Oh hun, I am so sorry. You deserve so much better than this.
I see your dday is only 3 weeks ago and your registration in July. Have you done much reading in the Healing Library here? May I suggest that what you currently have is an unremorseful H and without true remorse and repentance there is no chance for R.
If you haven't, please read about the 180. Keep in mind it is a guide of sorts to help you detach from your WH and focus on your own mental and emotional health (physical too). While some say the 180 can have the added result of opening a WSs eyes to the seriousness of it all and what they would be losing that is not and should not be the motivator for implementing the 180.
Why do you need to detach? Because he is not safe for you. Allowing yourself to base day to day decisions on an unremorseful, selfish spouse will do nothing but bring you more pain and confusion. You need to separate yourself from him and be your own person, start working on you, healing you, so that, whatever the eventual outcome, you will be able to handle it. You will be o.k.
What you have experienced is an emotional trauma. What your husband engaged in was an emotion affair (E/A). You haven't said wether the affection was reciprocated by your 'friend' (in quotes because a true friend would not have tolerated the communications much less participated in any way and would have told you of his advances years ago).
What is generally suggested is similar to what you laid out to him. You need to give him your list of requirements. These are the things he MUST do or not do in order for YOU to offer HIM the GIFT of even considering to attempt to fix and rebuild your marriage. You gave him a few requirements but, IMO the list should be much more extensive.
An example list...
1. He must write a NC (no contact) email/text etc. to her stating that she is not to contact him again, that he chooses you and there will be no more relationship between them. There are no sweet goodbyes or I am sorry's. There are no closure conversations. It's over.
2. He must give up all passwords to all social media sites, email accounts, all electronic devices etc. And you have open access to them at any time you wish.
3. He is not to delete any pics, texts or messages. You have the right to download restoration software or use any means necessary to restore deleted communications in order for you to have the full picture to make decisions about your own life, decisions that were previously taken from you because of his lies and deceit. You also have the right to load keylogging software on his devices to track his behavior there.
4. He must block her from his social media accounts.
5. He must block her phone #.
6. He must agree to go to IC (individual counseling) to find out why he was capable of exploding a bomb on your marriage and how he will become safe from those same pitfalls in the future should you stay married. This will probably be much more difficult than it sounds and he may give shallow excuses.
7. He must attend MC with you to work through issues relating to the A.
8. He must not have any female friends on facebook or other social media or in real life that are not family. This is because he has clear boundary issues and cannot be trusted.
9. He must read 'Not Just Friends' and 'How to Help Your Spouse heal from an Affair'
10. He must talk with you about his A and answer any and all questions you have with 100% honesty. Even take a lie detector if you so choose.
11. He must be willing to console you, comfort you, hold you when you cry, discuss A issues anytime you need.
12. He must break away from any friends (even male friends) who are not 'friends of the marriage'. That means anyone who covered for him, knew he cheated and kept it secret, knew and supported him cheating etc.
13. He must not view porn, go to strip clubs etc. (This, like all requirements are obviously up to you and particularly how you view the use of porn and the like but many feel that any behavior that does not bring intimacy TO the marriage and looks to others for any type of sexual arousal or gratification is a deal breaker, particularly in light of infidelity and someone with poor boundaries.
This is a starting point. Some have their WS put GPS apps in their phone so their whereabouts can always be verified via an app the BS uses as trust is being built/earned. Many request pic messages or Skype messages to show they are where they say they are and with who they say they're with. You may have other reasonable additions. All of these are a result of the clear fact that he can not be trusted and has poor boundaries.
Now, a remorseful spouse who sees the weight of what he's done and the pain he's caused would be terrified of losing his wife. He would gratefully accept these requirements and any more you need to begin to feel safe and for him to start to earn back trust. I've seen it here firsthand. The remorseful waywards are completely understanding of why these guidelines need to be implemented. They do not feel defensive or angry. All they care about is helping their spouse, who's heart they have obliterated, and having a chance to stay in their marriage.
I don't think you need to wait until August. I think you need to lay it all out there and demand his decision. (In fact, if you demand texts/emails in advance it gives him the chance to delete more than he probably has) Your way or the highway. I think the August deadline was more for you because it's so scary thinking about him not choosing R, not fighting for you, not being remorseful.
Another poster mentioned his need for a chase. If that could be the case then it is even more important that there are strict requirements for R because he may feel the challenge, be sweet and act sad but it would only be temporary and not based on reality. You would find yourself right back here very soon with the same nasty attitude and the same justifications.
It is very important that if you lay down requirements that there are consequences for not meeting them.
The consequence would be that the gift you gave of allowing him to stay married to you and work hard on himself and the marriage would be retracted. That's it. All or nothing.
I know this is so overwhelming. I know that. Please think of yourself. No matter what happens, wether you separate or try to R, you need to know you can be ok. He must earn the gift of R and he is absolutely not doing that.
My last bit of advice is go see a lawyer. You don't have to file. Just meet with one. Find out your rights. Find out what you'd be dealing with. They will advise you on how to protect your property, money, split debt etc. It will give you a sense of empowerment too.
I am so sorry for what you're going through. .