00:02 AM

Tigaress, you sound like such a clever, kind, intelligent woman. And every sentence you write about him tells me that he is a horrible, horrible man. The thing about baby weight is hideous and unfair. There are men in this world who do not seek to control, manipulate and judge. Without this waste of skin in your life, one day you will find one. One thing I am reeling from is your revelation that he doesn't support you financially!!! Have you seen a lawyer yet? You'll be surprised by how much it helps. I'd love to see you file for divorce against this unbelievable cretin and I'll be here clapping loudly when you do.

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