If I do end up D in the future and meet someone down the road, I absolutely would have nothing to do with any Wayward, regardless of the excuse. I would never knowingly develop a relationship with someone who had done this to another person- regardless of the excuse. I would ensure I spoke to their X at some point to 'get both sides'. Do most other BSs feel the same?
Does that mean for second marriages with new people not related to the A, do the faithful end up with the faithful and the Waywards end up with each other?
BW: 43 (me) WH: 41 (him)
DDay 1 = 1/13, DDay2 = 7/14 (False R), D 3/15
To answer your question whether a BS would end up with someone new who is faithful, and a cheater would end up with another cheater, there are far too many variables. I'm sure that many people who were married to a cheater end up married to another who also cheats. This is not because of some pattern; it is because a huge percentage of all people cheat at some point in the relationship. It is a sad fact of life.
I was cheated on by both H's. I also knew my current H had cheated on his first wife and I certainly did not get her side of the story before marrying him. There was a wife of 8 years in between his marriage to #1 and me and he did not cheat on her, so I chalked it up to immaturity (he was 25 when he cheated on #1) and from our conversations, I definitely believed he learned this was not the way to deal with things and he would not cheat on me. Surprise surprise, he cheated on me with the same whore he cheated with in marriage #1.
Even in spite of all that, I do think he has really learned this time (8 years ago now, actually) and will not likely cheat on me ever again. If I were to find someone new, I think I'd be going back to taking odds of about 50/50 that he'd cheat on me. I'm better off staying with my current H because I truly believe the odds of him cheating again are very low.
I'd be a lot more wary of someone who has never experienced it, thinks they have it all together and knows they would just never do that. I would trust them less then someone who has hit rock bottom already. Because I don't think people are as nearly healthy and self-aware as they think they are. That's where I'm jaded now.
SOmetimes you have no control over who you fall in love with, and I like to believe the best in people.
Sorry but I dont agree.
First because its too easy for a WS to use this as a excuse for their affair.
Second because we are adults and dont fall over for some hot blonde in a tight red dress. or *swoon* for some dreamboat guy. We are not animals. Our brains have evolved such that we can think and see the consequences of a relationship with a person we are not really compatible with.
If I were do D my WW would I consider a relationship with a past cheater? I dont know. A history of cheating would definitely be a red flag though. My decision would be based on the PERSON rather than past actions though. Do they blame their BS for their cheating? Do they take responsibility? Have they worked to fix their broken that allowed them to make the choice to cheat?
IMO a past cheater could actually be safer than a person who has never cheated. A person who has never cheated may have poor boundaries whereas a past cheater may have learnt from their poor choices and have as a consequence very strong boundaries.
So it depends on the person.
I think that a BS may also have to do allot of internal work to fix themself. Not just from the damage done by being betrayed.
In my case there were warning signs from the start of my relationship with WW. Really BIG warning signs. But at that time I didnt value myself enough to believe I was worthy of someone who would treat me with respect. My self esteem was so low that I just accepted WW as being the best I could do for a life partner. I just didnt think I was worthy of a spouse that would remain faithful.
Im still working on fixing that.
[This message edited by Razor at 11:49 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
The only way to make sure that you are never cheated on again (if you do divorce) is to never go back into a relationship again.
Divorced and remarried to XBH
I have heard of people here who were dating a BS and they ended up getting cheated on by a former BS as well. For whatever reason, that carpet of "thank god i am safe because they would never do to me what was done to them" was pulled right out from under them.
If I were ever to D my FWH, I would be very leery of involvements with anyone. Maybe a widower who had had a good, loving marriage. I just don't know.
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA