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Myname posted 7/14/2014 23:55 PM

I've really been struggling a lot lately with depression.

I've noticed this to be a slow and mostly gradual build since Christmas.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is the increase in suicidal thoughts. I've had them before. Really, I don't think they ever went away. Recently it's been the thing that first comes to mind when a problem comes up. The smallest things set me off now and take me from feeling okay to now I need to kill myself.

For the most part they are just thoughts like I should just do ________ and kill myself. But nothing I really plan on acting out.

This past Friday something really minor happened and I really lost it and I was all set to go through with ending my life for real but didn't because of who I knew would find me. I settled for self harm and to sleep it off instead.

I feel like I'm at my whits end at this point. There are so many times I feel like I'm on the verge of tears. I just don't want to keep going on anymore. I hurt so bad everyday. The pain never seems to end. It's been 5.5 years of hurting everyday. There is no joy in my life anymore just pain. I just want to wave the white flag and say okay, I give up.

I guess I'm just talking out loud here a little. Not really looking for answers.

Jrazz posted 7/15/2014 00:01 AM

I'm sorry, Myname. I'm also scared for you - but that's not new. I wish there was something we could do to help. Please please please call the hotline when the feelings get too intense.

I know you were exploring IC and the thought that maybe AD's might be an option. I know that you don't like the idea, but you are a beautiful person who we all want to see live happy and healthy.

Can you check in with something akin to counseling right now?

You don't have to answer this. I know you know all of this already. I'm just not going to stop pushing to get you help.

We're here with you. You're not alone.

LosferWords posted 7/15/2014 00:18 AM

I agree with Jrazz. If there is any way that you can get help, please do.

Counseling, or even AD's through your doc. There are some AD's that have generics right now that are relatively inexpensive.

Anytime you are feeling like this, come out here and talk to us.

Sending you strength and encouragement. Hang in there.

Lostly posted 7/15/2014 01:44 AM

I am sorry your feeling so bad. Its not an easy place to be. You are so young to be feeling this way. You have so many great years ahead of you. I know it doesn't feel that way, and that everything just seems black. I've been there. Its an awful, awful, feeling.

Please don't give up. There's someone out there that's waiting for you to find them. Somebody that will love you for you. Someone who's going to respect you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it DOES get better. Please trust me on that.

If things get really bad please, please, please call a friend, or a hotline, or post on here all night. Nobody would care, and you can keep all of us night owls and people on the other side of the world company. Heck, I'm always up, and people in the UK are just waking up, and I believe its late afternoon at home in Australia. They're all just getting off I am sure people will be checking in all night.

I am not sure of your story (because I am new here) but I would love to hear it. I will check back in often to see if you are up and feel like posting. I know its hard, and 5 years seems like a long time, but it does get better. I remember how black it was. I remember feeling like it would never get better, but it did. Feeling better surprised the heck out of me, because I was convinced I would never feel happy again. That's what depression does. It messes with us. It makes us feel hopeless. Its just the depression talking. Remember that. Tell yourself that if you can. Please, please just hang in there. People are here for you. We care. I care. You are loved, please don't ever forget that.

heartbroken_kk posted 7/15/2014 02:07 AM

Myname, thank you for coming here and posting. We are here listening and sending you our love.

You are worthy of happiness. I don't know what cruel cosmic injustice has caused you so much pain these last years. You don't deserve it. You didn't deserve it. You deserve to be free of pain and sorrow and thoughts of self harm.

Can you talk to us more about what is coming up that is keeping you stuck and afraid of getting help? Do you know WHY you are not getting back to your IC? Do you think about calling to make an appointment and then get stopped somehow?

I understand how hard depression is to cope with. I hope it eases soon.


Lostly posted 7/15/2014 02:45 AM

Myname, I have a personal story for you. I just read your profile, and I noticed that you said you were a landscaper.

A few years back I started landscaping because I found it so therapeutic. I literally dug up my whole front yard with just shovel and planted grass. Damn it felt good to dig up that dirt with my bear hands. I would dig in the hottest part of the day, when it was almost unbearable.

