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Pouring my heart out

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whymewhyus posted 7/14/2014 15:27 PM

I have posted multiple times today so I apologize if that's an excessive amount. I am so incredibly angry today at WH. I pour my heart out to SI and have such good support on here, more than what I'm getting from WH. He left work early today to get a spider bite checked out and text me a few times acting like NOTHING happened last night. We didn't have sex (everything but that, sorry if TMI but I wanna be honest). And afterwards he didn't have much to say. Just laid there. I asked him if he thought we were gonna be okay in the end and he said he doesn't know but he guesses for another day. He's such a sarcastic asshole sometimes. This morning we had a blow up and he left for work all pissed. Well then he texts me and said he will be an hour later than normal because of the time he missed this morning at work, I guess. So I'm freaking out thinking that the OW will be around (they work together but NC has been established as far as I know) and I am just scared to death that he's gonna meet or talk to her. I have GPS on his phone so I'll know where he's at but if we're not in true R yet, does this even matter? Should I even worry about it and waste my time checking the GPS and freaking out? It can consume so much of my time :( I am so frustrated with him and it's like my feelings are being thrown about how he wants. I want true R and he said he did but he's also thrown in there that he isn't attracted to me but I think it's a bunch of bs. I just want to shake him and kick him in his man hood and scream and tell him what he is doing to me is killing me!! It absolutely is. He doesn't get it. Sometimes I don't even want to be around him and other times I desire him so deeply. I feel like one second I'm fed up and then the next I'm ready to let him walk all over me. I am going through the motions right now and in major limbo and it's freaking the hell out of me. Why me... Why us. This sucks. I just want my husband and life back.

[This message edited by whymewhyus at 3:30 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

tfkeel posted 7/14/2014 16:11 PM

I am so frustrated with him and it's like my feelings are being thrown about how he wants.

Exactly. The longer you stay "attached" to him, the longer your feelings will get thrown around.

That's why you should not waste your time "checking up" on him. You can't build a wall high enough if he wants out.

He doesn't get it.

Until he does "get it", you will have false R.

Isn't it a better plan to "detach" from him, and if he ever does "get it", and you are still available when he does, consider R then?

norabird posted 7/14/2014 16:13 PM

He doesn't get it because he isn't remorseful. This is why you need to do the 180. He has all the power right now. You are begging him to make things right, thus showing that you are already committed to staying; so he thinks he can keep you on the fence and cake-eat.

Dig deep and find your strength. don;t sleep in the same bed with him--he can take the bed. Ignore him and start getting your ducks in a row. If he sees you pulling back, maybe he'll wake up; either way you'll be in a better position. The desire for him is normal (hysterical boning is the term for him), and I know it's hard to think straight on this rollercoaster, but that's why detaching is the only way for you to start seeing more clearly.

You can do this. But you have to stop looking for him to make things better. It's not going to work. You can't nice him back or wish him into R.

1Faith posted 7/14/2014 16:44 PM

Of course you are hurt and confused. This is perfectly normal.

Of course you love and hate him at the same time. Again, perfectly normal.

As others have said. Your WH is not remorseful. He has not established NC with the OW, IMO, if they are working together. She is still in his life in some capacity.

You can't have a true R with your WH not committing to NC and being spiteful and treating you a like a yo-yo. He wants the marriage, he's unsure. He's not attracted to you but he wants to fool around. Heartless manipulation.

No amount of you being nice, loving him, making love to him, etc. is going to bring him back.

He has to want the marriage as much, if not more than you do. Especially right now. As a WS he should be doing EVERYTHING to reassure you that he loves you and wants to be with you. If he is not, then there is little chance his behavior is going to change. (((sorry)))

He continues to act in a passive aggressive manner because he can. There are no consequences expect for hurting you further. His comments are spiteful and asinine. Please don't put up with him being mean to you anymore. Don't allow him to treat you this way.

Someone else had posted the following and I though it would be good to share with you.

Ask yourself , Am I the only one putting energy into this relationship? If so you are definitely codependent and setting yourself up to be abused emotionally. You cannot make the marriage work with someone else who’s not. You need and deserve a partner, which means they give to you as much as you give to them. There is no couple when only one person is putting forth any effort.

You can't be the only one working toward trying to save your marriage, especially when his actions are what shattered it to begin with.

Now is about YOU. What you will and will not tolerate.

See an attorney, know your rights. Knowledge is power. Remember if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Good luck and big hugs...

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:50 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

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