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I don't know if this is a phase, part of the process, or what it is.
For a while now I've found myself feeling really afraid to hope for the intimate, honest, mutually motivated relationship that I really want. At first, the sum total of my experience was the deepest sadness and hurt I've ever felt in my life and anxiety like I've never know. Anxiety about everything pretty much. I went back and forth from pulling away to feeling really close to my H, a closeness we'd never had before. Then I started to feel the pressure of protecting the future and the fear that the urgency was not felt equally between us. The lack of urgency (and a new dday from 20 years ago, a drunken kiss) has me reeling. While he shows me love and attention, gives me affection and tries to comfort me when I cry I almost feel like I've been invaded by this enemy of hope. I am afraid to believe he'll come through. I'm afraid to be vulnerable. I'm afraid habits that are not congruent with intimacy will be formed in the meantime. I just feel like my brain is trying to handle too much at once; healing, watching and analyzing, trying to be the me I want to be in the relatiinship, dealing with mind movies and the new recent confirmation that I (my feelings, thoughts of me) didnt even factor into his betrayals. Its all so confusing.

These emotions sound very much to be expected. It is normal to have these ups and downs. Allow everything to be what it is, in its confused state, until some light appears. The pressure to know the answers actually delays things. You are right to be afraid, express that to your husband and to trusted others, because it is important information. Honour the parts of you that need to be cautious, and the parts that need closeness. It's all part of the process.

Thank you for reading and replying Katydo.. I do appreciate your response.

I guess it just feels this time around of being in protective mode feels a bit more sinister. It has a different feeling.

For a year I have been communicating to my H that I needed responses to my emails, I really longed to see him searching, reading, starting conversations. It was me needing to see urgency in him. Now, after a lengthy discussion last week where all of this was reiterated and I know he can't possibly, in any way, say he doesn't know or understand my point of view,
I still don't get responses and have seen no evidence of any searching, reading etc. on his part and no conversations started by him on subjects I specified.
No matter how affectionate and loving he is, no matter how many times he has wept in my presence, cried with and for me and held me when I was hurting, this lack of proactive behavior makes my heart sink. The longer it goes on the more I feel that feeling that this doesn't take precedence. I don't get that 'come hell or high water...I'd cross hot coals, walk on broken glass, swim the deepest sea for you, feeling. It's mainly all responsive actions.

Allow everything to be what it is, in its confused state,
until some light appears.

I was hoping that 'light' would be seeing him make those changes and mean it: want to communicate back when I pour my heart out in an email, want to dig in and read and research and soak up everything he could to help me, to help himself and us, for HIM to start conversations.
Now, I feel like if I admit to myself that he's knowingly, purposefully (or at least despite knowing) NOT done these things then I'll have to admit that he really doesn't have the same urgency for my healing, his healing and our future that I do. This is why now feels different and why now I am extra sad that this appears to be my reality.
I got upset with him again a day or so ago for, once again (after our conversation), not responding to an email and he, once again, gave some reason why he didn't. When I brought up his new insight and verbalized commitment to do better he tells me he has been reading on SI. The thing is, he never told me. I don't know if it was one 5 min. reading session or a daily thing but, knowing how important it is to me I don't understand why he wouldn't tell me if it was truly a new thing he is trying to do to help.
I want to feel better. I NEED to. This just isn't cutting it. I wish everything else could be enough. It's what's lacking that hurts the most and thus the reason I feel so much more afraid to HOPE now. Without hope what is there? Reality. And, you know what they say about reality.

(((FixYou71))) I'm sorry you are struggling. You can't change your husband. He has to do it. Try to find other things to do that you know will bring you happiness or fulfillment. That may make you feel better than focusing on what he isn't doing. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

Burntashes, thank you...for the kind words and the virtual hug.

FixYou71 - I feel the same way as you do. I have told my WS over and over what I need. I need him to apologize and to do it often. He has done it once in the last 6 weeks. I need him to talk to me about his betrayals. I want him to start the conversation. He hasn't done that more then twice in 17 months. Read some of the material we have in the house to help both of us reach some kind of a place where we both can start to recover. He has read, maybe 10 pages several months ago. I know why he doesn't do most of this stuff. A lot of it is just laziness on his part. And he doesn't want to talk about the affairs because of what it might do to my mood. Just yesterday when I asked him a question, he answered and then said, "I don't want to talk about OW" to which, I just replied "tough". He understands that he can't not talk about her if that is what I need to do.
But, it just so discouraging. They are there if we break down and hold us to help us through a crying jag but they will not be proactive while we try to work through this horrible situation that THEY created. But really, they just want to forget it. It's over for them. But, it is not over for us. Not by a long shot.

Devastated30, Yes. Very much like you described.