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Final act of selfishness...

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permanentchange5 posted 7/14/2014 20:15 PM

Is the final act of selfishness, refusing to accept that you should leave, refusing to go quietly. Quietly vowing to be a better father and husband, quietly vowing to do all that can be done to salvage your family even though your spouse states she can never love you again?

I have hurt my wife far too many times. I know what hoovering is. I know the terminology. I know I love her and the boys (kids). I know I want to be a better person...always have. I've taken sincere steps, but not long enough, no applied enough. I want to be more than the sum of my parts so to speak. I need to listen.

However, here we are. My wife has said she cannot love me ever again. I am begging to stay. I am doing all I can for her and our 3 children. I love them, I love her. I know I need help. I am taking all steps to get it.

However, is my final selfish act not making this easy on her and simply leaving for her sake?

I know I love her, but that's just not enough.

No Stop Sign.

EvolvingSoul posted 7/14/2014 20:26 PM

I don't know. Has she asked you to leave?

badchoice posted 7/14/2014 20:30 PM

PC5

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

I can only talk from my experience, and I am not in R...my W told me the only thing that would help her heal was if we S and I moved out. I was selfish in our separation and maintained too much contact, tried to control her, etc. I was unable to put her needs before mine.

It looks like your Dday is about a year ago, does she want space or S and D? What happens after you leave?

Common wisdom is to give the BS what they need to heal, so if space is what she needs, than giving it to her is what's needed. Staying because you want to is selfish.

Sometimes love from one spouse is not enough.

Sorry brother.

permanentchange5 posted 7/14/2014 20:31 PM

No. But only because we have children and she knows this will destroy them. I am a good father to them, though I treated their mother terribly.

Right now she wants to try and find some amicable way to co-exist. She has said as much.

worried_lady posted 7/14/2014 20:32 PM

Ok, from a lady that did leave and was done, completely done. I did not go back so you might not want to hear from me....but

I needed my space. He would not leave me alone. I needed a day without thinking about it all. I needed a day without drama. He would not even honor my feelings then. I needed to be able to breath. You know what her conditions have been. Time for you to walk the path with you head high and show her what you are really made of. If she says no, honor that. Now is the time to do the hard work and become the man she has needed for a long time. Silence can be very powerful if you are spending your days and nights being a man of honor. She might see it, she might not. It is the last chance you have.

Give her space, give her what she asked for. If she then decides maybe things could work she will let you know. My X wouldn't go a day without contact, he smothered me.

Give her space but grow your integrity and walk every step as if it was the one step that would change her mind.

My X proved in his actions when he was away from that what he was telling me was just a bunch of crap, he was still doing everything that broke my heart to begin with. Don't be that guy.

Good luck

permanentchange5 posted 7/14/2014 20:40 PM

PC5

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

I can only talk from my experience, and I am not in R...my W told me the only thing that would help her heal was if we S and I moved out. I was selfish in our separation and maintained too much contact, tried to control her, etc. I was unable to put her needs before mine.

It looks like your Dday is about a year ago, does she want space or S and D? What happens after you leave?

Common wisdom is to give the BS what they need to heal, so if space is what she needs, than giving it to her is what's needed. Staying because you want to is selfish.

Sometimes love from one spouse is not enough.

Sorry brother.

She hasn't asked me to leave. Our DDay was recent. It was not the first DDay for her. Nor the second. Most recent was online chatting.

Of course I do want to stay. I know I love her and the boys deeply. But I have always been terribly insecure and as a result put unfair demands on my wife. When she couldn't meet them, I pushed harder. Pushing her further away.

Knowledge means nothing now though.

She has not asked me to leave. Perhaps we are in a holding pattern. I don't know. Even if she has not, is my final act of selfishness not taking that final step for? If I learn she is just too scared or doesn't have the courage to kick me out, am I selfish for not rising up and doing it for her?

We leave for 2 week vacation as a family on Friday. She insisted that we keep it. She wants the boys to have fun. We are going with friends who know what I've done. I'll do whatever she asks.

It all sounds so awful, the words from my mouth. I am not hoovering. I do love her, I do want to be the best man I can be for her and the kids. But as she says, this does not change the past.

permanentchange5 posted 7/14/2014 20:45 PM

Ok, from a lady that did leave and was done, completely done. I did not go back so you might not want to hear from me....but

I needed my space. He would not leave me alone. I needed a day without thinking about it all. I needed a day without drama. He would not even honor my feelings then. I needed to be able to breath. You know what her conditions have been. Time for you to walk the path with you head high and show her what you are really made of. If she says no, honor that. Now is the time to do the hard work and become the man she has needed for a long time. Silence can be very powerful if you are spending your days and nights being a man of honor. She might see it, she might not. It is the last chance you have.

Give her space, give her what she asked for. If she then decides maybe things could work she will let you know. My X wouldn't go a day without contact, he smothered me.

Give her space but grow your integrity and walk every step as if it was the one step that would change her mind.

My X proved in his actions when he was away from that what he was telling me was just a bunch of crap, he was still doing everything that broke my heart to begin with. Don't be that guy.

Good luck

Thank you.

worried_lady posted 7/14/2014 21:07 PM

ok, so she has not said leave so that is a good sign. I can tell you when a woman is really done you will have no doubt.

Work harder than you have ever worked and take it all to heart. Don't act your way through this, really work. THIS IS THE REAL DEAL, COWBOY UP

Show her ever second you are the man she thought you could be when she married you. Show her every day, every minute that this time is the real deal.

Your future really does depend on it.

ETA - If you can't be that man, leave, just leave and set her free.

[This message edited by worried_lady at 9:12 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

Wayflost posted 7/15/2014 12:51 PM

What are you doing differently this time? You say this isn't Dday 1 or even 2. So what will be different for her this time if she continues to let you stay?

Imabrokenman posted 7/15/2014 19:34 PM

I tried to give my BS the room she needed, and was told in IC that I was projecting needs onto her. She confirmed the same thing. I have since tried to be in touch with her at least once a day (we are separated, living apart).

The most difficult thing is that there has been no "good" phone calls - she is so hurt and depressed. I wish for once we could just talk about the weather, the cats, ANYTHING other than my betrayal. I know that I must weather this storm. I caused her to be this way.

Regardless, you need to make sure that she wants "space." She may still need to vent (like my BS). Don't make assumptions about what she needs - let her tell you.

redsox13 posted 7/15/2014 20:10 PM

To me, this seems like an excuse to give up.

Purely FWIW - but you have already made enough decisions for her. Try and let her make this.

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