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katiescarlett posted 7/15/2014 06:41 AM

Last night, after we argued about the infamous text message I remembered another website he used to frequent and signed in. I specifically asked him if I find anything on there. He said no. Lo and behold there are messages to other couples asking if they would be interested in adding another male to the mix. His excuse? he forgot.

Oh, and during our argument about said text message he blurted out "she never meant to me what you do" I thought that was a very weird thing to say about someone who was "just a friend" and "nothing ever happened"

painfulpast posted 7/15/2014 07:32 AM


That last line about it being 'weird' - it's not weird. It's him admitting without realizing it that he's lying, and that he knows you know he's lying.

Regarding 'forgetting' - I don't buy that for a second. If he 'forgot' he was asking to join couples in sex on that site, he was on a lot more sites and doing a lot more than you've discovered yet. I think he was hoping the evidence wouldn't be able to be discovered, so he lied. When his lie blew up in his face he used the pathetic and overused 'I forgot' lie.'

I'm so sorry for all of the pain you must be in based on your discoveries. His behaviors and his continued CYA actions make me feel like he's still in a very selfish mindset. I really think you should start the 180. It's very easy for a BS to let their entire life become about the discovery of more info, the search for the truth, etc. I realize that it's nearly impossible this early on to not be overtaken by the enormity of an A (or several As). I wish I had done a bit more detaching early on. I think it would have done me a world of good to keep some part of me (without the A nightmare) alive and active. It would have helped with setting and maintaining boundaries, and it definitely would have made me stronger, since the A took every bit of strength I had and destroyed it.

A side benefit of the 180 might be that your WH sees you pulling away, realizes his lies and hiding the truth from you are actually causing him to lose you instead of keep you. He may see that you're pulling away and begin to work toward healing instead of working toward keeping you in the dark. The 180 is NOT designed as a 'wake up' tool for 'foggy' WSs, but it has definitely had that effect.

WSs that remain selfish and 'foggy' honestly believe that their lies are helping them. They think if they can just keep the story up long enough, we'll tire and move on. Nope - the opposite is true. We BSs will dig for months or years even to get the truth if our gut is screaming that we don't have it. If your WS realizes you aren't about to stop, and that his lies are pushing you away, he may decide the truth is the best option. The 180 will definitely make him feel like he's losing you - because he is! You're detaching. If you detach and are able to objectively see his bullshit for what it is, he will suddenly feel foolish telling such obvious lies to someone that is seeing everything for exactly what it is.

One theme that remains constant is that a WS that is selfish and holding tightly to their lies after DDay will almost always stay right there, lying and being deceptive, for as long as possible. How long is 'as long as possible'? Until there are real consequences. If your WH lies, and you know he's lying, and his only consequence is you getting upset, crying, making threats that don't materialize and then giving up out of frustration, then usually the WS is willing to ride that storm out. If, however, the WS feels the BS pulling away, or even leaving, then there are real consequences.

This site is riddled with tales of BSs that tried and tried, with no results. The WS remained 'on the fence', not transparent, lying to protect themselvess, and basically refused to actually help the situation. When the BS finally stood up and refused to accept this terrible behavior, and told the WS to leave, or left themselves, started the 180 (and the process of detaching), or some other 'real' consequence where the WS knew they were on the edge of losing the BS, the WS woke up. Is that a guarantee? Nope. Should it even be the goal of the 180? Nope. But, imo, consequences are a MUST of a non-remorseful WS is going to 'get it'.

The 180 seems scary. The thoughts of 'what if he doesn't care, or nothing changes, or just leaves, or goes back to OW if I ignore him' are scary thoughts. What's scarier is spending a year, two years, a lifetime with an unremorseful WS. Imagine spending another year in this hell of your mind screaming that you're being lied to and your WH caring more about keeping his lies than about your healing. Not a fun thought, is it?

So, if you begin the 180 and start detaching, you're deciding you wont spend your life in the nightmare your WH is maintaining. If he doesn't wake up and change, you're already moving forward and detaching from him. If he does wake up, he's learned that you do have a breaking point and that you won't just 'accept' whatever he's offering.

If you haven't read the 180, it's in the healing library under 'FAQS for the BS' - I believe it's item #11.

You deserve better katiescarlett. At a minimum, you deserve the truth.

confused615 posted 7/15/2014 07:55 AM

Has he admitted to anything you didn't have to find out on your own?

There is probably a lot more to this.

It's possible to be bi, but be monogamous. It doesn't seem he has any interest in being monogamous. You need to decide if you can accept that. You may love him...but he is not being loving towards you. Love is an action. And right now, he is still lying and protecting himself.

"I forgot" equals "I didn't forget, I just didn't want you to find out all the shitty things I did, because I don't want to face the consequences."

rachelc posted 7/15/2014 08:06 AM

Enough! I know you love him but love yourself more!

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/15/2014 08:15 AM

I'll say it again as I said in another thread.

You married a sexual deviant.

Welcome to your life.

He's not going to magically change his sexual preferences no matter how many therapy sessions you force him to go to.

The guy is a deviant and is constantly looking to satisfy his fetish desires. You can't become a man nor can you split into 2 people and give him a threesome.

Therefore, he seeks his fetish activity elsewhere, and always will - behind your back.

It has nothing to do with whether he 'loves' you or not. It has everything to do with wanting to satisfy his deviant sexual nature elsewhere.

You'll know when you've had enough.

I, too, was with a deviant. I, too, thought that 'love' was enough.

It wasn't.

You'll learn that lesson too, one day.

katiescarlett posted 7/15/2014 09:51 AM

Has he admitted to anything you didn't have to find out on your own?

That would be a big, fat NO.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/15/2014 10:10 AM

You know you deserve better than this, right?

katiescarlett posted 7/15/2014 12:06 PM

You know you deserve better than this, right?

Is it bad that I can't even answer this?

painfulpast posted 7/15/2014 14:20 PM

katiescarlett - I really recommend you take the hard drive and have it fully analyzed by a forensic IT specialist. That will give you a lot of answers, some you may not want.

Have you thought about the 180? He's not going to change for no reason. You need to worry about you, and that means detaching. He'll either get with the program or you'll know that he'll never change. If he won't change, is this what you want for your life?

catperson posted 7/15/2014 14:24 PM

File for divorce. Show him that he's about to lose at least half his income if not more. Tell him you want nothing to do with him until he's started going to weekly therapy to figure out why he can't be satisfied with one person. And tell him he never gets 'this' again until he's agreed to NC and you've both been screened for STDs, since you now have to assume he's been cheating the whole time.

That MIGHT shake him up. Doubt it, but it's better than what you're doing now.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/15/2014 14:58 PM

Is it bad that I can't even answer this?

Is it bad you can't answer this? Yes.

Is it normal that you can't answer this? Yea, it can be normal that you don't even realize that you deserve better.


So many cheaters are very skilled manipulators. They have this way of breaking down your self-esteem and making you feel like YOU are the crazy one. Then they can continue fucking you over because you are so lost and confused and don't know what to do.


Stop focusing on him. Focus on how you are REACTING to him. HE'S NOT NORMAL. And YOU need to start finding some HEALTHY responses to this abusive bullshit. A good one to start with is to get the hell out of dodge. If he's blaming you, manipulating you, lying to you, justifying himself, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM. Don't even talk to him when that's the kind of shit coming out of his mouth.

Put on some big girl panties and bitch boots and stop taking this crap from him. He has to fix HIMSELF. YOU have to fix YOURSELF. I think he has majorly destroyed your self-esteem, and that's why you continually allow him to get away with this crap. Please, break the cycle already. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

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