SelfishHusband's sig line:
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
SH, give this some thought - your BW went through a full year of R, the pain, the fear that she was still being lied to, the giving of trust no matter how hard it may be, the hard inner battle to stay or to leave, all of it, and then was hit with another DDay, this time with her friend.
She is now only 3 months from that second, and I imagine far more crushing - if that's possible - blow, and you're here saying you wish she would be more 'reassuring'. Forgive me, but where is her reassurance? Where does she get to know with certainty that a third blow isn't just around the corner? Where is her security?
I just wish she would be a little more affectionate and reassuring, but I get why she can't.
Gently, no, I don't think you do. If you did 'get it', these thoughts about her being more reassuring wouldn't even exist. I'm not saying you wouldn't vocalize them. I'm saying they wouldn't exist. It takes a while for many WSs to 'get it', and some never do. Right now, it seems as if you can logically understand it, but you don't 'get it'. Remorse vs. Regret kind of thing.
Regarding her music - just as the song by Queen made you feel something, and many songs make you feel something, these songs make her feel something. I was a big Seether fan after DDay. I had quite a list of music, all about betrayal, hatred, pain, etc. It was all I could listen to, for a variety of reasons. First, just as the song by Queen seemed to fit your situation to you, these songs 'fit' for her. They're singing what she's feeling. Second, there is nothing in these lyrics that will make her trigger. No love songs, no lines that she knows were said between you and OW, no situations where someone is missing someone else, etc. These are 'safe' songs. Third, she knows you can hear them. She probably wants you to know that this is how she feels. My H would make comments in the form of jokes about my angry music. I didn't care. To me, that meant he knew that's where my head was, and I was glad he knew the anger and pain he'd brought me. Do I know your W shares these feelings? Nope - not at all. These feelings were true for me, and they may be true for your BW.
For most BSs, the 'healing timeframe guideline' is 2 to 5 years. Now, I know that everyone is different, and some heal much faster and some much slower, but I would imagine that if one DDay puts a person at 2 years, knowing that the WS was cheating while watching the BS go through that incredibly hard year 1 would add significant time to that. Part of why I started to feel 'safe' again with my H (ignoring any current situations) was that he saw all of the pain he'd created and he was willing (usually) to let me vent, yell, cry, stare into space, listen to very angry music, whatever I needed. I felt that now that he'd seen that pain, that devastation, it would be so much harder for him to once again become a WS. If I had found out just after my first Antiversary that he was once again cheating, after witnessing my pain and struggles that his cheating had caused, I would feel extremely unimportant to my H, and very unsafe, and the last thing on my mind would be reassuring him.
I want to say again - this is me. I'm only speaking for me. I don't know your entire story, I don't have insight into your BW's mind. I only offer my feelings so that you might understand a little more what she may be feeling or thinking.
I have a lot of hope for you and your M SH. Your BW is understandably keeping her distance emotionally, but she is there. All infidelity needs not only remorse, NC, transparency and understanding to heal - it needs time. There are things that simply cannot be rushed through. I won't say that you need patience, because you can have all the patience in the world, but if you don't 'get it', your R will be filled with frustrations and unmet expectations.
I know you're waiting for the 'magic post', and I know you know logically that it doesn't exist. I do wonder if emotionally you are aware of this. Your post sounds like you are hoping for some magic turn-around from your BW. VERY respectfully, I think she may be waiting for the same from you.
My husband tried an exercise, and said it helped him, so I'll post it here. If you like it or think it may offer some assistance, fantastic. If not, no harm no foul:
Each time you're wondering about the state of your relationship, feeling anxious about her mood and how your night/morning/afternoon will go, or wanting her to reassure you, stop everything else and try, really try, to imagine what that moment looks like to your BW. What does she see and/or feel based on the history of the M, the As, recent events and discussions where she may have opened up a little more, etc. Shut everything else out - your wants, the other events that are happening, day to day life, all of it - and just try to feel what she's feeling.
I really hope your M continues to move forward SH. I've been reading a lot of your posts, and while you're still learning and finding your way (and who on this planet isn't right? ) I get the feeling when I read your words that you really are willing to be the H your BW needs and that you're willing to do whatever is necessary to save your M.
SH (and all other WSs) - I know I say this a lot in this forum, but I want to say again - nothing I've written here is meant to be judgmental or critical. All of my posts, particularly in the WS forum, are written with the hope that a different perspective might help someone move forward on their journey. If anything I've written has hurt or triggered anyone, BS or WS, I sincerely apologize.