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BrokenButTrying posted 7/14/2014 17:27 PM

There's a rumour within MrBBT's family that he cheated on me with a guy.

It's a long and complicated story but it boils down to this: MrBBT has been accused of kissing his brother's boyfriend while very drunk a few years ago.
This accusation comes from MrBBT's brother who was there that night. MrBBT is not the only one, apparently MrBBT's brother in law also kissed the boyfriend too.

Everyone is furious, saying that it's false. MrBBT, BIL and the boyfriend are all denying it. Why is it only coming out now? MrBBT's brother has severe depression and mental health issues, he's very unstable but he's never lied before, he doesn't make stuff up.
He is still with the boyfriend, surely he wouldn't watch his partner kiss his brother and his brother in law and just be fine with it, not mention it for years knowing they are both married with children?

I don't know what to think.

Cheated for the 4th time? 3rd Dday? Or his brother being spiteful and trying to cause drama to distract from his recent suicide attempt?

authenticnow posted 7/14/2014 17:29 PM

Why not ask Mr BBT to take a polygraph?

ETA Mr BBT's family sound like a bunch of drama llamas and toxic to your M. Can you take some distance from them?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:31 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

BrokenButTrying posted 7/14/2014 17:33 PM

We don't do polygraph's much over here, we don't have the same faith in them. It wouldn't satisfy me, whatever the outcome I'd doubt the result.

I'm trying to listen to my gut but the whole family is in uproar. It's hard to stop turning it all over in my mind.

authenticnow posted 7/14/2014 17:38 PM

Even if you didn't plan on doing one, his reaction might be telling.

Can you tell the family to stop talking to you about it, it's none of their business, and just have a quiet, away from everybody else, conversation with your H about it?

BrokenButTrying posted 7/14/2014 17:49 PM

Yeah I think I'm going to ask if we can turn off our phones, Facebook etc and just sit and talk.

He came to me with this. He came home from work and told me what was going on and what being said. I appreciate that I heard it from him rather than his family.

His family don't know about either of our A's but I definitely feel we need to enforce a boundary with them and tell them to back off and let us deal with it by ourselves.

cissi posted 7/14/2014 17:50 PM

What were the circumstances surrounding this alleged kiss by your husband and the brother-in-law? I mean, I could see a bunch of guys together drinking and then just getting silly and planting one on the guy. What kind of kiss? And where were they when this all took place? Both guys are accused of this at the same gathering? I think I would need more details of the whole thing before I could judge the situation.

[This message edited by cissi at 5:52 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

BrokenButTrying posted 7/14/2014 18:06 PM

They were all at the sister/BIL's house.
MrBBT, his brother (G), G's boyfriend (R) and the brother in law (L).

MrBBT and L have both been accused of kissing R.

MrBBT's sister was out with her friends for the evening, guys had been drinking a lot. I remember the evening, I was out with my own family and MrBBT was very hungover the next day. There has always been jokes about how that's the drunkest any of them have ever been.

Apparently it was a proper kiss, tongues and everything.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/14/2014 18:31 PM

Oh man BBT. This is a tough one for sure. What does your gut say? You know these people the best. They sound like they are all a mess. Has there been any sign, any inkling what-so-ever, that MrBBT could possibly even dabble with men?

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/14/2014 18:47 PM

BBT, what if it's true?

Let's say it turns out, Mr. BBT got totally wasted and kissed a man. He may not even remember it.

Now what?

BrokenButTrying posted 7/15/2014 00:49 AM

I've never had even the slightest suspicion that he was interested in guys. But I've read enough on here to know that doesn't mean much, lots of people are completely blindsided by revelations about their spouse's sexuality.

If it's true and I'm 100% honest with myself, it's not a deal breaker. Cheating isn't a deal breaker for me. It's how he handles it that matters. If he rugsweeps it, ignores it, gets defensive etc then I can't stay.

BrokenButTrying posted 7/15/2014 17:28 PM

We talked. He talked A LOT about how it was so ridiculous that his brother in law had been accused, how his sister must be feeling, about his brother's motivations for making this accusation, but he didn't actually confirm or deny if he had kissed the guy.

So I asked him outright. His response was "oh yeah, I was kissing him all night" said in a sarcastic tone.

I didn't respond for a long time then I just said 'ok'. To say he was furious is an understatement. He was really angry that I had the audacity to ask. I tried to explain that it was his lack of boundaries and wayward behaviour that made complete trust impossible so I had to ask. But it fell on deaf ears.

To cut a long story short, he disappeared off to the gym and then back to his place. We didn't talk for a while then I called to see if he was ok, had calmed down etc. He beat around the bush for a few minutes 'I'm fine' and 'just forget about it' then he revealed he was in a bad place (which is his way of saying he's thinking about my A) and he didn't want to talk to me.

This is a complete head fuck.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/15/2014 17:44 PM

Hi BBT, as an outsider that has been following your story, I'm inclined to think that he did kiss that guy. Here's why:

Based on his past behaviors, I believe he shifts anything that is negative about himself and changes the topic to you and what you f'd up rather than acknowledging what he has done wrong. In other words, deflect to your shit rather than own his own shit. Maybe I'm wrong but he has a history of this correct?

Secondly, he's probably embarrassed about it so shift topic back to you again.

Third, if he truly has nothing to hide, I believe most people, would have said no when you flat out asked him point blank. When someone asks me a question like that point blank I know they mean business so no matter what the question is or how preposterous the question may be, I answer the question. I believe most people would do the same. He didn't do that here.

Fourth, when a conversation is not going his way, which I don't think this one was, he has a tendency to hoover you. That ties into my first statement as well. He calmed down to pull you back in as long as he didn't have to own his own shit.

Maybe he did maybe he didn't. I don't "know" him and I could be wrong BBT. My gut says otherwise based on what you have posted in the past.

What does your gut tell you?

I'm very sorry you are back to posting under f'd up circumstances again.


BrokenButTrying posted 7/15/2014 17:54 PM

You're normally right, YOP!
He just can't over ride the defensiveness can he. He's too scared.

I'm angry with myself that I'm not saying I'm done.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/15/2014 18:03 PM

It's certainly a tough topic. And the fact that he is showing fear is pretty good indicator of what is going on. This isn't an OW we are talking about here. This is something that calls his sexuality into question. I believe for most people, no matter how drunk they get, there is no way they are making out with a member of the same sex. This instance not only calls him out on his waywardness, it calls into question many things he may or may not believe in himself. Lots of inner turmoil I'm sure. That's if he did really kiss that guy.

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself over this one BBT. You personally have made huge steps forward in your own healing and have made many steps forward together in other areas. This MAY be something he's not willing to take a look at about himself.

Give yourself a bit of time, or however much time you think you need, and let yourself have a think on it. See how the next two days go. This is a doozy and should allow for more time. It's not like it's another OW. See how his reactions progress over the next few days. See if you can cajole or coax him out on it a bit if you can. If he continues to rug sweep, you have your answer.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 6:04 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

BrokenButTrying posted 7/15/2014 18:10 PM

Give yourself a bit of time, or however much time you think you need, and let yourself have a think on it. See how the next two days go. This is a doozy and should allow for more time. It's not like it's another OW. See how his reactions progress over the next few days. See if you can cajole or coax him out on it a bit if you can. If he continues to rug sweep, you have your answer.

You're absolutely right. I don't need to make a decision now. I don't have to be done right this minute. Keep calm and see how things play out. I have options and control of myself.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/15/2014 18:20 PM

Right! You can do this

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