Previous to that, in 2008 I started walking. I would walk in one direction sometimes for hours, until I was exausted, and then I would force myself to walk back. When walking back every step was sheer pain. Every. Single. Wretched. Exhausting. Step. But, I didn't care. I didn't care because my body finally felt like my soul felt, and I wanted my body to feel as bad as my soul. It fit. It was cathartic. As my body adapted I would have to walk further in one direction before I reached that point of exhaustion. I did this every day when my kids were in school, for hours, and whilst I was walking I would think.

After about 9 months or so something really strange began to occur. With each exhausting, wretched, stupid step I took home I slowly, slowly became strong. Very strong. Stronger than I had ever been before, both physically and mentally. I became somebody I didn't recognize anymore. I say it was strange because that wasn't my intention. It wasn't something I had planned on doing. It was just something that happened along the way.

Its not a story I share often, because of the sheer pain I was feeling. I'm not sure if it helps you, but perhaps you could try walking in one direction instead of self harming? Please hang in there. It does get better.

Newlease posted 7/15/2014 08:36 AM

I felt this way during my D. I even had a plan. Every day I would consider carrying out my plan. Every. Single. Day.

But, at the time I didn't want to hurt my family and I knew that even though my pain would end, my family's pain would just begin and last a lifetime. I couldn't do that to them.

So I kept putting one foot in front of the other, I took a breath in and let it out, I lived minute-to-minute.

I went to IC and got my ADs adjusted. I did EMDR with my IC. I exercised to the point of exhaustion. I reached out to friends and family. I made it through.

But the absolute best part of my story is that my life got SO MUCH BETTER. I've been D for 10 years now and I'm having the best time of my life! I would have missed out on all the love, the sun rises and the sunsets, new grandchildren, new friendships, learning to ride a motorcycle - if I had given in to my very strong impulses, I would have missed some of the greatest joys I've ever known.

It gets better. Hang on.

Sending strength and peace.


TrustedHer posted 7/15/2014 09:44 AM

I guess I'm just talking out loud here a little. Not really looking for answers.

And when you need an answer -- do you already know what it is?

You can't do this by yourself.

I'm pretty sure you can't do this with a little outpatient IC and a handful of AD's, either.

5 and a half years of doing the same thing, and not feeling any better is a long time. Time for something else, something not harmful?

All of us want you to become the person we know you are inside. Caring, artistic, productive -- and happy.

It may be time to consider psychiatric help. Maybe even inpatient.

Other SI members have done that.

The world would be a much poorer place without you. It's poorer for the dark cloud over you, too. Can we please see the light shining within you?

Myname posted 7/15/2014 09:52 AM

The main reason I was posting last night is because I was starting to have those suicidal thoughts. Not to the point of actually acting on it. I really wanted to self harm last night actually. Just to say, I didn't. I guess the thing that scares me is that lately the suicidal thoughts come up so quickly over the silliest things like I spill a soda on the carpet and instead of "oh man, that stinks. Now I have to get papertowel to clean the mess." It's "You idiot! Why were you not more careful. Now I need to jump off a cliff." I know when I'm thinking clearly that it's irrational but at the time it makes perfect sense.

I was going to an IC for about a year and clicked well with IC. I stopped going about 2 months ago when "work got busy" but the real reason is that I started feeling stuck in IC. We had talked about all that needed to be talked about and it was time to take action. I wasn't ready to take action. So I stopped going.

There have been some new things that have come up in the last 6 months that I do not want to talk about in IC. I guess I don't have to talk about it but it is the real reason why things have gone so downhill for me the last 6 months. IC actually sent me a text yesterday just to see how I was doing which was nice. It made me feel like the "door is still open".

Lostly, thanks for sharing that story. Just to say, there are a lot of people on here that have done the same type of thing, exercise to the point of complete exhaustion. I was exercising for the last few years and eating healthy but haven't been the last few months. I've been working 12-14 hour days (or longer). Working out was helpful. It's hard to take care of yourself and hurt/kill yourself at the same time. The working out I found to help some as a substitute for self harm.

I felt this way during my D. I even had a plan. Every day I would consider carrying out my plan. Every. Single. Day.

