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I agreed to R tonight.

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RomanticInnocenc posted 7/15/2014 10:06 AM

So, I have been on this forum from the beginning, as I have wanted to R since th beginning. However after the shock wore off I knew I couldn't make the same old mistakes I have always made in the past. That is, to forgive, rugsweep, want so much to be loved that I just jump back in with both feet. As I have worked out with the help of WH, I don't hold people accountable, something I have been working very hard on. So, over the past 6 months I have watched, surveiled, gone on the rollercoaster without truly knowing where I was going to get off, the land of R or the land of D. So tonight I told WH that I was in, I was willing to give myself to R, to our marriage.

He didn't become happy like I thought he would and I was surprised by that. When I asked him if it was what he still wanted he replied of course, but that he was more determined then anything. That he knew that hard work was ahead, that there was no relief but in fact more pressure. (not in the negative way, but now there is more to lose). I can't really blame him for not being excited when the past 6 months have included everything from I hate you to I want the future we planned together, only to end back up at I hate you. I guess I probably also scared the crap out of him by starting with, I googled divorce tonight. He wondered if I was staying because the idea of D scared me. In fact I just wanted to be informed, wanted to know that I KNOW what my options were if he ever did this again. I wanted to drill it in that this a one shot only chance, blow it and its done. For some reason I feel the need to drive that point in over and over as if it gives me some control. I know it doesn't but at least he can't claim he didn't know.

So I think something positive happened tonight... So why does it feel like I just handed him my power? I know this is what I want, I have gone on this journey over and over. I have watched his actions, his struggles, his willingness to change mindsets even when it's confronting and hard. He has done everything I asked for and more. Continues transparency, is working on himself, takes care of me and our son when I just can't find the energy to face the world. I believe he has earnt this opportunity over the past 6 months. In saying that I have no fear in walking away if he started to revert.

So why do I feel so insecure, so vulnerable, so out in the open. I don't want power over WH, never have, yet I feel naked now that I have committed to giving everything to R.

mike7 posted 7/15/2014 10:14 AM

you feel this way because you gave it all to him once before and he betrayed you.

no matter how hard you rationalize it, once you've been burned by touching a hot plate you will think twice before touching it again.

I hope he deserves your trust a second time. sometimes they do. I hope in your case that he does.

i'm not sure why he reacted the way he did. maybe it's a mixture of guilt and relief, but also a recognition that he will receive no more second chances. i hope for his sake that realizes that none of us really deserve second chances with regard to infidelity, so he's in no worse shape than when he started. he still has you.

i hope down the road you both find happiness

[This message edited by mike7 at 10:17 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/15/2014 10:32 AM

You feel that way because in essence, you have handed over your power to him yet again.

Unfortunately, your husband has a 10 year history of lying and cheating and you've posted in this thread that you've been on this journey over and over again.

I think the reason you feel that way is because you keep living the definition of insanity over and over. Basically, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over - and expecting DIFFERENT results.

What's really and truly different about THIS time, RomanticInnocenc?

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 10:32 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

RomanticInnocenc posted 7/15/2014 10:36 AM

Thanks mike, I appreciate your words. I hadn't thought of it in regards to trust, I guess in a way I am offering a certain amount of trust, yet I still do not trust him as far as I can throw him, so maybe that's where the anxiety and fear come from. I'm taking a leap of faith here on someone, as you said, had all I had to give and betrayed me before. So now I'm taking a leap based on 6 months of behaviour, hoping I won't be back here in jfo saying I have another dday.

All I know is me. And I know I can't live in limbo, I was either in or out, I may get burned again but I guess at least I will never wonder if I should have given him another chance. I also have an opportunity to live the marriage I always wanted and wasn't getting, I think it's worth a chance. I hope he is worth it too!

RomanticInnocenc posted 7/15/2014 10:49 AM

Neveragain, my over and over again wasn't actually about WH. It was about past romantic relationships, relationships with family, friends etc. He did gamble and get caught not too far into our relationship, he was 19 and I was 21,a couple of kids who had no idea what they were doing and despite seeking out councilling no compass in which to guide them. We rugswept effectively without knowing that was what we were doing. In hindsight, nothing really changed but the fact he was sorry and has only ever once broken no gambling, which he admitted on dday 2.

What has changed? Well me for one. I'm now a mother, I've had an extreme catalyst occur in my life that has made me really take a look at me and realise, I don't like me very much. Things need to change in my life, for me. Plus the innocence I once had is completely gone. I know that I have no control over him and his actions, all I can know is what I will do if I find further proof of his infidelity.

The other is WH. He is completely different. Given its only 6 months but that's a long time to sustain constant change or at least steps to change if it isn't what he wants. Is he safe? No. Do I trust him? No. But I can't remain in limbo forever.

I guess I've grown through this and I'm hoping so has he. I don't feel that's insanity!

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/15/2014 10:56 AM

You feel vulnerable because, well, you are. To R, doesn't one have to be? IMO, both partners have to be "all in" for R to work.

That doesn't mean you forgive him, or trust him. You'll likely swing back to "I hate you" again, perhaps several times. And I virtually guarantee he'll screw up, and do or say something that scares you.

R is a lot of work, and you're both absolutely right, the hard work is ahead. But I'm happy for both of you, I agree it sounds very positive!

RomanticInnocenc posted 7/15/2014 17:56 PM

Thanks 20wvs1, I agree, to R you do have to open yourself up to being vulnerable! I guess I knew this but the feeling still scared me. I guess there is nothing really wrong with having a healthy dose of fear about it as long as it doesn't keep me from holding up my end of R. Because as you said, both of us need to be both in for R to work! Here's to hard work and a hopeful future!

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