I have learned in MC that he has a cheating pattern. He wasn't really aware of it (just hadn't connected the dots and really sees it as a pattern now), and he is now disturbed by it. He freely admits that this is something wrong with him that he desperately wants to change. But I keep coming back to an old adage that I have heard throughout my life, "once a cheater, always a cheater." Can people really change this? Does anyone have or know someone that has really changed?
You can also read the Positive Recon Stories thread that is a sticky at the top of this forum.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:24 AM, July 14th (Monday)]
Can people really change? I sure hope so!!
[This message edited by Summerluv123 at 9:42 AM, July 14th (Monday)]
WS here. We are 6 months out from DDay. Take this with however many grains of salt you wish, but i have lived a life of selfishness, deceit, self gratification and laziness for over 10 years. I have developed patterns of behaviour, compulsive tendencies, addictions to multiple substances/behaviours, dependencies, and given my BW EVERY reason to doubt that i could ever change. If I were looking at it from the outside, i would look at me and my past and tell my BW to run. Run for the hills, there is no way he will change.
But i really really have. And if thats too hard to swallow, then i can draw it back to i really really CAN. My life's focus has changed completely since i came clean. I have been gifted with the chance to live my life free of all of the lies and past deceptions that i once used to justify all the deceptions i engaged in. I have a clean slate and a beautiful and strong BW who lets me wake up beside her every single day and keep on proving that i can be better husband, a better father and an all round better human being.
Obviously im aware there are plenty of waywards who have said and done similar things and shown to have not changed at all. What i am wanting and believe i am experiencing is not a once off event that happens and then just 'is'. This is going to take hard work from me everyday, because it should take hard work every day. Every good marriage should. I guess the key factor is, i WANT that. I want the work, i want the effort and i want to put my family first forever, not myself.
I hope this gives you some hope. Even if it does come from a wayward. Best wishes.
Can people really change this?
Yes. But they have to want to change. And, for no other reason than themselves, to be a better person.
Does anyone have or know someone that has really changed?
I have seen a couple of people totally change. One of them left a life of complete alcoholism and became a pastor.
By and large, though, most people don't.
My husband is a changed man. The fog lifted fast and he realized what a mess he was. It took probably a full 10 weeks to discover the mess- the mess beyond the affair. The poor boundaries, bad decisions, lies, etc. it wasn't even that he was trying to hold these things back from me but more that they were so a part of who he was that he didn't even realize how bad they were!! We've both been doing the work, peeling off the layers, repairing the foundation. I can honestly say that my husband is a changedam even in these short three months (that feel like the longest three months ever)! It's been painful, but we are seeing the rewards of his changes now. His career has improved 100%! His relationship with our kids is do much better. His stlf esteem is stronger. He's cut out the bad and replaced it with good. Our relationship is so much better. I don't trust him completely, but I do have hope now that I didn't even have pre affair.
I have made changes too. While I take no responsibility for his affair I do take partial responsibility for the state of our marriage at the time if the affair. A lot of my changes, however, have been the result of his changes though so they've been easy. For example, I was very controlling. But in WH gaining control over his life and his actions I have let go- I no longer feel the need to control him.
So yes, I am not far out either, but I do think people can change!
The problem is, like booze is to someone alcoholic, affairs are to cheaters. You never will know when they will fall off the waggon and you cannot predict what the trigger will be, a flirt, a movie someone needing a changed flat tire. No, we BS who give cheaters another chance RISK MUCH, because we will never know if they are changed for life or not.
My WW said after her first affair that nothing would ever be able to cause her to cheat again...famous last words. Now into our 3rd and unrepentant, she is likely not thinking I'm going to forgive this one so she is not letting go of the OM and the ship is sinking....
For your sake if you want the marriage to last I hope he changes and uses this opportunity to make himself to be the very best husband in the whole world.
theseseatsRtaken, thank you for your reply. Your message says a lot because it is from a wayward.
jendo, I'm hoping to follow your path...glad to hear you are headed in a positive direction.
Here's hoping I guess!
But it starts with a choice.....a choice to STOP doing what you're doing and a choice back fill in that "empty" spot with something known to be healthier.
Then it is followed up with actions.
Evaluate....see if we like the results.....learn from them. If you like the results you have grown. If you don't like 'em, you get "experience" that, if allowed, transforms into wisdom.
Wisdom; ability to view the world objectively, and interact stably.
"We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better" - Maya Angelou.
God is with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:10 PM, July 14th (Monday)]
No miracle here.....but I have today to get back to it.
Not a linear process either.....have had to tear down things I have partially rebuilt because my perspective changed.....no longer put value on that item.
Keep in mind......you can only change yourself. I struggle with this yet today.
My opinion is that cheaters are essentially broken, hurting people who project their damaged behavior onto an unsuspecting and undeserving spouse. Until and unless they get help for their own problems, change won't happen.