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TheIrishGirl posted 7/14/2014 15:32 PM

Have you or would you ask WS to explain to you what happened? I'm 3 mos out from DDay and believe I have a pretty good grasp on everything from what I read and the questions I've asked. But I'd like to ask WH to tell me what happened as though he were confessing and I didn't yet know anything. If/when we begin MC I would want for him to the the one to explain what brought us there, so maybe I just want a preview?

I'm essentially looking to hear the whole thing laid out in the way he has it framed in his head. I know it won't change anything. Maybe I want to hear him say it to have it all be from him rather than my discovery. Maybe I want him to have to think hard about it, and spit it all out (or write it if that would be his preference).

Has anybody done this? Does it sound like I'm looking for an opportunity to pick his words apart? A way to make him relive some of the pain? A way to better understand how he thinks/feels about it? A weird version of pain shopping?

I'm sure it would be a somewhat painful exercise for him, and likely for me also, but I've been thinking about it for a week or so, and it seems like conventional wisdom is that if you can't get a question out of your head you should ask it.

isthismynewlife posted 7/14/2014 15:47 PM

I had my H do this. Two ways - first was a "do-over" of when I confronted him (trying to rewrite my brain some after the response he gave me on DDay) and the other was him telling me the story of his affair. Both of these were just in the last few weeks. The re-doing of DDay was helpful, for both of us. For him his reaction is one that haunts him when he looks back, so now saying the things he really believes he should have then has been beneficial to both of us. Having him tell me his affair story wasn't near as helpful. It gave me (for the first time since all the info of the A I had found on my own and then dragged the details out of him) a full rundown of it from crossing the friend boundary all the way to the continued communication after DDay. But I really didn't get anything out of it. We are 7 mos out and he is remorseful and disgusted by his actions so his story telling was very detached and almost clinical - I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't that. But it didn't make anything worse so I don't regret trying it.

[This message edited by isthismynewlife at 3:48 PM, July 14th, 2014 (Monday)]

tfkeel posted 7/14/2014 15:49 PM

It is his responsibility to DELIVER what you need in order to move onward.

That is, if he wants to save his marriage.

If your motive is to ascertain what you need to move onward, then it is a proper request for you to make.

I didn't ask anything like this of my fWW. She was intent upon calling it my fault and evading responsibility for it, saying "it just happened" and "it was only a fly-by-night thing".

I knew it was pointless to ask. I would only get a dissertation on how bad I was as a husband which had nothing to do with why she had affairs.

Ostrich80 posted 7/14/2014 18:38 PM

I totally get what your saying. I want it to. Start to finish, just tell me the story. I think we have a right to know and its not an unreasonable request. If your asking questions and he answers, there may be things you don't know to ask about. Just the story and its entirety, please

LifeIsBroken posted 7/14/2014 18:56 PM

I did ask this of my xh because I had to know what I was dealing with / up against. We sat down in two separate 'sessions' because, you know, it was just so 'painful' for him. In retrospect, I think he enjoyed reliving all the so-called joy of the affair, both emotional and sexual, even though he sometimes acted like it pained him. When I asked a question, I expected an answer and usually got one. Not necessarily the truth, but an answer. What he thought was so special appeared to me as cheap sex. I could recover from the cheap sex. What I could not live with were the continued lies, cheating, theft, disrespect of me, of our daughters (whom he lied to immensely), did I mention the continued lying & cheating ? That is what ended 35 years of marriage.

Mac4 posted 7/14/2014 21:20 PM

Irish,

I think you are asking for two things here. The timeline of the A, and the "why". Both are common things that the BS want to hear from their WS and very reasonable to ask.

TheIrishGirl posted 7/15/2014 05:52 AM

Thanks for your thoughts. I asked him to do it for me last night. I think it was mostly like isthismynewlife's re-write of history. It didn't change anything (I didn't think it would) but it felt good to hear.

I do already have a timeline, and that really helps me keep my head straight in terms of knowing what I'm working with. He didn't seem particularly pained to 'confess' but I did see a lot of humility.

HighlandPaddy posted 7/15/2014 07:20 AM

I think its a great exercise for you both. It gives him a chance to lay it all out there and show true remorse. In turn it gives you a chance to hear the whole story in his words.
Only advice that I'd give is to let him finish. As much as you may want to interject, hold it in and let him get the whole story out there.
Its an impossible conversations to have, and I wish you didn't have to have it....

Gman1 posted 7/15/2014 07:35 AM

I think most people want to know the details of what happened and should feel free to ask as many questions as they may need. I know that sometimes I would have something that was important for me and I would ask about it and then re-ask weeks or months later in a slightly different way. This would allow me to fully understand so that I could digest the information and it also allowed me to make sure she was telling the truth by her telling me the same answer twice. Sometimes, I simply could not understand a certain point or I was unclear about her answer and this would always lead to me asking about it again later. It is very important that the WS always have time to answer questions.

As for the "why's" that is a little harder to wrap your head around. My MC told me that I may never get an answer that seems completely understandable to me for the why. He also told me that affairs are illogical acts and we try to use logic to understand. But many times there is no logical answer to something so illogical and that we may have to accept the fact that we may never fully understand how or why a WS could ever do what they have chosen to do.

10yearsafter posted 7/15/2014 08:05 AM

I asked my fWW to tell me the timeline and she did. It was painful for her I could see she felt ashamed throughout the whole story.

I believe she was truthful as best as she could remember. Each time she came to a date where she met OM at a motel she would break down. I know it was painful and maybe it should have been. It helped me a great deal.

The lying and planning and scheming and neglecting our teenage daughter was just so horrible. I had to hear it from her and she needed to confess.

I could tell that when she was telling me where she was and what she was doing that the realization of what an awful thing she had done set in.

The whole thing was helpful for both of us. She lied and TT on both Ddays so she had the chance to tell the truth. Kind of a do over.

She never was able to answer the why. She said she was unhappy. But that is not the why. Ten years later and I still don't have an answer for that.