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Can't get over bfs being wayward, now I'm wayward too

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eurotrash posted 7/14/2014 22:54 PM

:-(

[This message edited by eurotrash at 1:32 PM, November 24th (Monday)]

BrokenButTrying posted 7/15/2014 01:27 AM

Hi eurotrash,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this forum. Posting here for the first time takes a lot of courage so well done.

You are now a madhatter, when both spouse's have cheated in the same relationship. There is a thread in the ICR forum specifically for those with MH status.

I think the first thing to do is figure out if your boyfriend's A was a dealbreaker for you. It doesn't sound like you've healed yourself from the trauma of his infidelity, get into counselling and work on yourself. If you really can't accept it (I don't think anyone ever gets over it) and heal from it, then you need to tell him that you're done and end the relationship.

I am surprised at your decision not to confess. Being able to see the BS side of this means you should get why it's so important that your boyfriend knows.

Counselling will also help you figure out why you cheated. At the moment you're blameshififting onto your boyfriend. It's not his fault, just like it wasn't your fault that your boyfriend or your XWH cheated. That stuff works both ways!

There is no such thing as getting even. An eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind, right?
Infidelity is unfair. His cheating is unfair and so is yours, you haven't settled the score or made things even, you've made things a million times harder. But you already know this deep down.

As for the AP, do you know for certain that he is single? There might be a wife or a girlfriend, in which case you are the OW in their relationship. How do you feel about that?
You know that affairs are built on lies and none of the feelings are real. You state several times that you are not a cheater and this is out of character, do you really see a future with a guy who would actively help you to betray yourself in the worst possible way?

You have a very hard road ahead of you, painful self realisations, hard work and changes to make. But we are here for you, keep posting.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 1:29 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

Unagie posted 7/15/2014 06:10 AM

You're BF cheating has nothing to do with you cheating. I just wanted to state that right away. If you cannot get over what be did that's fine, it can be a deal breaker but then you break up with him right? Instead you are watching him do everything you needed him to do and having sex and falling in lurve with this OM. What prevented you from making it clear to OM that you were off limits? When you told him no to going out did you even mention your BF? What made it okay in you to go have sex and share yourself emotionally with someone else and please don't say because he cheated first because that's an excuse. Someone else cheating does not all of a sudden make you capable of cheating that behavior is something you have within you and something you let yourself do. Now to figure out why. Why was it okay? Why was it a solution?

Next I agree being a BS how in the world do you feel it is a good idea go keep this from him? Youre not giving him the opportunity to make an informed decision about his life. As for OM you cannot let him go because he is being used to fill a void within yourself that you need to fill a void that you don't know how to fill and have ignored. It feels good when he "connects" with you and the sex is amazing because you don't allow yourself to think of the man you'll destroy when OM is sexing you. what kind of man is he really knowing he is having sex and falling in love with with a woman in a relationship? Is this what you truly want? Maybe its time to take a step back from everything I make a decision and either way confess to your BF....

SlowUptake posted 7/15/2014 06:37 AM

Hi eurotrash, welcome.

but this is not me, this is out of character and I can't make sense of it.
Most of us think this at first. But with a lot of work you will realise, 'it is you', 'it is not out of character' and you will 'make sense of it'.
It takes a while. Keep posting for guidance.

painfulpast posted 7/15/2014 08:20 AM

As a BS, I just had a long response typed out. There's no point really. I just want to say this:

You blaming your wBF for your affair, and you asking this

Will I ever get over it?
while you are actively cheating, is beyond comprehension.

You are responsible for your actions. No eye for an eye. When your wBF discovers this, and remembers all the talks you had regarding his A that occurred after you found a boyfriend, how exactly are you going to feel? When BF #2 shows up in a couple of months, and BF #1 is showing up since you've left him hanging in Boston, what possible justification are you going to have?

Being a BS does NOT justify this behavior, at all. If anything, it makes it more difficult to understand.

BS to BS - stop blaming your wBF for your actions. You made this decision alone. He's not responsible for your choices.


[This message edited by painfulpast at 8:21 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

familyfirst posted 7/15/2014 09:51 AM

Finding that *connection* with AP, *feels like we've known each other forever* really sounds like text book A talk. It's convienent that your H had an A too so you can use that as a probable reason you did, but it doesn't sound like revenge A rationale to me. Sounds like this A is filling your bucket which is low on water for reasons that you need to take time to figure out.

this is not me, this is out of character and I can't make sense of it

I think all of us think that. But the more you continue this behavior the more your actions show it is really you. Do yourself a favor and stop now, quickly. This A is changing you and your character every day. Trust me that it will not get easier to stop. Go back to your marriage and figure out if that's where you want to be or not. Having both relationships is not sustainable. It will end eventually, and likely in disaster if you don't take action soon.

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