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Newest Member: meepsy (46028)

User Topic: Any Idea's
MyNameIsDoug
♂ 35570
Member # 35570
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My bs is very depressed. I have made her this way. I am in IC. I am learning about myself and figuring stuff out. I am making efforts to help my BS try to heal from this. She is in a deep depression and I don't know what to do to help her. Anybody have any thoughts?

Posts: 47 | Registered: May 2012
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can continue to work on yourself and offer her complete transparency, truth and compassion. She needs to get her depression treated with either meds, IC or both. Is she doing that?


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38930 | Registered: Sep 2007
DrJekyll
♂ 43618
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

doug

she is going to be depressed. you can suggest meds/IC but you cannot make her go to IC, or take meds. be encouraging, not demanding.

Have you told her how you feel about her depression? how do you feel? are you feeling shame/guilt because you did this to her and don't like to see it? or are you feeling scared/empathetic for her and the pain caused to her? Only you can know your emotions behind it. share with her, let her into your world. tell her your concerns, and maybe she would discuss with you options. Maybe she would help you to help her.

If she doesn't really want IC then it will not help her. If she doesn't think she needs meds, then she won't make the appointment or take the pills. and she may feel like you are still trying to control her and get further depressed.

JMO


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 887 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did not make your BS depressed.

Seriously. Nobody has that kind of power.

You can make better choices, you can act in such a way as to not cause her further pain, but overcoming depression is, unfortunately, on her. She'll have to do it in her own time, in her own way. Be supportive, keep the lines of communication open, but accept that this is her choice to make, and she cannot be rushed.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
MyNameIsDoug
♂ 35570
Member # 35570
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the replys. She was in IC but was not getting anything out of it so she stopped going. She was on medication but stopped taking it. It breaks my heart to see her living like this and knowing it is all my fault.

Posts: 47 | Registered: May 2012
MyNameIsDoug
♂ 35570
Member # 35570
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the replys. She was in IC but was not getting anything out of it so she stopped going. She was on medication but stopped taking it. It breaks my heart to see her living like this and knowing it is all my fault.

Posts: 47 | Registered: May 2012
Imabrokenman
♂ 43886
Member # 43886
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doug -

Get used to this feeling - it will be with you for a while. You need to figure out who you are and why you did what you did and make the necessary changes to make yourself a safe partner.

I am only six weeks into this process, and I know what you are going through. The first several weeks were the toughest - feeling horrible about what I had done to her, and seeing her in all the pain she was feeling, knowing that I caused it.

So, ok, you caused the pain she is in. You cannot change that. Accept that fact. Then enact changes in yourself that will ensure that you never do it again. You have to work on yourself before you can hope for reconciliation.

She needs to heal on her own time. You cannot rush this, or get frustrated by it. Remember, YOU caused this pain, you cannot dictate how and when it goes away.

The advice you are getting on SI MUST be followed to get yourself in a better place. Be transparent. DO NOT KEEP ANYTHING FROM HER. I made this mistake and now I am trying to pick up the pieces. Be open and honest.

Good luck.


Me: WH (49)
Her: BW (48)
DDay 1: June 9, 2014
DDay 2: June 23, 2014
Married: 19 Years
No children

Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Richmond, VA
Topic Posts: 7

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