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Retaliation affair

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HighlandPaddy posted 7/14/2014 17:49 PM

The other day my wife tried to explain her recent affair. She did this by sending me an email with an article talking about retaliation affairs. Her next response was that she is not a tit-for-tat kind of person, and what she did wasn't retaliation for what I had done, but her affair may have been something like this....does anyone have any experience with this?

FixYou71 posted 7/15/2014 01:04 AM

No experience but as Dr. Phil says you can't fix problems in a marriage by going outside the marriage.

Ostrich80 posted 7/15/2014 01:52 AM

If she did it for that reason, to get even, it still is just an excuse. If that is even true. Could be she saw the article and said ahhh, this sounds like a good justification....wrong answer.
Could have been the thing that let her give herself permission to an already budding inappropriate R, kind of like an ahh yea I'm just paying him back, that sounds good.

HighlandPaddy posted 7/15/2014 11:26 AM

I had an predominantly EA (I kissed the OW once) over 2.5 years ago. I have been truly remorseful and pouring my entire self into ever since. Even my wife agrees with that statement....since I discovered her PA/EA she has said that she is sorry, but dont expect the same passion that I gave because she is stil hurting from what I did 2.5 years ago...just keeps blaming me. And she tells me last night, that I'd better not try to reverse roles on her, that she is still the betrayed spouse!
Then goes on to defend herself saying how they were just friends who accidentally crossed lines??(Oh his penis accidentally fell in your mouth?? or you accidentally climbed into the backseat of OUR car and hooked up like teenagers??)

FixYou71 posted 7/16/2014 22:29 PM

Nope. That's not gonna work. Yes. You still have WS work to do. Now, so does she. She cannot rugsweep, write off of excuse ANY of that A behavior. She ought to know better. I'm sorry. No excuses.
So what are your plans going forward?

[This message edited by FixYou71 at 10:30 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

StillGoing posted 7/16/2014 22:55 PM

And she tells me last night, that I'd better not try to reverse roles on her, that she is still the betrayed spouse!

She may still be a BS, but she is now also a WS, and you are now also a BS. She cheated, you are betrayed. Her reasons for it are just as shitty as yours were.

You may want to look into the madhatter thread in ICR.

HighlandPaddy posted 7/23/2014 07:57 AM

This morning my wife and I were talking and she said to me that she is not as deeply remorseful as I am because what I did to her was worse than what she did to me.
She used the example of

If I punched a friend bc I was angry and lost my temper, I would feel horrible and beg for forgiveness; swear to never do it again. If the friend had hit me first; while I would still feel bad for my actions, I would not feel nearly as bad.

but what she did was not retaliation, right?

Brandon808 posted 7/23/2014 08:05 AM

And she tells me last night, that I'd better not try to reverse roles on her, that she is still the betrayed spouse!

Answer..."I know, because you made me a betrayed spouse too."

If I punched a friend bc I was angry and lost my temper, I would feel horrible and beg for forgiveness swear to never do it again. If the friend had hit me first while I would still feel bad for my actions, I would not feel nearly as bad.

Answer..."So you basically just admitted it was done to deliberately inflict pain. And by the way, if I've been hit then I now know how bad it hurts. So when I turn around and give the punch I cannot pretend for one second to be ignorant of how pain it will cause."

Bottom line is that your WW is trying to pretend she isn't a WW still only holds the status of a BW.

Final answer..."Nothing you did made me do anything. I chose and I chose wrong. So did you. Any other answer is you trying to shift blame and not accept responsibility for your actions."

heme posted 7/23/2014 08:05 AM

Shes looking for excuses and minimizing her behavior. Having been betrayed the LAST THING in the world I would do is betray my husband. I would never put another through the pain that comes with an affair. To me it shows how broken someone really is to carry out an affair after being betrayed.

I would suggest telling her that its no excuse. There is no excuse that minimizes or makes an affair the "right" thing to do. Divorce if you can't deal with it but as long as you are married you should not look for anything outside of the marriage for any reason.

HighlandPaddy posted 7/23/2014 09:49 AM

Thank you both.
Its just brutal trying to reason with her...and I dont know how it happens but everytime we get into this discussion about this topic, by the time we are done I'm apologizing again for my actions from 2.5 years ago...I'm a dolt.

Badhurt posted 7/23/2014 10:50 AM

Why are you reasoning with her. Correct me if I am wrong, when you posted your other threads wasn't she refusing to break contact with OM.

If that is the case, I'm not sure you need to be discussing anything with her. The affair has to stop, and you have to believe that, before any discussions begin

seethelight posted 7/23/2014 10:57 AM

Paddy:

I just read your profile.

In it you mention your wife had a Physical affair 13 years ago. Am I reading right?

If I read right, in that respect your emotional affair was the revenge affair.

