Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying



Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library


Contact Us
In Association with
Infidelity -
- Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
Newest Member: Solo1 (61849)

User Topic: Making long term plans
♂ 37916
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you find it difficult to make long term plans with your WS? Last night WW asked me a question about the cruise we're taking in December, and that lead to talking about an Alaskan cruise which is something she's always wanted to do. That got her fired up and we did a little looking at prices and such. Then she went into planning mode and figured up cost of a cruise + travel expenses, etc. She then hit on a plan for us to save over the next four years to afford to be able to take one for our 10 year anniversary. I know she was excited at the prospect and I liked the idea, but I just couldn't get excited about it because in the back of my mind I kept thinking, "If we're together that long." The same thing happens with some even shorter term plans we talk about. I really can't put my finger on what I think about it. I don't know if it's natural reticence because in a way everything about us (to me anyway) is still kind of up in the air, or if part of me is saying "Don't get too comfortable, we're not staying much longer."

Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months
Hoped I'd never have to add this: Dday #2 11/22/2015 Not sure how far it went yet but have a pretty good idea.

2 Cor. 12:9-10

Posts: 989 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a great deal of difficulty with this. We have just returned from a 2 week cruise in the Med and a further 2 weeks touring... my dream vacation - we booked it at a point in R when things were going great] but unfortunately, a year later, when we left for the cruise things were going anything but great We made the best of it, well we tried to, but to be honest it was quite stressful, difficult, awkward, sad.... Not the way a dream vacation is meant to be at all.

Now we are back, it's time to start planning our next vacation and I am vacillating, I just don't know whether to go ahead and plan something or to wait-and-see.

Wish I could offer some help, but all I can say is you are not alone...

BS 49
Together 32 yrs, M 28 years
2 daughters 27yo(married with 2 children) & 22yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ 26970
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..we've made plans each year for the past 5 years of R..

..and sadly faced the possible cancelling, thanks all to the 'rollercoaster' of emotions we deal with..

..somehow, we managed to pull our shit together and go on the trips, but it came real-close a couple of times!!

..sad, what this shit does to one's life..


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 70
Her 66
Married 45 yrs (together 50 years!)
18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer.
. died from a brain tumor@57

Posts: 4980 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario Canada
♀ 43496
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We still talk about long term plans: re-modeling the kitchen/bathroom, putting in a pool, a big trip to Europe for his 40th, repeat the honeymoon for our 10th... Those things I'm fine with, they are hopeful. They may or may not pan out, but in the mean time it's nice to imagine us happy again.

But then we talk about me cutting back to part time work so I can be with the kids more... I can't do it. I want so badly to be home more with them, but giving up my financial independence when I'm not confident we'll make it. I just can't. Despite wanting it so badly. I could kill him for taking that away from me.

Me: 33, BW Him: 40, fWH
Together 11y, married 8
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email
Working on R, and it's working

Posts: 3226 | Registered: May 2014
♀ 42365
Member # 42365
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We booked a trip for our anniversary weekend during the HB period. I have to admit I keep thinking something will happen and we will not be together at that time It is only sa week away, and I keep imagining another dday that kills the marriage first. I keep thinking about canvelling it. But I figure I need to have some kind of faith or this R won't work at all.

Posts: 381 | Registered: Feb 2014
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you feel like your W is remorseful and is doing everything she can to get to why she did this and make you feel safe?

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

Posts: 7444 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Inside my head
♀ 6210
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm more in limbo than R, but yes.

In particular I am loathe to spend money on our home, major purchases, etc. But beyond that, something like dreaming of a big trip is so far off my radar.

When your dream of a life of building, growing, and openness with each other, with full commitment, is destroyed, it's challenging to pretend long-term life plans have the same meaning.

Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 290 | Registered: Jan 2005
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes very much so. We're currently at a lake home I booked in January. I waited til the last minute to pay the bill and hubby asked why. I said I still feel up in the air about us. He said he completely understood.

That said, any major purchase, trip, etc can be dealt with if we split. Ppl do it all the time. I just decided to live like we're going to be together forever.

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, it's tough. In some ways those things show that you both want to keep working at it, and find a way to stay together. It's just a matter of if it can actually happen. I just figured a couple grand here or there wasn't going to make a difference if I had to cancel or not go on a planned trip.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 8014 | Registered: Jan 2011
♂ 42047
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH here --

My BW has this. Big stuff, too, not just vacations. She is super stressed at her job, and wishes she could downshift a bit. But she said to me that she's not sure that I won't leave, or that we will make it, so she cannot give up her good job.

It's yet another horrible thing that I have done. I think those fears are getting less and less, but they are still there.

Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 911 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
♀ 42185
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I figure I need to have some kind of faith or this R won't work at all.

Yep. That's pretty much my attitude too despite how hard it is to maintain that faith every day. We are starting to talk again about moving to a new home, something we put on hold after DDay. Contemplating a long-term future together brings up a mix of terror and elation for me.

BW, D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 894 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ 44060
Member # 44060
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle here as well. Just after DDay we planned an alone vacation and I kept saying, "If we're still together." We ended up having a great time and it was good for us to get away without kids...both for fun and some progress in healing and discussions.

WH keeps encouraging me to book additional vacations (one already booked and wanting me to look for more). I think he knows that the financial commitment would be hard for me to walk away from in addition to just seeing that I need to "get away".

I wonder how long these thoughts of "if we are together" go on. Even though we are both committed to R, it hasn't stopped the "what ifs".

Me (BS)- 42
Him (WS)- 44
Married 21 years
3 beautiful daughters (18,16,14)
DDay- 4/23/14- 6 month EA turned PA just before DDay

Posts: 762 | Registered: Jul 2014
♀ 33732
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not anymore, but it took til this year to do that. All out other plans I bought trip insurance, just in case.

Last cruise we didn't bother & we booked another cruise onboard.

Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 13

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
© 2002 - 2017 All Rights Reserved.