Forgive me for posting this right now as is,,,,
but I need to think
Sorry, back to the reason I am here.
I I wound up on the internet, looking for a job
[This message edited by SorryInSac at 11:19 AM, July 14th (Monday)]
(Although I reeeeally think you should have used a stop sign.)
So. Here you are. Welcome to the ranks.
Depression is nothing to mess with. Don't miss doses. I think you know that now...
Unemployment didn't cause you to do what you did. That's an excuse, not a reason. As is the no love life bit. Lots of people have loveless marriages. They don't cheat. You'll have to dig deeper Buddy. Those are only surface excuses to a deeper issue.
What is your plan now SIS? Where do you go from here? What are you willing to do to step up, man up, and fix this?
ETA: I'm not dissing you by typing SIS. I'm just abbreviating.
[This message edited by Aubrie at 11:21 AM, July 14th (Monday)]
It all seems insurmountably complicated at the outset. But it can be untangled. It takes a long time.
My guess is that you're going through the experience of writing all of it down and then thinking wow. Really? I did that? This makes me sound like a ridiculously horrible person. There must be another way I can write this that I don't sound like such a...
I know because I did that. In fact, to date I have never written my whole story out here. I don't post much. But. I have gotten, as they say, a crapton of education and support from this place.
So breathe. Read. Proceed with valor and conviction.
Welcome to SI from a fellow EvolvingSoul.
Digging our way through.
I know it does not make it better, but i never met anyone in person
If it doesn't make it better, it's probably best not to use it in the conversation. Right now you're in a breach of trust so deep that you cannot possibly expect your BW to believe you. Defending yourself has to be shelved right now. She has a broken heart that was shattered and delicately taped back together when you met her.
Right now, it's about ownership and remorse, not "It could have been worse."
I'm glad you are posting here. Please do the right thing and humble yourself to what has happened.
ETA: Better for the conversation = truth. Truth and compassion for your BW are the only possible things that can "help" at this point.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:32 AM, July 14th (Monday)]
Take care you don't make minimizing statements like that. It discounts the very real pain she is feeling.
"Babe! I didn't stab you with a knife! It was only a fork!"
Doesn't matter. Point is, she was stabbed. Ya know?
I know it does not make it better, but i never met anyone in person
If you knew it didn't make it better, then why the need to point it out?
I believe you know the depth of what you did right?
So what is going on with the need to defend and justify?
Welcome. It's good that you're posting. It might take awhile to be able to dig deep, but it's the only way to figure things out.
I agree with the other poster...humility is good. You're going to need lots of it.
Keep posting, keep digging.
I just want to point something out real quick. We're on the same side of the fence. We have been were you are right now. So the anger and fear and defense stuff? We've BTDT. The questions that you are being asked, they're terrifying. Totally get that. The waywards here can smell BS a mile off. So when you are questioned, I humbly suggest you slow down. Think. Really work thru it. Nobody here wants to bully you. They're here to help.
This is so much deeper than job searching online. It's so much deeper than missing med doses.
So you were online, trying to find a job. Think about your thought process then. How did it get from filling out applications to sending pics of your junk to randoms? I mean be honest, that's quite a leap, don't you think?
Whether she confirmed or denied, doesn't change what you already know. But can I point something out? You know how you feel with her denying she hurt you? She feels the same way when you say, "Well I didn't actually meet anyone!" Hurts doesn't it?
I think sharing all your story would be very helpful.
I currently hold a black eye, bruised arm, and swollen face in which she just denied doing.
Your BS is assaulting you? Has she calmed down? Emotions can run very high. But tread carefully you will need to take care of yourself. Your wife is going to be angry, and rightfully so. But continued assault needs to end. if it cannot you may need a little cool down time out.
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
trying to get calmed down and back to the reason I am here
What is the reason you are here? So far all I have seen you do is deflect things onto your wife. Talk about you and what you have done, not her and what she has done, is doing , or is not doing.
So that means you can't shit us, because we are the shitters.
Bottom line, if you're in physical danger, call 911 or get out. Your BW is devastated, angry, crushed, as you would be if she did what you did. Who knows how you would have reacted. But, this isn't about her, it's about you. So, stop being snarky and mopey and get to it.
You weren't specific about what you did but we get the idea. You have poor coping skills, things got tough and you did unthinkable, despicable things. What do you plan to do to fix this? How will you show your BW that you are a safe person again? What are you doing to manage your depression?
These are the things you need to look at.
You know, you don't have to R. If you're done, I'm sure you are more than welcome to hit that door. You aren't choiceless.
However, if you do want R, you're going to have to do some work. That includes whatever conditions your wife has in place. It also includes you needing to filet your soul open and working on the really ugly bits of you.
Either way, you have choices. You don't "have" to be the bad guy. You can leave and not deal with the hurt and heartache. But don't say you love her and want to stay, and continue to be a drama queen. It adds insult to injury.
What do you want SIS?
I suspect that behind your defensiveness is embarrassment. I suspect that you are not only ashamed of what you did but embarrassed that so many people know about it. But as others have said upthread, welcome to the club. We've all been there. You're in a protected forum further protected by a stop sign icon. You will only receive responses from those of us who have been there, done that. Soooo...no need for defensiveness and blameshifting.
I am sorry your wife resorted to slapping you around. That was wrong, and I'm sure she knows it. That's a totally separate issue from your infidelity though. You can only control yourself and YOUR behavior.
Divorced and remarried to XBH
First child (daughter) born February 2016