But, at the time I didn't want to hurt my family and I knew that even though my pain would end, my family's pain would just begin and last a lifetime. I couldn't do that to them.

I'm not at all close to my family. I know my parents "love me as a son" but that's about it. We aren't close. I only talk to my parents and brother when they need something. I'm fine with the relationship being that way. I have one friend IRL but they don't live near me to be able to visit easily. SI is really my only friends. So it's hard for me to think of all the people that would miss me when there is nobody.

brokeninfl posted 7/15/2014 09:55 AM

Myname -- I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. I know you aren't looking for answers - but there are ones out there. I know its hard. I know that making a change -- doing something else sometimes seems too difficult to bear - but you can do it. There was a point, about 2 years out from D-day that I very actively contemplated suicide. I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD - went though EDMR therapy and found some medications that helped.

Please keep posting -- know that we are here for you.

and I couldn't have said this any better:

The world would be a much poorer place without you. It's poorer for the dark cloud over you, too. Can we please see the light shining within you?

nutmegkitty posted 7/15/2014 10:00 AM

We are all in your corner MyName.

norabird posted 7/15/2014 10:10 AM


I hope you can go back to your IC and open up about what is going on.

You deserve to be happy.

abbycadabby posted 7/15/2014 10:11 AM

Myname- have you considered taking yourself to the hospital for help?

The duration and frequency of the self-harm behaviors has me concerned. You say you have no plans in place,

But nothing I really plan on acting out
but you admit having suicidal ideations and you have the means.

However, the following contradicts the above. You state that you were "all set" which I'm inferring means that you were ready to go through with ending your life- you had the ideations, you had the means, and you had the plan:

I was all set to go through with ending my life for real but didn't because of who I knew would find me

You really need to get yourself into the care of a good psychiatrist, if not a 72 hr mental health hold. Like, yesterday.



[This message edited by abbycadabby at 10:14 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

Jrazz posted 7/15/2014 10:17 AM

SI is really my only friends

As somebody who has been to G2G's in multiple locations throughout the United States, I can tell you that these friendships are very real, with real people who really care about each other.

I know that the electronic interface of the forums can seem less-than-personal at times (despite our significantly personal posts) but I've come to learn that when I meet up with people who I have been interacting with on the forums, the bond is immediate. Everything is right there IRL, even if we have a bajillion miles and a computer screen between us.

I have friends IRL, but the friendships I have made on SI are deeper and more significant because we have bared our souls and still chosen to accept each other, baggage and all.

It's ok to count us. We care about you, and it's real.

I just started a new AD, by the way. It's Celexa, and I HATE the idea of daily meds but I've been emotionally pushed to the brink and needed something to keep me tethered to normalcy and routine. After a week of uncertainty, I'm starting to feel the effects of having my brain stop racing around negativity and panic. The difference in my interactions with people and life is negligible, but I feel a LOT better. You can do it.

Myname posted 7/15/2014 10:37 AM

The world would be a much poorer place without you. It's poorer for the dark cloud over you, too. Can we please see the light shining within you?


Doing in patient would cause me to lose my business. You may think it sounds stupid but it's really the only thing that keeps me going. It's all I have. If I lost that I would have nothing to live for. Even a 72 hour hold could potentially damage my business so I won't do that.

I should clear up the extent of my self harm. There was a time that my cutting was truly dangerous. We are talking lightheaded, passing out and needing stitches but not getting them at least a few times a month. I was cutting 2-3 times a week.

The last year I have cut a lot less and do not as deep. I did get lightheaded a month or so ago but that's it. Over the last 6 months I've been cutting 2-4 times a month. I seem to have switched to burning which is about as deadly as a whoopee cushion. But the lack of cutting may explain the increase in suicidal thoughts. Cutting has always helped curb the suicidal thoughts.

Jrazz, I do know that people on here really do care about me and that it is a real friendship. I'm FAR more open on here than I could ever be with someone IRL so this works for me. I've actually thought about maybe going to a G2G someday. Like I said, you people are my only real friends.