And, now her SECOND PHYSICAL AFFAIR, seems like a tit for tat affair.

This is serious stuff, Paddy.

Did you guys rugsweep her first PA?

PrtyInPink posted 7/23/2014 12:15 PM

does anyone have any experience with this?

I am in the very very early stages of something similar. I had an EA 5 years ago, confessed to BH about it. From what I gather, he went out and had a PA with someone within the following year or two after my confession. I just found out about his PA less than two weeks ago. I have not talked to him fully about everything but from what he has told me, we are now "even". So yes, I supposed what my WH did is retaliation. But in my eyes, it was just an excuse to go out and F someone without having any repercussions for it.

Razor posted 7/23/2014 12:20 PM

In one sense I think ALL affairs are retaliation affairs. because our WS have to give themself some kind of justification for what they want to do.

Our faults are magnified. some faults are even created out of thin air.

IMO many WS need to justify their choice to cheat so in their own minds they are not the *bad guy*. so they find a was to demonize us then retaliate with a affair.

Just my opinion of course. YMMV.

PrtyInPink posted 7/23/2014 12:24 PM

by the time we are done I'm apologizing again for my actions from 2.5 years ago

Yes, I can totally relate. A few days after I found out about WH's PA, I found myself apologizing for him still being in pain. I said "I am so sorry that you have been hurting all these years from what I did". I actually cannot have contact with WH because of a court order due to him having an extreme anger outburst and me calling the cops on him. BUT I have made a decision to NOT apologize anymore. I went through hell for 2 years while he was going out every weekend and getting wasted, talking to numerous females, treating me like shit, you name it, all because I thought it was my punishment for having an EA. It is not MY fault that he didn't seek IC and only went to MC with me a handful of times. So please, do NOT let your WW make you feel like what she did was in any way your fault. She may have been broken and hurting but she should have dealt with that in a different way instead of causing you pain too.

Sal1995 posted 7/23/2014 12:28 PM

Her take on this is complete B.S. She didn't deserve what happened to her, but neither did you. She has absolutely no moral high ground here. If anything, it sounds like her betrayal was much deeper than yours.

IMO you are 100% justified in seeing yourself as a BS and reacting accordingly, whatever that means to you.

seethelight posted 7/23/2014 12:29 PM

In one sense I think ALL affairs are retaliation affairs. because our WS have to give themself some kind of justification for what they want to do.

Our faults are magnified. some faults are even created out of thin air.

IMO many WS need to justify their choice to cheat so in their own minds they are not the *bad guy*. so they find a was to demonize us then retaliate with a affair.

Just my opinion of course. YMMV.

Hmmmm, Razor, I kind of like that hypothesis. It makes sense.

HighlandPaddy posted 7/23/2014 12:41 PM

She did break contact with the OM...the only caveat to that is he is one of the opposing counsels on this big case that she is on and has to see him about twice a month. Its at a big conference table and with other attorneys present...and I'm not ok with that, but have to tolerate it for the time being. We need the money.

seethelight- If we went by my WW logic, then yes my A would've been the retaliation affair. But as my wife states, so much time passed and she believed that we had fully healed from her affair. This is why she so often states that I destroyed this once beautuful relationship. SHe loves to paint this lily white picture of how perfect our marriage was before my A, and how I destroyed everything....She forgets how she F'd someone in our house as I was out working 16 hour shifts trying to keep our family afloat. And of course she is so sorry for what she did BUT she felt so lonely and felt like she had lost me...and a few months after her A, she told me that if I just can't forgive her and move on then I have to let her go...to which she added that I'd never have custody of our son.
I was young, and afraid and I swore that I would never be a weekend Dad. So I sucked it up and moved on....which I believe led me into the trappings of getting emotionally involved with anohter woman.

seethelight posted 7/23/2014 12:48 PM

seethelight- If we went by my WW logic, then yes my A would've been the retaliation affair. But as my wife states, so much time passed and she believed that we had fully healed from her affair. This is why she so often states that I destroyed this once beautuful relationship. SHe loves to paint this lily white picture of how perfect our marriage was before my A, and how I destroyed everything

....She forgets how she F'd someone in our house as I was out working 16 hour shifts trying to keep our family afloat. And of course she is so sorry for what she did BUT she felt so lonely and felt like she had lost me...and a few months after her A, she told me that if I just can't forgive her and move on then I have to let her go...to which she added that I'd never have custody of our son.

Paddy:

You know, as sure as you know the sun will rise every morning, that her attitude is nothing less than BLAMESHIFTING and gaslighting in all it's glory.

She is also rewriting the marital history to completely erase her affair and thus accept any responsibility in marital problems.

Please Paddy, if you are not in IC, please get IC.

Blameshifting and gaslighting can make you feel crazy. You need and IC to sort things out.

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