I guess it just feels this time around of being in protective mode feels a bit more sinister. It has a different feeling.
For a year I have been communicating to my H that I needed responses to my emails, I really longed to see him searching, reading, starting conversations. It was me needing to see urgency in him. Now, after a lengthy discussion last week where all of this was reiterated and I know he can't possibly, in any way, say he doesn't know or understand my point of view,
I still don't get responses and have seen no evidence of any searching, reading etc. on his part and no conversations started by him on subjects I specified.
No matter how affectionate and loving he is, no matter how many times he has wept in my presence, cried with and for me and held me when I was hurting, this lack of proactive behavior makes my heart sink. The longer it goes on the more I feel that feeling that this doesn't take precedence. I don't get that 'come hell or high water...I'd cross hot coals, walk on broken glass, swim the deepest sea for you, feeling. It's mainly all responsive actions.
Allow everything to be what it is, in its confused state,
until some light appears.
I was hoping that 'light' would be seeing him make those changes and mean it: want to communicate back when I pour my heart out in an email, want to dig in and read and research and soak up everything he could to help me, to help himself and us, for HIM to start conversations.
Now, I feel like if I admit to myself that he's knowingly, purposefully (or at least despite knowing) NOT done these things then I'll have to admit that he really doesn't have the same urgency for my healing, his healing and our future that I do. This is why now feels different and why now I am extra sad that this appears to be my reality.
I got upset with him again a day or so ago for, once again (after our conversation), not responding to an email and he, once again, gave some reason why he didn't. When I brought up his new insight and verbalized commitment to do better he tells me he has been reading on SI. The thing is, he never told me. I don't know if it was one 5 min. reading session or a daily thing but, knowing how important it is to me I don't understand why he wouldn't tell me if it was truly a new thing he is trying to do to help.
I want to feel better. I NEED to. This just isn't cutting it. I wish everything else could be enough. It's what's lacking that hurts the most and thus the reason I feel so much more afraid to HOPE now. Without hope what is there? Reality. And, you know what they say about reality.