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So Who Ends up Together? Two Separate Camps?

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MakingMyFuture posted 7/15/2014 11:27 AM

So pretty much every couple I know who divorced can trace it back to an A. I'm working very hard and intending to R with my spouse...but I was already in Love with him and had built a life/family with him and had had 13 wonderful years before discovery. But what happens for myself or others if they move on and end up in a relationship down the road?

If I do end up D in the future and meet someone down the road, I absolutely would have nothing to do with any Wayward, regardless of the excuse. I would never knowingly develop a relationship with someone who had done this to another person- regardless of the excuse. I would ensure I spoke to their X at some point to 'get both sides'. Do most other BSs feel the same?

Does that mean for second marriages with new people not related to the A, do the faithful end up with the faithful and the Waywards end up with each other?

Just curious...

HighlandPaddy posted 7/15/2014 11:30 AM

SOmetimes you have no control over who you fall in love with, and I like to believe the best in people. Yes, it would probably be a factor, but knowing me I'd believe that she wouldn't do that to me....then again, I'm not that bright.

Bobbi_sue posted 7/15/2014 11:39 AM

I think the reality is that very few actually talk to the ex to find out their side of the story. It would probably be rather awkward in most cases, though I can see value in the idea of talking to the ex or exes.

To answer your question whether a BS would end up with someone new who is faithful, and a cheater would end up with another cheater, there are far too many variables. I'm sure that many people who were married to a cheater end up married to another who also cheats. This is not because of some pattern; it is because a huge percentage of all people cheat at some point in the relationship. It is a sad fact of life.

I was cheated on by both H's. I also knew my current H had cheated on his first wife and I certainly did not get her side of the story before marrying him. There was a wife of 8 years in between his marriage to #1 and me and he did not cheat on her, so I chalked it up to immaturity (he was 25 when he cheated on #1) and from our conversations, I definitely believed he learned this was not the way to deal with things and he would not cheat on me. Surprise surprise, he cheated on me with the same whore he cheated with in marriage #1.

Even in spite of all that, I do think he has really learned this time (8 years ago now, actually) and will not likely cheat on me ever again. If I were to find someone new, I think I'd be going back to taking odds of about 50/50 that he'd cheat on me. I'm better off staying with my current H because I truly believe the odds of him cheating again are very low.

DixieD posted 7/15/2014 11:42 AM

This may sound odd but in some ways I think the only person I would choose is a remorseful previous WS. Someone with tons of remorse for the horrible choices they made. Someone who has does a lot of internal work on themselves and exposed all their poor coping mechanisms and has worked their butt off to never go down that road again because of how they betrayed themselves.

I'd be a lot more wary of someone who has never experienced it, thinks they have it all together and knows they would just never do that. I would trust them less then someone who has hit rock bottom already. Because I don't think people are as nearly healthy and self-aware as they think they are. That's where I'm jaded now.

Razor posted 7/15/2014 11:45 AM

SOmetimes you have no control over who you fall in love with, and I like to believe the best in people.

Sorry but I dont agree.

First because its too easy for a WS to use this as a excuse for their affair.

Second because we are adults and dont fall over for some hot blonde in a tight red dress. or *swoon* for some dreamboat guy. We are not animals. Our brains have evolved such that we can think and see the consequences of a relationship with a person we are not really compatible with.

If I were do D my WW would I consider a relationship with a past cheater? I dont know. A history of cheating would definitely be a red flag though. My decision would be based on the PERSON rather than past actions though. Do they blame their BS for their cheating? Do they take responsibility? Have they worked to fix their broken that allowed them to make the choice to cheat?

IMO a past cheater could actually be safer than a person who has never cheated. A person who has never cheated may have poor boundaries whereas a past cheater may have learnt from their poor choices and have as a consequence very strong boundaries.

So it depends on the person.

I think that a BS may also have to do allot of internal work to fix themself. Not just from the damage done by being betrayed.

In my case there were warning signs from the start of my relationship with WW. Really BIG warning signs. But at that time I didnt value myself enough to believe I was worthy of someone who would treat me with respect. My self esteem was so low that I just accepted WW as being the best I could do for a life partner. I just didnt think I was worthy of a spouse that would remain faithful.

Im still working on fixing that.

[This message edited by Razor at 11:49 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

Undefinabl3 posted 7/15/2014 11:52 AM

I have heard of people here who were dating a BS and they ended up getting cheated on by a former BS as well. For whatever reason, that carpet of "thank god i am safe because they would never do to me what was done to them" was pulled right out from under them.

The only way to make sure that you are never cheated on again (if you do divorce) is to never go back into a relationship again.

HurtingandLost posted 7/15/2014 12:15 PM

I agree with Razor, especially since each person is very much an individual. I also agree from a personal standpoint regarding a BS. I've lived the BS role twice with different wives, and my stbxw mentioned yesterday that we had a discussion when I was resisting her pressure on marriage that I had predicted how this was going to end 9 years ago. Again, something along the lines of not worthy, low self esteem, and a few other codependent behavior labels.

Darkness Falls posted 7/15/2014 13:05 PM

I dated a divorced BS for nearly 2 years after my XBH divorced me. While it didn't work out between us, our relationship wasn't all bad and I'm glad that my past actions didn't stop him from being willing to get to know me.

Newlease posted 7/15/2014 13:44 PM

I dated another BS after my D from XWH. He cheated on me - repeatedly. There are no guarantees - the only person you can count on 100% is the one you see looking back from the mirror. And if you can be true to that person, you will be ok no matter what life throws your way.


SadFlower posted 7/15/2014 14:12 PM

I have heard of people here who were dating a BS and they ended up getting cheated on by a former BS as well. For whatever reason, that carpet of "thank god i am safe because they would never do to me what was done to them" was pulled right out from under them.

Yup--this happened to me. FWH divorced his first wife because she cheated on him. We were casual friends at the time, and I remember the depth of his pain, how very devastated he was. In a recent conversation, I reminded him of that time. His reaction--and I swear I am not making this up--was, "I had forgotten all about that!" (It happened 22 years ago, but still...!)

If I were ever to D my FWH, I would be very leery of involvements with anyone. Maybe a widower who had had a good, loving marriage. I just don't know.

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