Angeles85 posted 7/15/2014 11:41 AM

(((Myname))) I'm sorry, in my darkest moments when I'm really depressed I push myself to do something different (walk, drive to the beach, go shopping to the 99c store , or I just pamper myself with ice cream or junk food ) anything that makes me feel a little better. Try it!!! I don't know where you live but if anytime you are in California, i'm here to listen to you! Don't give up!!

Williesmom posted 7/15/2014 11:51 AM

Myname, you have been in my thoughts. Just this weekend, I was on SI and wondered how you have been.

Please do something to change your path. You deserve joy - don't let complacency or fear stop you from finding it.

Amazonia posted 7/15/2014 12:03 PM

(((My name)))

Guinness23 posted 7/15/2014 12:29 PM

MyName -

I have know serious depression...hence my online moniker which I am handling now. What I want to say to you is this: the more in a funk you stay, the further the hole gets. The further the hole gets, the more frequent those thoughts will pop up because you are mentally VERY, VERY, VERY VULNERABLE. My mother used to say "Mind over Matter."

You are valuable.
You are worth happiness.
You have been through so much crap BUT it NOT the end of the story.

WANT to write a new chapter. DON'T let these years define you! If you close the book and put down the pen, THE LAST 5.5 YEARS will be your legacy!

I have suffered for 6 years of this crap now and loneliness invades my thoughts everyday. I am broke and have lost everything MATERIAL. What I STILL have is

1. My freedom
2. My sight, hearing, tasting, smelling etc
3. I can walk
4. I am not stupid.
5. I DO have a few good people who care
6. I have a little dog that makes me laugh when I want to cry
7. I have faith in God - not a religion- that keeps me realizing there IS life after this and that this is a test
8. I am NOT a victim but WILL be a victor someday soon.

PTSD is not just for military and the like. It is for people like us, too. Trying to fit ourselves back into a life where everyone around us "looks" normal.

Rebounding from this takes a belief that it WILL BE BETTER ONE DAY AT A TIME taking baby steps. The world may look drab today, but tomorrow the sun can come out IF you lift the blinds and pull back the curtains.

Hugs and strength to you.

Lostly posted 7/15/2014 13:40 PM

Myname, I am so glad you posted! The first thing I did this morning when I woke up was check to see if you had.

I know how hard it is when you are alone. I don't have family close, and it wasn't really that type of relationship. When I was going through the worst couple of years it was just me. My kids were too young, although it really doesn't matter how old they were I wouldn't have confided in them anyway. That's not their job.

I did have a counselor that I saw weekly. I am still seeing him and its been 5 years. I also felt stuck, like I wasn't moving forward, and had discussed everything about 20 times over! But I'm one of these inch along souls, rather than a jump of the cliff person. I still get there, it just doesn't seem like I am making much progress.

I get that 'stuck' feeling you were talking about.
If you have a good counselor, and it seems as if you do, they won't push you when your not ready. You don't have to tell your counselor everything, although it may be a good idea if you can share either here, or with your counselor, or in a personal journal what's been happening these last 6 months just to get it out. Our pain seems to hurt us the most when its stuck inside of us. Its almost as if our pain wants to get out and be known, acknowledged, and accepted for what it is.

Self harm is never good. Like you mentioned "It's hard to take care of yourself and hurt/kill yourself at the same time" (for some reason I can't get my phone to post the quote boxes). The funny thing is I wasn't walking for exercise. It hadn't even occurred to me that I was. I walked only to reach that point of pain. I wanted to hurt. My only goal was to get my body to hurt as much as my soul. I would even put wrist weights on so my arms would hurt as much as my legs.

I am going to chime in with everyone else and suggest that it may be a good idea to try some AD's. If your currently on one perhaps you can ask your DR to up the dose, or add another to the mix? I think most of us have been on them at some point through this journey. There's no shame in it.

Your friends at SI care. When we share such intimate details of our lives its hard not to create a lasting bond and care deeply for one another. As Jrazz says, the friendships are real. They mean something. They mean something to me, and I am just new here.

Hey, if you ever get bored and feel like posting some landscaping tips in the 'other' forum, I'm all ears! My poor flowers need some serious help....!! (I apologize if I am not meant to suggest that )

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