SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

BS wants full authenticity

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

DrJekyll posted 7/14/2014 08:38 AM

So in a discussion last night, I was being defensive. I have been for a few days. My BS brought up authenticity.

this one is hard for me. After wearing so many masks for so many years. how do i switch. I have been making efforts but at the same time sometimes have defensive thoughts. thoughts I know are part of the old me, and not the me I am working for. so the request is for me to state even these thoughts.

this is probably one of the scariest things I am addressing currently. what about "fake it till you make it" what about when I know the thoughts are wrong. what about...what about...what about...

so the decision. i have committed myself to authenticity. even if i know how f'd up my thoughts are. or if they are selfish. or hurtful. doesn't matter. I have to clear those cobwebs out too. frightening. and for the first time in months we argued. and i felt relief afterwards. so now to walk to balance of "taking it" and voicing my thoughts and feelings.

the next step on the journey.

somethingremorse posted 7/14/2014 09:08 AM

for the first time in months we argued. and i felt relief afterwards.

I understand. It is a great step, and a really useful tool in M. We try not to stuff things away anymore. Getting to them right then and there is valuable. Lots of times we will literally say "it's a good step that we can argue about something right away and take care of it."

One of the first things my IC stressed to me was I need to realize my thoughts and needs are worth something. Not letting those things out led me to act out in bad ways.

Keep up the good work.

TheIrishGirl posted 7/14/2014 09:43 AM

My WH and I are working on this too. We've both begun to preface any of those with, "I hate that I'm thinking this" or "I wish I didn't feel this way" or even "I wish I wanted/could say". This way you put the hurtful/wrong thing out there with the full context. It helps us to see each other more clearly- both the bad (the fact that you have these thoughts) and the good (that you recognize them as undesirable, and that you're fighting them).

badchoice posted 7/14/2014 09:54 AM

One of the first things my IC stressed to me was I need to realize my thoughts and needs are worth something. Not letting those things out led me to act out in bad ways.

THis is good. ^^

I also, when discussing my feelings with my BW, make it clear between how I am feeling, and what I am committed to, and how I am committed to being in life.

Imabrokenman posted 7/14/2014 11:27 AM

I know exactly how you feel.

for the first time in months we argued. and i felt relief afterwards.

I got in an argument with BS on Saturday night, and told her I thought she was being passive/aggressive. This was something I used to hold back, not telling her how I really felt. "Nice guy" complex. I was always afraid of hurting her feelings, and making her feel bad.

Of course, it DID hurt her feelings and upset her. I calmly said that it was up to her how to consider what I said, that I was only telling her what I was thinking.

It is so foreign to me to express my thoughts so completely. I'm relating how I feel directly, not with the intention of hurting her, but with the intention of telling her exactly what I am thinking.

I was proud of myself for relaying that information calmly and openly. This is the new me. I hope she understands.

familyfirst posted 7/14/2014 12:13 PM

You have a high quality wife for being ready for your authenticity, warts and all. I think that's a great sign for your marriage!

DrJekyll posted 7/15/2014 07:09 AM

Thank you all for your responses.

somethingremorse

I need to realize my thoughts and needs are worth something

i have struggled with this for years.

Theirishgirl

We've both begun to preface any of those with, "I hate that I'm thinking this" or "I wish I didn't feel this way"

great approach, my BS and I discussed this exactly after reading. And she is going to try and not be defensive when prefaced.

badchoice

make it clear between how I am feeling, and what I am committed to, and how I am committed to being in life.

this sounds like it would go right with Irishgirl's comment.

imabrokenman

It is so foreign to me to express my thoughts so completely. I'm relating how I feel directly, not with the intention of hurting her, but with the intention of telling her exactly what I am thinking.

It is very foreign to me. actually vocalizing the true feeling and not the surface complaint. I do find that when I do, I generally feel better.

familyfirst

You have a high quality wife for being ready for your authenticity, warts and all. I think that's a great sign for your marriage!

I hope so. What she tells me is that she needs to see all of my ugly to make the best decision for herself. So if this is what she needs, I will give it to her.


After another discussion, my BS stated that she will be able to see my progress. being able to identify my old thoughts and see them change into the new ones. She will be more able to see my progress. and this will help me get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

[This message edited by DrJekyll at 7:31 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

NoGoodUsername posted 7/15/2014 10:07 AM

I am in the early stages of this too. Nice guy behavior had me stuffing my feelings and operating on unspoken contracts for most of my life. It's frightening to bring up my real feelings on things sometimes but it is working out well when I do it so far.

DrJekyll posted 7/16/2014 09:23 AM

Nice guy behavior had me stuffing my feelings and operating on unspoken contracts for most of my life

One thing my BS had found during my first few days of this.

When I get it out, what I am feeling, I can let it go. When I stuff it, it sits and festers until it comes out anyway. So from what I can see there are three options in dealing with feelings:
1. the feelings come out by voicing them.
2. the feelings come out by getting angry
3. the feelings come out by crying

No matter what the feelings come out. I have found that the sooner I vocalize them, the less built up frustration there is attached to them. And that eliminates the self talk and anger. and I feel better. and then when vocalizing before the anger builds my BS did not feel defensive. because my discussion was not assaultive. very interesting. why didn't I figure this out a long time ago.

LostTime posted 7/16/2014 10:46 AM

I have been looking at this as well and examining why I get defensive.

Isn't the defensive reaction really tied into the lack of self worth behind our thoughts & feelings? Aren't I just trying to defend my thoughts/feelings to justify or ask for acceptance and implied worth?

Isn't part of living authentically accepting these truths for ourselves? That can be seen as selfish, but projecting it onto our BS by getting defensive is being selfish.

I'm sort of thinking out loud trying to figure this all out.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.